Is this stonewalling?

[threesecrets]

For context DH never buys presents for me or anyone, not even family. He doesn't send cards or remember birthdays. I've been upset that unless I suggest something I don't actually get a birthday present. I want to know if this is acceptable or stonewalling and whether people think that even though he doesn't like something, he should make an effort.

This happened last night:
Me- I've got some ideas for DD stocking. Have you any thoughts on little presents?
DH- eyes closed hands over face.
Me- (I wait silently for over a minute)
Me- are you still thinking?
DH- I don't know.
ME- it would be nice if you thought of something for her.
DH- silence again for over a minute.
ME -Can you really not think of anything! (Shocked tone)
DH- (angrily) You know I hate presents and her stressed out.
ME- I understand that, but if you care you try to make an effort and overcome that (teary at having been ignored so long).
Dh- he walks out.

I don't know if it's stonewalling or not. It's certainly not nice being ignored. I don't bother asking anymore. Last year DH got annoy because I asked him if he wanted to buy anything for DC and he was too busy to even think about it 🙄.

Wouldn't class as stonewalling - I think of that as silent treatment being used as 'punishment' over a few days/week.

It definitely isn't very kind though x

No. More likely he just doesn't have a clue what she would want and thinks its unnecessary work to think about. Probably sees it as your job to sort her presents (and everyone elses).

Does seem like you're making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill tbh. Just tell him to think on it and get back to you.

Thanks. This is his response to everything to the extent that I cannot have a conversation with him.

Why are you flogging this dead horse OP?
What do you get out of this relationship?
What does he being to the table?
What is good about him?
What do you love about him?
Why are you still with him?

This isn't necessary stonewalling.
As a PP said, stonewalling is more punishing of daring to say something out of line, or if you disagree on something, and they usually just ignore you for hours or days until you apologise for daring to step of line.

This is him being an emotionally unavailable, dickhead who believes that all the 'wifework' is down to you and as a man he has no responsibilities for his life or that of his family.
He gets on with what he wants to and you do all the rest!
And that is no way to live.
That builds resentment!
He's a lazy fuckwit basically!
Does he work in a stressful job doing really long hours?

Been there Op.

Is your relationship overall good? If so, what I did/do is carve out the jobs I like (buying presents is one of them) then give him the jobs I don't as much - like wrapping and posting.

It's working to people's strengths... as long as the core relationship is ok

@threesecrets I think we are twins! Only mine at a push sends me the odd amazon link to random and weird presents. The rest is up to me too. It sounds like a small thing to others but when it is everything and all the time it adds up.

What's he like recieving gifts though? It seems to me he's one person who you dont have to think about at all.

Not acceptable sorry.

What's his explanation for this bizarre behaviour?

I absolutely hope you never buy for the twat..
Maybe save all the cash you could have spent for a solicitor?

That's very child-like behaviour - the closed eyes and hands over his face. Is he immature in other ways?

And you are with him because...

Please do not continue to teach your child this particular model of a relationship.

What is he like outside the home in polite company?. Similar to how he is with you or very different?.

I wouldn't call it stonewalling. I'd call it 'lazy-twat-of-a-husband'.

Sounds like he can't be arsed to even give it thought because he sees it as your job. Has he never bought you gifts throughout your relationship, or has he stopped more recently? Does he expect presents/cards for Christmas/birthdays? I certainly wouldn't be buying anything for him so he gets a taste of his own medicine. If this is just a taste of what he's like in general in the relationship then I'd be giving thought to whether it's a relationship worth persevering with.

I'm not materialistic but a boyfriend who didn't buy me a birthday or christmas present would not become my husband.

If he's always been like this then why did you think he would change?

It's not that he doesn't buy h th e presents, it's more that he doesn't want to engage and chat about things to do with me and his DD. I enjoy buying the gifts and actually like having control!

I am so so desperate to converse with him and though that it would be a lighthearted chat! Clearly not. I wasn't asking anything heavy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat outside the home- he doesn't have any friends. He knows people but not friends. Eg he will chat to them at a particular hobby but not meet up or make contact. He has lost contact with all friends from university/school. He doesn't send birthday cards to anyone.
Everything I say to him is met with a defensive response or when do I get time for that? It's horrible being in the same house as him.

If it's horrible being in the same house as him then you know what to do

Not that easy though. I've read many posts advising women not to leave the marital home as it can affect divorce proceedings. I've asked if he wants to divorce, said I would etc but he is so non responsive we can't even divorce!

He doesn't get the present thing , you know that , its not a big deal , but you persist in ' nagging ' him

Find something else to chat about
I don't buy my Oh a Christmas present he doesn't buy me one , one a scale of 1 to 10 of reasons to divorce its about minus 100

pelirocco - but if we all felt like that no one would get presents/cards at Christmas/birthdays would they? If I didn’t just sort it all out myself (and we have large families) no one would get anything at all.

A few years ago my dh’s mum mentioned that we should send his cousin a congrats card as they’d had a baby. I said “yes, tell dh to sort it out - it’s HIS cousin” and she replied “yes, but it’s the wifes job to send cards/presents isn’t it?” - I realised then how much his dm has to answer for his laziness in any area of domesticity. Him and his brother had absolutely everything done for them. Thanks MIL.

Op, really, if you can't talk to him about anything, then what's the point?

Has he always been like this it has he got worse? Surely he can't always have been like this - why would you stay with him?

What does he like you to for his birthday? Presents or not?

Does he have any SEN? Because his response to you asking about presents - hands over eyes, shut eyes - is not normal for an adult man.

Maybe there's a reason he isn't interested in present buying. Probably not but what was his childhood like?

@Washedoutlady narcissistic mother. Parents didn't and still don't do presents. I get that. My parents were pretty crap with a lot of things, except I do the opposite and makes sure things are better for my DD. So my parents didn't really sit and read me bedtime stories for example, but I make sure I do with my DD.

@friedbeansandcheese he doesn't care what I do for his birthday, sometimes I've arranged exciting expensive experienxe presents for him and other years I've barely bothered as his response is so minimal! He is very very emotionally withdrawn. He's always not enjoyed presents but used to try... a little. I feel like he disguise his real personality. He is so damn negative.