Update on my DS

[tumblelord]

I've posted about this before but I don't know how to link to the threads.

An update: After finding out DS abused his ex and children, we decided to send her a letter and a cheque. We wanted to compensate some of the money she has lost due to our son's behaviour. She has posted the cheque back to us but not the letter. I can only assume that she wants nothing to do with us after everything.

Our son is moving in with a girl he has been seeing. He is continuing with court proceedings and now admits that it's mostly about "winning" and not the children. His son is still refusing to spend time with him so we are likely to never have a relationship with our grandchildren.

No advice needed. It was hard reading people's comments and I now realise how blind I've been and what that has cost me.

I think you did the right thing OP and it's terrible that some posters are still giving you a bashing when you are trying to make things right 💐
Hopefully in time you can regain her trust in you.
Be very tactful but don't give up.
Good luck.

I think you've been brave op and it must have been heartbreaking to face the truth about your son's behaviour.
Can you put the money in trust for your DGCs when they're older?
Do you have someone to talk to about all this?

Having been there myself, and having had my life and my children’s lives destroyed because of how my mental health was affected, if my ex’s parents now saw the light and sent me a cheque and an apology my first thoughts would be: what is the end game here, this time.

I’m not at all surprised she sent it back. Your money is tainted.

Sorry, but that’s the harsh reality.

Leave her alone.

I would probably send a Christmas card and the vouchers for a toy shop near her.
I also think a marked supporting letter for her solicitor would be good. You could post in the legal section to ask for content advice that would be useful for her.

Why don’t you send another letter saying “I just wanted to let you know how incredibly sorry I am at everything you and the children have been through. We would like to support you in any way you feel you need. We’d like to offer to pay your legal fees. We’d also like to support your court case against our son having contact with the children as we also feel it’s not in their best interest. Here is my email address. Please please let us know if you’d like us to make a statement to your solicitor in your favour and also if you would like us to pay your fees. We’re not sure how else to support you but want to try. What can we do for you? We are here for you and the kids”

tumblelord I went through similar. When I realised the truth, I got my DIL and GC out myself and paid for them to fly back to her own family location for safety.
We kept in touch daily. I also spoke to my son which was awful. Having to say "I know what you've done and what you are". I told him how much I loved him but he needed professional help.
Long story short. She's taken him back. He's moved over there. She turned on me and told him lies about me.
I did nothing but help her :(
Now my son is barely in contact with me. DIL is NC.
I tried do hard to do right by a woman in trouble at the cost of my heartbreak at facing the truth.
Just tread very carefully. I sympathise so much with your situation.

OP I remember your thread. You did good for trying and for getting the son out of your house.

I have to agree with fit4more here in offering to testify against your son since you know he is just continuing the case to further abuse your DIL and GC.

You have my admiration for admitting your were wrong and stepping up to right the wrongs.

Agreed with ranty you've deep respect for having faced the truth. So many people don't. It must hurt like holy hell and have broken your heart.

mumma your experience is even worse. I'm so sorry.

I agree with PPs who've said you need to warn the new girlfriend, disown your son and offer to stand against him in court.

He isn't what's best for those children.

So it looks as if the new GF hasn't been told about the dreadful abuse ... quelle surprise

I gave you a hard time on your other threads. I respect you for coming back again for more updates. I do think the new GF is in a risky position however, believe your heart is in the right place.

Many of us have been abused & we don’t warn all the new hookups of our ex’s down the track. You can’t save everyone. You need to keep yourself safe from their rage too & if you incite these people They won’t disappear & keep being a toxic presence in your life. If they call us asking questions we can tell them what we know about the abuser’s real personality & give them the facts.

It’s a tough call to make. Maybe she has also never met this woman & doesn’t know how to contact her?

I think you have made a huge step in admitting to the flaws in your son & starting to open your eyes to see his behaviour for what it is. This is a big step in the right direction.

Gift cards would be a good idea because a cheque is traceable to your bank account and presumably that would have legal implications.

I don't know his new girlfriend. I didn't know he'd been seeing anyone until we told him he needed to leave. He's not had a proper relationship since separating from his ex so this is something I've found very unusual.

You gave him a deadline to move out. I think everyone told you he would find some new poor soul to manipulate.... it really isnt unusual, its textbook abuser.

It probably no use warning her. I wouldn't be painting him as the world best catch either

I think they've only been together a few months. I've not really spoken to my son a great deal over the last few weeks. I can barely look at him

Bet you pound to a penny he's told his new GF the same guff he gave you about his ex being a psycho and banning him from seeing the children.

@titchy I definitely do not want that!