I’m scared divorcing abusive husband was the wrong thing to do.

[Movingon83]

Does any of this get easier over time?

I’m freshly divorced (I had to leave an abusive relationship for my children and my own health) He accepts absolutely no blame and constantly at every opportunity let’s me know everything is all my fault. I know I had to leave.

But it doesn’t feel better. My children still have to spend time with a man capable of all those things he did when we were together. He has told me his sole ambition now is to make sure they don’t turn out like me but like him. He says I’m a pathetic women and mother. I’m not! This is worse then any of the things he has done to me over the years.

What have I done, I can’t protect them anymore. I’m getting myself in a state over this. Do I just accept defeat?

Contact women's aid and do the Freedom programme I done it 8 years ago it changed my outlook on life. Good luck

Yes, focus on what you can control even though it can be really hard at times. You can't control what he does whatever measures you put in place and it becomes exhausting to try and do so. When he does something that annoys or upsets you let the dust settle and get things in perspective before responding. Only respond or react to relevant issues.

I teach my DC that we have different rules and ways of doing things in my house. If bad behaviours come with them into my house, I point out that they aren't acceptable.

It doesn't ever go away (until they are old enough to do their own thing I suppose) but it does get better, with hurdles along the way. If he dedicates himself to getting revenge the chances are he will harm himself and his relationship with the children more than you or your relationship.

Court feels scary but it can get you past a lot of the day to day abusive behaviours and minimise contact between you and him.

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.

Get a diary.

His phone call,. Date, time, how long, what he said.
Save all emails.
Comments the children make. Date, time, what they said.

The courts are only interested in EVIDENCE. But go for coercive control and parental alienation.

I don't think you'll ever be able to let go, but you absolutely can only control what you can control.

Remember as well, he needs a real live woman to bully. He will start to lose interest if you don't give him what he wants. Look up grey rock technique.

And yes, document everything. If he doesn't rein it in, you could have a case for parental alienation.

But be kind to yourself OP. I know that doesn't feel easy either! But you are worth kindness.

Four years on from the controlling and coercive behaviour being criminalised, survivors are reporting their psychologically abusive partners to the police at record levels. This week, the ONS has revealed that more than 17,000 reports were made to the police last year – staggeringly, double the number reported the previous year.

At Women’s Aid, we campaigned for controlling and coercive behaviour to made illegal because we know, from what women tell us, that power and control is at the heart of virtually all abusive relationships. We fought hard to challenge the myth that domestic abuse is only about black eyes and broken bones. We saw the new offence as a landmark step forward for the women who have suffered in silence, through years of humiliation and degradation, often living in dire poverty and under house arrest - but who thought nobody would take them seriously unless they’d been hit.

Police reports of coercive and controlling behaviour have doubled to over 17,000 a year, but this is a drop in the ocean compared to the 746,000 overall domestic abuse crimes reported to the police in the last 12 months.

Yet our Domestic Abuse Report revealed that more than two-thirds of survivors had experienced jealous and controlling behaviour, while 94 per cent had experienced emotional abuse, such as destructive criticism, constant humiliation, gaslighting and degrading behaviour.

It is clear that the police still have a long way to go in supporting women to come forward and report coercive and controlling behaviour.

One positive is that we are seeing increased public awareness of the nature of coercive control. The Archer's storyline in 2016, which saw Helen Archer stab her controlling husband Rob after months of emotional abuse, prompted a rise in calls to helplines. Sally Challen’s landmark legal case earlier this year captured the media’s attention, while high profile storylines on Eastenders and Coronation Street have also helped to educate the public on the insidious nature of psychologically abusive relationships.

Despite this, Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary, Fire and Rescue Services (HMICFRS) have continued to find that the police’s understanding of coercive control remains inconsistent, and recommend that forces improve provision of training. Much more needs to be done to ensure that all forces offer specialist domestic abuse training.

At Women’s Aid, we are rolling out Domestic Abuse Matters, our police training course, with the College of Policing. It gives officers a solid understanding of the nature of coercive control and explains how to support survivors and collect the right evidence. We are urging every police force to provide specialist training for their frontline officers. More than 100 domestic abuse crimes are reported every hour, and coercive and controlling behaviour underpins virtually all of them.

Sally Challen was freed from prison in June 2019, after originally having been jailed for life for murdering her abusive husband
Sally Challen was freed from prison in June 2019, after originally having been jailed for life for murdering her abusive husband CREDIT: PA
Furthermore, many other professionals and front line workers have direct contact with survivors, including GPs, nurses, job centre staff and child support workers. These workers can play a crucial role in identifying controlling and coercive behaviour and signposting survivors to specialist domestic abuse services.

Of the coercive control offences that are recorded by police, very few then progress to charge, prosecution and conviction. The reasons for this are complex, but poor understanding of the nature and impact of the crime among the judiciary, over-reliance on the victim’s testimony, and poor evidence gathering are key factors.

Worryingly, the ONS has just reported an 11 per cent fall in CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) referrals for domestic abuse crimes. Four years on from the new law on controlling behaviour coming into force, poor understanding and identification remains a key barrier to its effective implementation throughout the criminal justice system - from reporting to investigation and sentencing.

The ONS also reported a drop in female survivors reporting domestic abuse crimes to the police. We know many women will never report their experiences of domestic abuse to the police, or indeed to any public official, but it’s essential that we remove every possible barrier to them doing so.

Worryingly, the ONS also found more than a third of victims thought the police couldn’t help them. We know that black and minority ethnic women, women with insecure immigration status, LGBT survivors and disabled women face particular barriers to reporting and pursuing criminal charges.

Some fear discrimination or retaliation by their perpetrator. Women with insecure immigration status may fear being deported. Disabled women may face practical barriers to reporting, such as a lack of wheelchair ramps or communication issues. While these barriers remain in place, we have a system of justice for some, not justice for all.

There remains much to be done before we can say that controlling and coercive behaviour is no longer tolerated in our society.

To make this law work, we need to see real commitments from the police and the judiciary to arrest, prosecute and convict the perpetrators of these vile crimes that devastate the lives of more than a million women every year.

Why do the police still think that domestic abuse means black eyes and broken bones?
ADINA CLAIRE
ACTING CO-CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF WOMEN’S AID

How can you tell whether you are a victim of coercive control? Here are the signs

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Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse CREDIT: ALAMY
Radhika Sanghani
28 FEBRUARY 2019 • 11:01AM
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Over the past three years, there has been a slow build in awareness around the signs of coercive control.

A prominent storyline in the Archers, as well as the the case of mother-of-two Sally Challen, have both brought the issue of this subtle, persistent form of emotional and psychological abuse to the forefront.

Today, Sally Challen - who killed her husband with a hammer in 2010 - has seen her murder conviction quashed.

The Court of Appeal heard this week that the appeal may even have been partly inspired by the Archers plotline. A psychiatric assessment of Challen while she was in custody, read out by her barrister Clare Wade QC, said: "I wonder if she has been listening to this programme on Radio 4 about the woman who has been brainwashed by her husband and ends up killing him."

The significance of The Archers story, said Wade, was "that it was about coercive control."

Indeed, the radio drama followed a new law on coercive control, introduced at the end of 2015, which can carry a jail term of up to five years- raised a number of questions for people in unhappy relationships to, who might have started to wonder whether their partner’s behaviour falls under emotional abuse.

That's why we asked national domestic violence charity Women’s Aid, to explain what constitutes coercive control - and where the line falls in any relationship.

Seann Walsh and Rebecca Humphries
Seann Walsh and Rebecca Humphries CREDIT: DAN WOOLLER/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

1. It’s more than just one argument

Emotional abuse happens over a sustained period of time, where the perpetrator repeatedly controls their victim.

“From our point of view, when we are talking about domestic violence it’s not the case that one argument crosses the line and it becomes an abusive relationship,” say Women's Aid. “It’s a pattern in the relationship, where one partner is controlling and there's an ongoing sense of fear.”

2. An abuser wants to scare their victim

“With domestic violence, (usually male) partners behave in a way that’s designed to intimidate, frighten or coerce their victim's behaviour,” Women's Aid point out.

When a victim is frightened of their partner and treads on eggshells out of fear of their reaction, that’s a problem.

[It’s abuse] if you feel frightened of your partner and you’re worrying about the consequences of what externally might be relatively minor things. If he gets angry at the slightest thing. If you have to do every thing his way. If you’re worried and feel like your behaviour will 'set him off'.”

When a victim is frightened of their partner and treads on eggshells out of fear of their reaction, that’s a problem.
When a victim is frightened of their partner and treads on eggshells out of fear of their reaction, that’s a problem. CREDIT: RAFAEL BEN-ARI / ALAMY
3) The small things count

Women's Aid give one example, where a man told his partner that she had to wrap cheese in a particular way before putting it in the fridge. If she did it wrong, he would scream and shout at her.

“We all have funny little things like that. But the point is she was frightened of his response,” they explain. “He didn’t hit her, but she knew he would see it as a symbol that she didn’t love him and she was trying to wind him up. It seems like a minor thing to you - but it has a big impact to them.”

4. A one-way street

In a healthy relationship, equality is present. If one person has particular needs, they accept that their partner will also have their own needs.

But an abuser will not think about their partner, and generally puts themselves first. “It doesn’t go the other way,” explain Women's Aid. “There’s no consideration that you’re upset.

“Perpetrators of domestic violence do it because they feel entitled to behave that way. They think their partner is there to meet to their needs and they’re entitled to take whatever they want.”

The storyline between controlling Rob Titchener and his wife Helen in the Archers made domestic violence a national talking point in 2015
The storyline between controlling Rob Titchener and his wife Helen in the Archers made domestic violence a national talking point in 2015 CREDIT: PETE DADDS
5) Nothing ever happened

‘Gaslighting’ is when someone exhibits abusive behaviour and then pretends it didn’t happen – or even switches blame on to the victim. It’s also common among psychological abusers.

“It can be very confusing,” say Women's Aid. “It can cause serious problems when a woman starts to doubt herself. That’s very difficult to get your head around as a survivor. It takes a woman a long time to recognise that the nice behaviour and abusive behaviour are both a conscious decision on the behalf of the perpetrator.”

6. Unhappiness doesn't matter

In a healthy relationship, if one person tells their partner just how unhappy they are with their behaviour, they may be upset, annoyed or both. But they will eventually get over it. An abuser will not react that way.

Say Women's Aid: “A perpetrator is unwilling ever to listen to why you’re unhappy and will often minimise what has happened. If they’re not willing to do any work towards your relationship that would be really concerning, as would being too scared to talk about it in the first place.

“All of us in relationships mess up sometimes and don’t behave appropriately. If you're frightened and worried and feel like you have to give up on the things that are important to you in order to make your partner OK, and to avoid his bad behaviour, that’s where the line is."

7. Controlling in many ways

Women's Aid explain that control is a significant factor in psychological abuse, and a perpetrator can exact it in a number of ways, such as not letting their partner go out or visit friends and family.

It can also be financial, with a perpetrator controlling their victim’s money, or it can be a case of the abuser not wanting to ever socialise. Control can also extend to the online realm - with tracking software used on smartphones or email and social media accounts hacked.

8. Personal attacks

There doesn’t have to be any physical violence for someone to be guilty of domestic abuse. It's not just about bruises. Often it can simply involve words, where a perpetrator might make comments designed to emotionally manipulate his victim.

“[It’s abuse] if he or she puts you down and tells you you’re stupid and unattractive, that no one else will love you. Even if it seems to be done in a kind way, it’s still emotional abuse," Women's Aid point out.

Abuse doesn't just come in the form of bruises
Abuse doesn't just come in the form of bruises
'I was terrified of my husband'

One woman shares her experience of being emotionally abused by her husband soon after they married and had a child together:

"I married an abusive man. We fell in love, bought a house together, got married and had a baby - all very quickly. It was very romantic to begin with - or at least, it seemed that way.

His friends warned me of his bad temper. However, I never witnessed it, and he was never aggressive towards me until we had been together a year. Then he became verbally abusive, shouting at me in my face.

After our daughter was born, he became almost entirely intolerant of me. He did not want me to breastfeed, he refused to let me join in activities with other friends, and any baby equipment was always dismissed as a waste of money. Anything I did buy was either chosen by him, or had to be very cheap.

He gradually reduced my self-esteem by making extra work for me, refusing to help and watching me struggle, criticising me and my care of our child. If I resisted his behaviour, he would become consumed with rage and he would throw things. Once, he threw a candle in a glass pot and it smashed all over the kitchen. As time went on, the attacks became more unpredictable. I would try and leave the house, sometimes late at night, taking the baby from her cot - at which point he would threaten to burn the house down.

He began monitoring my every move. I became very scared of him and the way he was presenting so perfectly to others. To others, he was charming and normal and a ‘hero’ for working so hard for us and being such a good father.

Things continued to get worse and I temporarily separated from him - although I later felt guilty and went back to him. He was threatening suicide and saying he could not live without me. I was always making excuses for him - that he worked very hard for us, and that the baby had put a strain on our relationship. I attempted to get another job but he would dissuade me, telling me the best place was for me to be at home. .

Increasingly my family were not allowed to come to our house and visit us and I made the excuse that he was stressed from his job. Eventually, after yet another aggressive episode in our local town centre where he stood up close to me, threatening me for wanting to go into a different shop to him, I decided to leave him."

If you have been affected by domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

I need help with my thoughts because I don’t know whether they are warranted or not. I want to protect my children with a clear mind.

I never provoke him, I never tell him what I think of him, I never tell him his faults, ever. I wouldn’t dare, even tho I have so much pent up inside. But he thinks it’s ok to send me disgusting, disrespectful and threatening msgs, about me and my family. Then he turns up to collect kids and just ignores me at the doorstep.

He tells me that I’m a pathetic mother. He is ashamed that he chose me to be the mother of his children..etc

Please stop, and read the posts so far.

Start collecting proof;
Keep his messages, and make copies.
Keep an incident diary.

Get help;
Take The Freedom Programme.
Talk to Womens Aid.
Find out if you are eligible for legal aid, and if you can, see a solicitor.

It sounds like the abuse is continuing. You may be able to obtain a non-molestation order from the court. If you ring the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can talk you through what’s involved and may be able to refer you to a law firm which will help you with your application. I’ve worked on about 15 applications through our pro bono scheme and have obtained a couple of orders in similar circumstances to yours, which stipulated that contact should relate purely to the children and be respectful. You are sounding worn out - do you have any family/friends in RL whom you can talk to about this?