Update on my DS

[tumblelord]

I've posted about this before but I don't know how to link to the threads.

An update: After finding out DS abused his ex and children, we decided to send her a letter and a cheque. We wanted to compensate some of the money she has lost due to our son's behaviour. She has posted the cheque back to us but not the letter. I can only assume that she wants nothing to do with us after everything.

Our son is moving in with a girl he has been seeing. He is continuing with court proceedings and now admits that it's mostly about "winning" and not the children. His son is still refusing to spend time with him so we are likely to never have a relationship with our grandchildren.

No advice needed. It was hard reading people's comments and I now realise how blind I've been and what that has cost me.

Just keep trying. You have been very brave, OP.

Maybe tell her how blind you have been, the way you told us, and say sorry again?

Send her links to your threads, so she can read the support and the justice?

"Now admits that it's mostly about "winning" and not the children." - send that to her as a SWORN AFFADAVIT that she can present to the court?

Your son needs some consequences. I would also leave any assets to your grandchildren (and let them know).

Just keep trying. Keep in mind how hard she has battled - and unwittingly, against you. Keep sending letters and a cheque, and you cannot say sorry enough. It might take years, but she will soften.

I remember your thread. You can't blame her for choosing to return the cheque & not contact you.

I think you should offer to testify on her side that he is pursuing custody to continue his abuse and control

A way forward would be to advise his current partner of his abuse and try to get him to drop the court case which is being used to harass her. She must be exhausted from it all and that money should be going to his children. Persuading him to pay child support would also be helpful. I think that's the best way of helping your grandchildren and their mother.

She's probably very (and rightly) worried that you have ulterior motives given there's a live court process underway. I wouldn't have gone near my in-laws with a barge pole when I divorced my husband, without the issues of abuse. That's because people prioritise their children usually and go about supporting them in all manner of ways.

I think you need to bide your time until that's all over and make contact then. She probably feels accepting any money under any circumstances will reflect badly on her in court.

I remember your Thread too OP... well done for acknowledging what your DIL has endured .. beyond that there's not alot more you can do, until she opens the door for you.

I agree that you need to keep trying. She might not be able to forgive straight away and her first reaction might be anger but she might change her mind.

I would offer to help her with the divorce and send some gift vouchers for her to buy something for the children from Santa. Leave it for two weeks before you do this though and also offer Any support that she needs.

I was going to send a Christmas card anyway but putting gift vouchers in is a good idea.

I wonder how court will go this time. I always believed his tears when he came back and his determination that she was denying contact. But DGS still refuses to go with my son even though handover is handled by a third party now. As awful as it may seem to my son, I hope he doesn't get any contact.

Our son is moving in with a girl he has been seeing

Dear god ... does she have the faintest idea about his violence and abuse?

As awful as it may seem to my son, I hope he doesn't get any contact.

Not awful at all. You’re seeing the light and I agree with you, they’re all better off without him. I’m concerned for his girlfriend.

Hi OP

I just wanted to say it takes quite strength of character to admit you were spectacularly wrong.

I dont know if you have anything you could add to the court process but you could always write again saying you will be a witness / sign a statement to say he has admitted he isn't interested in seeing the children.

I'd write again in a few months, dont put any pressure on her to meet or anything just reiterate how sorry you are and how you have cut ties with your son and how you will always be here if they change their mind about a relationship, on their terms

Omg you put a cheque in the letter?!?! What were you thinking??? Money isnt going to fix anything, suggesting it will is really insulting.

No gift card. Literally card Merry Christmas. Nothing else. Put aside the money in premium bonds or something.

So many people told you last time not to send a cheque.
What she needed was your support when she told you what your son was like, but you were blind to it and chose him over her/your grandson. You cannot now try and pay her off for that.

I'd have sent the cheque back too. She's done well not to send a snotty letter back. She has done this without you and your son, don't insult her by thinking (and implying!) she needs you and your money now.

I wouldn't even send a card for christmas, she's made her stance clear. As long as you gave her your contact details in your first letter the ball is in her court. You need to realise the damage may be irreparable and she doesn't want a relationship with you. They are the consequences of taking your son's side.

Write to her again... and this time go back through your last thread and take on board the advice you were given. In short: apologise profusely, don't try to make anything right! Let her know you will be there if she ever manages to trust you.

I was going to send a Christmas card anyway but putting gift vouchers in is a good idea. No, it isn't good advice. Don't try to buy her... just don't!

I didn't think it would come across as buying her. We realise that we have played a part in them all losing out financially and wanted to acknowledge that.

You’ve had SO much good and comprehensive advice across a number of threads OP. You’ve accepted some of it but it might be helpful to have another look at them.

I didn't think it would come across as buying her. But the cheque did, she sent it back. Don't repeat that error. Go back to your last thread. Have another read with that in mind.

Why would you send vouchers when she’s returned a cheque already? All that is doing is showing her how little you value and respect her wishes and will probably add to her feeling that she wants nothing to do with you. I can’t imagine she trusts you as far as she could throw you so why on earth would she start accepting gifts with no idea what you might turn around and do/want in return? Stop harassing her. You want a relationship but you don’t have the right to one. All you should do now is offer to testify or whatever you can against your son in the court case. That’s about all you could do that I imagine would help her.

The letter needed to come before and separately to the cheque OP otherwise, It was always going to look like you were trying to atone with cash.

Keep trying. Leave the money for now. Go back to that once court is done. Offer to testify in writing again. Keep affirming and acknowledging. It is about supporting her but not harrassing her.

Can you warn new partner?

As others have said, send her a further letter telling her what your son has said and you are prepared to stand up and repeat this in court

And you have to warn his current girlfriend, he’s done it once he will do it again

You might have more luck with her if you disowned him. Think about it from her perspective - how would she ever relax around you or trust you knowing that anything she said or did could be relayed back to him and used against her in court?

Tell the new gf. Or are you hoping she gets pregnant so you get a grandchild..?

I think you need to send her a letter, recorded, stating very plainly that you do not believe your son should have access to the children and why not, and that he has admitted he's only doing it to win.

I would also put on the front of it that that's exactly what it is. A statement of access for the court that XXXX XXXXX should not have access to his children.

Otherwise she might just chuck it in the bin unopened.

You're making a firm choice for her now, not for him, but I think this is something that morally you should do.

Or well, on the front of the envelope "Statement for court in favour of Mother of Children"

I really think she might bin it otherwise.

I'd bin it even with that on. Probably especially with that on.

I'd not bin Christmas cards. Especially if they were left unsealed in a separate envelope so i could check the content. Id give them to the kids if they had nothing but merry Christmas on.