Is this stonewalling?

[threesecrets]

For context DH never buys presents for me or anyone, not even family. He doesn't send cards or remember birthdays. I've been upset that unless I suggest something I don't actually get a birthday present. I want to know if this is acceptable or stonewalling and whether people think that even though he doesn't like something, he should make an effort.

This happened last night:
Me- I've got some ideas for DD stocking. Have you any thoughts on little presents?
DH- eyes closed hands over face.
Me- (I wait silently for over a minute)
Me- are you still thinking?
DH- I don't know.
ME- it would be nice if you thought of something for her.
DH- silence again for over a minute.
ME -Can you really not think of anything! (Shocked tone)
DH- (angrily) You know I hate presents and her stressed out.
ME- I understand that, but if you care you try to make an effort and overcome that (teary at having been ignored so long).
Dh- he walks out.

My ex DH seemed to want to stick to how he was treated whereas I like you wanted to do everything right for my Dds.
In the end it was exhausting.

Oh Op. sounds awful. To ask someone if they want a divorce and they still don't engage? How depressing and hurtful.

You need to prioritise you.

The sooner you leave the better. He will suck all your energy and happiness out of you until there is nothing left. Life isn’t meant to be so miserable.
I hope he isn’t affecting your DD

He sounds like he just doesn't give a shit and sees it as your job. Wanker.

What is he like in other ways. Does he enjoy his children have a good relationship with them?

Clearly we’ve only got the negatives here, but from what you’ve written it sounds like a pretty big issue, possibly not stonewalling but his behaviour sounds very very odd - tbh no friends would be a dealbreaker for me before we’d even started, but no communication, negative, uninvolved...sounds awful for you :(

What was it that made you want to be with him (presuming golden cock or massive trust fund aren’t the reason!?). Was he charming, kind, funny, fun, amazing in bed, interesting, gorgeous smile/eyes etc etc (that’s my checklist - along with making sure they have and have kept lots of friends, preferably male and female so you know he’s not a lads lad & some practical skills are a bonus as I lack in that area!).

What were the qualities that made you think ‘he’s the one’ & does he still have them? Presumably he must have at least communicated at first?

@chipsandgin

I was really young when I met him. I was very very naive and married him thinking he would change and thinking that it was my fault for asking too many questions. Of course it should have been a big red flagZ the beginning of a relationship is when people talk and if someone shuts down and says I'm not talking about this or that, it isn't right. I'm such an idiot.

He has issues with sex too. Doesn't want it, never initiatiates and won't have the light on.

You aren’t an idiot at all, he is! People of all ages still make the mistake of thinking that someone will change (they never do - more often than not whatever if is you hope will change just gets worse unfortunately). The sex issues added into the equation is another one to add to the list of reasons you should put some serious thought into your exit plan.

Honestly - you are worth more than this, you can divorce - even if he refuses to talk about it you can make a plan, initiate proceedings (go and talk to a solicitor for some advice on the practicalities).

This doesn’t have to be the life you choose or the relationship you model to your daughter. I really hope you’ll think seriously about a lot of the advice on this thread, it doesn’t sound like there is anything to save and the sooner you get out the better. Don’t blame yourself though - everyone makes mistakes

You are NOT an idiot.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!!!
We'd all be living perfect lives if we could see into the future.
We can't.
But we can make choices to improve our future.
You can do that for you and your DD.
You can't keep living this life!
It's soul destroying.
So make your plans to end it and move on with your life.