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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was infatuated, then she died

42 replies

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 00:44

Hi all,

Just looking for thoughts here. I'm currently seeing someone very casually but I'm at this point where there might be a few feelings.

DP had a best friend who he was completely infatuated with. They were sleeping together whilst she was seeing others. He was besotted, tells me life was so happy when he was with her, she was the woman he wanted most and that he loved her more than any man loved her. She didn't want him for a relationship but didn't like him seeing others. Then she got sick and died.

He still talks about her now, sometimes wistfully but as though she was his great love. But when he tells the stories, it seems to me that she was using him but he didn't care as he wanted her so much.

We have fun together, great friends, happy but it's nothing like he describes with her. I feel like I can't compete with this obsession even though he plays it down when I challenge it. I almost want him to realise I am here and alive whereas she is gone (and wasn't that perfect before).

We aren't in love, it's just fun but I don't want to be someone who just has sex whilst he dreams about his ex as I feel I'm more than that. I can also easily put a stop to the relationship if I want to at this point.

OP posts:

SoxiFodoujUmed · 26/11/2019 07:34

I'm so sorry but this isn't going anywhere. it is going to end in tears sooner or later. the longer you wait to end it, the worse those tears will be. no point delaying.

chachachachachacha · 26/11/2019 08:24

How is he your dp if you're not in love and it's just fun? You're fwb.

Original poster

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 08:37

Sorry all, I wrote this late at night, the use of DP was just rushed. It is more of a FWB thing but like many say, I'm catching a few tiny feelings.

No, he doesn't keep talking about her all the time, and says it's just something in his past where he was so happy. BUT I agree with @Clutterbugsmum and others, he constructed a relationship in his head which will never change. I thought I was fine with it as I knew anyway it was casual but I'm not anymore so I'll tell him so.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 08:43

@PurpleWithRed yes I agree, I don't think she treated him well at all but he was so infatuated that he didn't care. He told me she was the one for him so he didn't care how she treated him. I explained that if she did care, she wouldn't have strung him along for ages which he agreed, but then went back to his romantic dreams again. saying why would she keep coming back if she didn't feel what he felt.

And no, wasn't cheating but I think this was not like a real relationship with real life problems, kids, money issues. It never became real life if you know what I mean, always tumultuous and idyllic

OP posts:

LittlePaintBox · 26/11/2019 10:31

Another 'no' from me.

If it was romantic novel, your (and his?) 'tiny feelings' would grow into true love, he'd realise you were the love of his life and you'd live happily ever after.

In reality, he's replaced one FWB arrangement with another. I don't want to be harsh, but being hopelessly in love with someone who died is a very effective way of making himself emotionally unavailable while getting a sexual relationship.

You ARE worth more than this.

Original poster

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 10:48

@LittlePaintBox you've made a great point there, replacing one FWB for another. He has a lot of issues. I haven't pushed it as I wasn't sure what I wanted myself. But this isn't what I want at all.

OP posts:

powershowerforanhour · 26/11/2019 11:37

he's replaced one FWB arrangement with another. I don't want to be harsh, but being hopelessly in love with someone who died is a very effective way of making himself emotionally unavailable while getting a sexual relationship.

Interesting point. He was hopelessly in love with someone who was safely emotionally unavailable to him, so he could fantasize away about how perfect she was and shag her occasionally with no danger that she was going to fuck it up by falling in love with him and want to live with him and watch what she wanted to watch on telly and cook broccoli for dinner and have him wipe sick off their kids and visit her parents and all the other stuff that he didn't fancy about actually getting the relationship he told himself he wanted.

Now she is dead she will always be perfect, and being in love with her is a useful mountain refuge for him to flee too if your relationship is getting too real.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/11/2019 11:39

Move on

powershowerforanhour · 26/11/2019 11:41

I think this was not like a real relationship with real life problems, kids, money issues. It never became real life if you know what I mean, always tumultuous and idyllic

Sorry I failed to notice that you'd made this point yourself. I think he consciously or unconsciously deliberately chose somebody unavailable to love.

Original poster

Aleesha1 · 26/11/2019 11:56

The interesting thing was his ex wife was with him for years, they get on well, she stood by him through so much but he never talks about her the way he talks about the dead FWB.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 26/11/2019 11:58

Well that’s not a good sign about him either.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/11/2019 12:02

You will never be able to compete with an idolised ghost. Cut him loose before you end up hurt.

ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2019 12:03

Well there's your answer. YOU could be with him for years, stand by him through so much..... But he'll never talk about you like the dead woman either!

Heartburn888 · 27/11/2019 23:47

Sounds like he isn’t over her. It’s nice to keep someone’s memory alive but if he’s harping on about this wonderful relationship and how he’s never known a love like it then don’t even stress yourself out trying to compete.

SandyY2K · 28/11/2019 00:03

This would just irritate me. I couldn't stand it.

Time to drop him.

Ruderidinghood · 28/11/2019 00:03

The FWB was probably a fantasy he built up in his head. He never really had her so he made stuff up and grandiosed her in his mind. Whatever. He is unhinged. Forget him. Who wants to her about people's past conquests and how great they were the n have sex with them? It's weird. Find someone who isn'tso weird.

Craftycorvid · 28/11/2019 00:15

So easy to idealise someone who is no longer here! Your chap has clear issues with relationships and it sounds like the FWB is just too intense to be much fun. I was in a relationship with someone who regularly agonised over a past relationship (she was still alive but no longer in his life). It was wearing and demoralising as I felt invisible and irrelevant. Cut your chap loose with the phone number of a good therapist and find someone emotionally available - even if you only want a casual relationship, you do want the guy to be with you when he’s with you, not cherishing a fantasy.

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