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Original poster

He was infatuated, then she died

42 replies

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 00:44

Hi all,

Just looking for thoughts here. I'm currently seeing someone very casually but I'm at this point where there might be a few feelings.

DP had a best friend who he was completely infatuated with. They were sleeping together whilst she was seeing others. He was besotted, tells me life was so happy when he was with her, she was the woman he wanted most and that he loved her more than any man loved her. She didn't want him for a relationship but didn't like him seeing others. Then she got sick and died.

He still talks about her now, sometimes wistfully but as though she was his great love. But when he tells the stories, it seems to me that she was using him but he didn't care as he wanted her so much.

We have fun together, great friends, happy but it's nothing like he describes with her. I feel like I can't compete with this obsession even though he plays it down when I challenge it. I almost want him to realise I am here and alive whereas she is gone (and wasn't that perfect before).

We aren't in love, it's just fun but I don't want to be someone who just has sex whilst he dreams about his ex as I feel I'm more than that. I can also easily put a stop to the relationship if I want to at this point.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 26/11/2019 00:50

I don't want to be someone who just has sex whilst he dreams about his ex

Well don’t

If you want to have fun and not expecting it to go anywhere that is fine.

However whilst it can never become anything more than a bit of fun are you quite sure that you want to waste precious time on someone who can never truly live you.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/11/2019 00:53

Nobody can compete with the romantic memories carried by the deluded living.. of a dead person..

Find someone who cherishes and respects YOU..

lets be honest... his memories are of someone who thought he wasn't good enough except when she felt horny and nobody else was available... yes she sounds delightful... Hmm

WWlOOlWW · 26/11/2019 00:56

It a nar from me

VanyaHargreeves · 26/11/2019 00:58

I would stop the relationship, he is asking you to accept that you will always be second best. He needs counselling.

MashedSpud · 26/11/2019 00:58

No, sorry.

Don’t waste your time with someone who is forever going to be in love with the dead.

RantyAnty · 26/11/2019 04:02

Why would you want to keep dating him?

Just end it.

daisychain01 · 26/11/2019 04:12

We aren't in love, it's just fun

You've contradicted yourself. You're basically saying he's oblivious to your existence, you're competing with someone else - but only the memory of them - and yet you describe your relationship as "fun".

It isn't fun, it really isn't.

And saying you can stop it any time, well what's stopping you?

powershowerforanhour · 26/11/2019 04:16

Read "The Dead" by James Joyce and find a new companion. Surely the point of a FWB is to have an angst-free happy time? You'll never be as good as the ghost of Michael(a) Furey.

AgentJohnson · 26/11/2019 05:21

Oh dear God! This isn’t a relationship it’s a FWB arrangement If you want more than casual sex then don’t sign up for just casual sex. It sounds like your hoping that the FWB arrangement will morph into a relationship but they are two very different things and one doesn’t naturally lead into the other.

Decide what you want and communicate that but you can’t expect him to behave like he’s in a committed relationship while in a casual arrangement.

He behaves the way he does because he isn’t in a relationship.

Goldenchildsmum · 26/11/2019 06:02

It doesn't sound very 'fun' to me. Get rid

EmmiJay · 26/11/2019 06:07

He's still in love with a ghost. You shouldn't really stick around if you're not feeling the love (and you're right there!)

pictish · 26/11/2019 06:30

If you genuinely feel his affections remain with this woman then there’s not much use in pursuing it really, is there?
You shouldn’t feel like you have to compete with anyone, let alone the memory of someone who was never actually his partner!
Not good enough. Not by a long chalk.

CalleighDoodle · 26/11/2019 06:32

He has too many issues right now. End it.

ukgift2016 · 26/11/2019 06:32

Um nah, I would not even bother with this one.

Loopytiles · 26/11/2019 06:35

Yeah, agree with PPs. Sad for him that he’s still hung up on his deceased friend, but likely to mean he underappreciates others, and is not your problem.

echt · 26/11/2019 06:36

How can he be your DP when you by your own account are not in love?

Bin him off.

Fatted · 26/11/2019 06:37

Time to call it a day OP. You will never compete. It also doesn't sound like you're quite on board with what the relationship is. You sound like you would like it to be more serious than what it is, if only he could get over her. Which he won't by the sounds of it.

Clutterbugsmum · 26/11/2019 06:38

You can't compete with an ghost.

He built his relationship with her into 'true love', that she was this 'perfect' women when in fact she was nothing but a cheat and he was sloppy seconds.

He was never in relationship with her, but has constructed one in his head.

And now he having sex with you. If you are happy in relationship like this then fine, but if you looking for a close loving relationship, with a future then this is not the one.

tinyvulture · 26/11/2019 06:39

I’d give it a bit longer. How do you know his feelings for you won’t grow and develop? Most people don’t fall in love straight away - they start with friendship and attraction and love develops over time.
I just think you need to stop thinking about this woman. If he brings her up a lot, ask him not to. She is nothing to you. We all have baggage - anyone we meet as an adult is likely to have loved someone deeply before. That doesn’t mean we can’t love again. And there is no point comparing the love he felt for this other woman with his feelings for you - as you say, he was in unrequited infatuation, which is different from proper reciprocated love - more powerful in a way - but not sustainable, healthy or happy.

katewhinesalot · 26/11/2019 07:06

Tell him exactly how you feel. If he still goes on about it then id finish it. You can't compete with a ghost.

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/11/2019 07:07

He wasn't cheating on his first wife with her by any chance , was he ?

madcatladyforever · 26/11/2019 07:09

Lets face it if she hadn't died he would eventually havbe got sick of her and ended it.
She led him up the garden path and died during the first flush period so he forever thinks she was the one.
He needs to get over himself and grow up and see it for what it really was.

DeathStare · 26/11/2019 07:13

We aren't in love, it's just fun but I don't want to be someone who just has sex whilst he dreams about his ex as I feel I'm more than that

Sorry but that's all you are to him. So you now have two choices - either accept that and keep things as they are, or ditch him. You seem to want a third choice where his feelings towards you (and about her) change, but that's not a choice that you can make happen.

Bluntness100 · 26/11/2019 07:21

Putting her down to him. Trying to point out she was using him etc will never ever work,

If you feel he's in love with a ghost and you're playing second fiddle it's probably best to end it and move on, with no hard feelings, some things are never meant to be,

PurpleWithRed · 26/11/2019 07:29

Is this for real? I thought it was going to be a clever thread about plot lines (Wuthering heights). Sounds more like he’s fantasising. And even if it is real then he was besotted with someone who just treated him as one of the crowd?

Not husband material my dear.

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