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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much slack to give a friend?

31 replies

SonataDentata · 25/11/2019 20:47

I haven’t seen one of my closest friends (of over 3 years’ standing) for two months. We discussed meeting up twice in October and she said she’d get back to me to confirm but never did. Recently, she’s been ignoring my messages completely. About a fortnight ago, I asked her if I’d said or done anything wrong. She said no, and apologised, but hasn’t replied since.

What would you do? Am I being too lenient?

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 25/11/2019 23:15

Stop trying.

My five year old keeps asking if people are his friend at school. They often say no. I’ve told him to stop asking and just let it happen.

I think enough is enough after your failed attempts.

whatsoccuringnow · 25/11/2019 23:36

In my friendship group, 8 weeks is pretty normal to go without meeting up- but we are all working, with young kids, not much free time, so we are all quite accepting. It's hard to say, without knowing the context of your friendship

Original poster
SonataDentata · 25/11/2019 23:42

Neither of us has kids. We’re both busy at work, but I don’t really see that as an excuse for week after week of no contact and no reply. I’m a pretty forgiving person in a friendship context but I feel like I’m being taken for a mug at this point.

OP posts:
Mickeylove84 · 26/11/2019 01:19

She may have something personal going on with her life, perhaps depression or something she feels she cannot share as yet. I withdrew from my closest friends when I was in the depth of it but they were patient and I apologised when we came out the other side

mrbob · 26/11/2019 01:23

I had a similar experience and was a bit sad assuming my friend was over me. She told me a few weeks late she had had IVF followed by a D&C at 8 weeks after a miscarriage. It wasn’t about me. (Felt pretty shitty for even thinking she was annoyed with me or being a useless friend!) There might be something going on.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 26/11/2019 11:54

Maybe she has something going on in her family or is depressed? I know when I'm down or not feeling well I don't want to burden even my best friend sometimes. Try not to take it personally and maybe in time she will tell you what's up.

billy1966 · 26/11/2019 13:25

Sometimes you may not know what is going on with someone.

Or they may not be pushed.

It's unfortunate but it's best to not contact her.

Leave it and if she comes back well and good. If not. Well at least you know.

No point in chasing someone.

ChaiNashta · 26/11/2019 13:33

IME sounds like something personal is going on with her that she doesn't want to share.

Original poster
SonataDentata · 26/11/2019 19:06

I know she’s going through a difficult time as a mutual friend mentioned it. I’ve tried to offer support if she wants it but I get ignored or rebuffed with a short, glib reply. I’m normally quite patient with friends but I’m really at the end of my tether with this one. I won’t contact her again.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 27/11/2019 00:28

too lenient?
What would you do if people said you were?
How are you being taken for a mug?
She let you down twice last month over meet ups and you know she's going through a difficult time so it's probably all related.

If she's going through a tough time then just give her some space and don't take offence. If she really is a good friend and it's related to what's going on for her at the moment then she will contact you in her own time and explain what's been going on with her.

BadProduce · 27/11/2019 05:44

I hear you. I've stopped trying myself.
In my case it's me going through a tough time. With mental health and life threatening diagnosis to two very close family members among other things.
I get ignored by my "friends" when I reach out. They go weeks without responding. If they do contact me it's to tell me all about them and what's happened that week. So I've withdrawn completely. I doubt they'd notice if I just disappeared which I've thought of many times. I don't want to be drowned in attention but a response when I reach out, that takes NO time at all, would be nice.

Besidesthepoint · 27/11/2019 05:52

I know she’s going through a difficult time as a mutual friend mentioned it. I’ve tried to offer support if she wants it but I get ignored or rebuffed with a short, glib reply. I’m normally quite patient with friends but I’m really at the end of my tether with this one. I won’t contact her again.

Please don't. You don't sound like a good friend. A good friend would support her decision to not want support. I'm like that as well, the support I need from my friends in difficult times is to just "act normal" because that is exactly the kind of support that I need, npt talking about it. And when you are going through a difficult time you have less time to meet up. Your whole post is about you, you, you, not one ounce of understanding or love for your friend.

Goldenchildsmum · 27/11/2019 05:55

For me this is my rule - 3 messages sent and no replies received - friend binned.

I cannot be doing with pussyfooting around making excuses.

However if friend sent a reply to each of my messages but it was short, sharp, unhelpful - I'd probably go to 6.

Then binned.

PleaseDontLaugh · 27/11/2019 06:01

If she is going through a tough time have you considered that she just might not have the energy to respond or meet up?

Trauma and depression have that effect on people. They withdraw.

It's highly unlikely to be about you, and you should take that into account.

A true friendship can easily pick up where it left off.

category12 · 27/11/2019 06:08

Wow.

I've got friends I don't speak to for months, let alone see, and then we just pick up where we left off.

You're aware she's going through a tough time. She's not done anything bad. Give her a break. Don't chase, sure, but I have literally no idea why you'd cut her out over this.

Goldenchildsmum · 27/11/2019 06:55

Recently, she’s been ignoring my messages completely. About a fortnight ago, I asked her if I’d said or done anything wrong. She said no, and apologised, but hasn’t replied since.

I don't think it's ever necessary to ignore anyone. Unless you want to , and then that speaks volumes about the friendship.

I've got friends I don't speak to for months, years. But if they message me/i message them - we reply.

Even after Mum died I replied to peoples messages. It takes seconds.

BadProduce · 27/11/2019 07:22

replied to peoples messages. It takes seconds.

This is my thoughts. Not speaking to someone for months is totally different to ignoring them when they try to message you.

Original poster
SonataDentata · 27/11/2019 08:27

I am a good friend actually, but I’m also not a mug. It can be really difficult to draw the line between offering support and also retaining healthy boundaries. I get that she’s going through a difficult time but it takes seconds to send a text. To those who’ve attacked me - I’m also going through a difficult time and it’s REALLY great to hear what a horrible person I am Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SonataDentata · 27/11/2019 08:28

I actually wish I hadn’t started this thread as I care for my friend very deeply, and am dreadfully worried about her, but feel helpless.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 27/11/2019 09:15

Of course you're not a horrible person OP. Friendship is about give and take. It's about acceptance and love. It's about kindness and compassion. It's about giving and allowing. Both ways.

But it's also about recognising when the friendship has changed and when it's no longer all of the above.

If your friend is struggling and through her struggles her treatment of you is poor, over time, then you no longer have a friendship. Imo.

HenryT · 27/11/2019 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheVanguardSix · 27/11/2019 09:33

I go through bouts of depression, OP and I seriously go under the radar when I am struggling. The reason I go underground is that I cannot handle ANY obligations, i.e. meeting up to make conversation about something I don't want to talk about. Am I right? No. Am I wrong? No. It is what it is and it really sucks.
Just be there. All that being said, I do tell my friends "I'm not in a great place. I love you and when I come up for air, the first thing I'll do is meet up for a hug and a coffee."
It IS important that my friends understand that my actions and retreat from the world aren't meant to devalue them. But I have learned to do that. In dealing with/understanding my depression, I've also learned how to deal with/understand those around me. It's a process.
I wonder if you could send a text saying something like, "I know you're going through a tough time. I understand completely how hard it is to just deal with the day to day when you're in the thick of everything. I'm here. Coffee anytime, when you're ready."
Chances are she won't reply now, but when she comes up for air, if she's a true friend, she will. The ball's in her court really.

Besidesthepoint · 27/11/2019 09:50

Your updates are about yourself again. Are you quite young? Because when someone struggles with ptsd or severe depression or being suicidal a few seconds text really can be too much to handle. When I was having EMDR for severe PTSD even exchanging three sentences with my husband in the evening cost me more energy than I had to give. I'm not exagerrating, it can be that bad. And don't forget you're not the only person in her life wanting attention. So what do you want from her? Was ahe a good friend before her difficult time? Do you want to stay friends? What are you texting? Are you asking her questions like how are you? You could also text: "Honey, I'm thinking of you, you are more quiet these days so I'll give you your space but when you feel up for it again please know that I'm here for you and you are in my thoughts."

GoldFrankincenseMyrrh · 27/11/2019 10:01

If she's a friend you give her as much as she wants or needs.

My DP will often complain about parasitic friends expecting her to jump through hoops on their command, to reply when they want etc. It drives her up the wall to the point where she keeps very few friends these days as they want to dictate her life so often.

A true friend will allow you to be yourself and will not put you under pressure to fit into their schedule. They won't turn their back because you haven't contacted them for a few months.

So I guess you either be a friend or you keep putting demands on her. You are not forced to make an effort but it is nice to occasionally let people know that you are still there if they need. Doesn't mean they are taking you for a mug but does mean that people work to their own schedules and at some points in our lives maintaining friendships can be hard. But we know true friends will be there regardless.

billy1966 · 27/11/2019 11:12

OP, sorry that you are going through a hard time.
Your second post you said that you know that she is having a hard time.

People react differently to hard times. Some just withdraw.

I think you should give her space and focus on yourself whilst accepting that she just needs her time.

Perhaps send her a text wishing her well and asking her to contact you if and when she is ready.

And leave it.

Hope things improve for you soon too.