Am I crazy to want to split up for these reasons?

[peacelikeariver]

I'm afraid this is going to be long and complicated, I'm very confused. I'm 41, DH is 37, 2 kids under 10.
Since the summer I have what would be called a midlife crisis I guess. The whole 'OMG this is it, my life is over, I have wasted my best years, I will never have a life again panic'. I also realised that I was much happier 15 years ago and that I have given up many things along the course of my marriage. I have lost 3 stone in as many months, very happy about that, and feel more like my old self, reading books again, listening to music I like.
However I am utterly miserable about my marriage. DH is a nice person but very passive and everything that needs to be organised, thought about or sorted out ends up being my job. It stresses me out but most stuff just doesn't cross his radar.
The other thing is that we moved to my home country a couple of years ago. I gave him the last choice on that. He wanted to move here. Since then he has made very little effort to learn the language( and made no effort at all in the year before we moved) and didn't work until a couple of months ago. He now works because I put my foot down, but it's a minimum wage job and that is probably how it will stay. He has no motivation to improve our live or financial situation.
I feel like I have a third child, not a husband or equal partner. I'm just so fed up and irritated at having to make all decisions and having all responsibility.
But, he is a nice person, kind, works hard when he does have a job, does housework etc. We don't agree on a few parenting things but he is good with the kids. That's not enough to stay married though is it? Or am I stupid to want to be alone over these things?

Empathise but not advice. Our relationship started like this and then got worse. Do you want to be with him when you are 60? Could you be amicable and live I separate houses but remain married?

You can decide to be on your own for any reason. Any reason is a valid reason.

On an aside, congratulations on the weight loss! How did you do it?

"I feel like I have a third child, not a husband or equal partner"

I felt exactly the same. I divorced him.

The weightloss was a combination of intermittened fasting, reduced carbs and realising I didn't want to be the person I had become anymore.

Well done! You should be very proud of yourself.

Excited makes a good point

I think if we didn't have children I would be done already. I think I'm conflicted because compared to most things I read on here my marriage is not bad, no abuse, nothing really bad happening. I just changed and now I feel guilty about that.

@ExcitedForFuture how did that pan out? At what point did you make the decision that it was enough?

@threesecrets are you still with him?

It doesn't have to be really bad, although I think being unhappy is bad enough. You've one life!! One.

@Windmillwhirl thats exactly what my midlife crisis is about! 'Crap this is it, I don't get a second go at this.'
I realise that sounds really stupid , I have no idea why it took me until now to work that out.

Left mine too, and actually we get on much better now as purely co-parents

I think we all are liable to getting in a rut, be it career, family life. I suppose intead of focusing non how long it took, look at it as you are still young and have plenty of time to do what you want. Take the positives

@peacelikeariver yes I am. I cried myself to sleep last night. He ignores me and won't initiate or continue a conversation. It's sad. But somehow I still feel life is easier together. It is practically and financially anyway, but emotionally it's a killer.

@threesecrets oh that is sad. But I know practicalities can be difficult.

You don’t need any other reason other than you’re not happy simple

@lanbro yes that would be my ideal scenario. Not sure how he will take it when he realises I'm being serious, I think at the moment he is still hoping I will return to 'normal'.

My relationship with my children's father wasn't bad, but neither of us were happy.
It was a very tough first year when we separated, due to us neither wanting to be apart from the children, but it needed to be done and we are both very happy co-parenting. If you're miserable then I'm sure he is too and staying together for the children isn't a healthy reason.

Would he move back to his home country if you split up do you think? If so you could end up as mostly a single parent than a co-parent. It's a shame you have evolved and he has stayed the same. But if you describe him as being like your third child, I don't know how you can ever get back romantic feelings for him sadly. Hope you can find a resolution that works for your family. And excellent work on the weight loss!

Doesnt sound like hes done anything wrong tbh, so as long as youre not just trying to pick apart all his faults just because youre having a mid-life crisis, and you can own that this is actually YOUR shit, then maybe it is time to sit down and tell him that you feel youve drifted too far apart and you arent enjoying the relationship anymore and its not giving you what you need at this time.

You think you just don't love him? You will have to be honest with him unless you think you can work through this.

I left my ex for similar reasons. He is lovely. I was clear with him that I didn't think he had done wrong and I probably never should have been with him. He now co parents our two year old and is excellent as a father, and we get along well. It's very sad though.

I have tried to talk to him about it. He doesn't really talk and goes quiet, or sulks a bit. In previous years I would bring it up, be upset about it, he would stay quiet for a few days and I'd give up and everything carried on as before. But now I don't feel like giving up anymore.
I'm don't love him at the moment and I don't think I can get that back.

@Branleuse I do actually realise alot of it is my shit. But I feel like I can't just forget about it. as for him doing nothing wrong, I didn't have the option of sitting around at home for 2 years. I had to work and feed the family and keep a roof over our heads, bit of help with that would have been the right thing to do, I think.

Sure, but its quite a cliche to be fine with stuff until you fall out of love, and then suddenly you rewrite the whole relationship.
Its hard. Relationships do end. Sometimes in our 40s we do re-evaluate what we want and whether we are getting it. I think its kind to let people down easy though

Well I wasn't fine with it before, but the kids were smaller and life was hard and really busy so I just carried on. No other choice. Now the kids are a bit older I did consider what we will have left when the kids are grown up, nothing much.
I don't want to be horrible though, he doesnt deserve that either.

"ExcitedForFuture how did that pan out? At what point did you make the decision that it was enough?"

I made the decision months before. I just got increasingly unhappy, was snappy and moody when he got back from work, which was then affecting my parenting. I also knew the DCs were being modelled a very poor relationship as there was zero affection between us. They had never even known us to share a bed. The thought that their future adult relationships would be based on what we were showing them meant I knew I had to end it.

I'm so much happier now. It was like a weight was lifted. I'm with someone else now. Who is like an equal partner. It's unbelievably refreshing and I realise just how much I had to be totally in charge before, which isn't a good thing at all. Ex even admitted he became my 3rd child.