Am I crazy to want to split up for these reasons?

[peacelikeariver]

I'm afraid this is going to be long and complicated, I'm very confused. I'm 41, DH is 37, 2 kids under 10.
Since the summer I have what would be called a midlife crisis I guess. The whole 'OMG this is it, my life is over, I have wasted my best years, I will never have a life again panic'. I also realised that I was much happier 15 years ago and that I have given up many things along the course of my marriage. I have lost 3 stone in as many months, very happy about that, and feel more like my old self, reading books again, listening to music I like.
However I am utterly miserable about my marriage. DH is a nice person but very passive and everything that needs to be organised, thought about or sorted out ends up being my job. It stresses me out but most stuff just doesn't cross his radar.
The other thing is that we moved to my home country a couple of years ago. I gave him the last choice on that. He wanted to move here. Since then he has made very little effort to learn the language( and made no effort at all in the year before we moved) and didn't work until a couple of months ago. He now works because I put my foot down, but it's a minimum wage job and that is probably how it will stay. He has no motivation to improve our live or financial situation.
I feel like I have a third child, not a husband or equal partner. I'm just so fed up and irritated at having to make all decisions and having all responsibility.
But, he is a nice person, kind, works hard when he does have a job, does housework etc. We don't agree on a few parenting things but he is good with the kids. That's not enough to stay married though is it? Or am I stupid to want to be alone over these things?

@ExcitedForFuture that's good to read. I'm not even thinking about someone else, probably too old now but even to only be responsible for myself and the kids sounds relaxing. I suppose I have become really resentful of having to do all the thinking.

It is very difficult when you find yourself in this predicament through no fault of your own, it's sadly how some relationships end up.
You want to go forwards, and your DH is quite happy coasting/going backwards, and he's only 37!
I understand how utterly draining it is and why you are feeling so resentful.
You really are not old at all and you could make a new life for yourself without having to push water up hill everyday, but of course it is so difficult when children are involved.
You have my sympathies because I am in exactly the same position, and just like you I don't know what to do and often wonder if I'm expecting too much.

@MaeveDidIt that is what I keep coming back to, am I expecting too much? I come from a family with aweful relationships and my past relationships were pretty bad too. I think in the beginning it was just nice to have a calm loving relationship, the responsibilities just crept up and up over the years and now I don't really know what I'm getting out of the relationship.

I don't think people should be in relationships that make them unhappy.
There are additional complications in your case.
Would you expect your DH to stay in a country that he doesn't speak the language and has a minimum wage job?
It seems more likely he would have to return to his country which will have a significant impact of your dc's contact with him.
Can you try couples counseling as splitting is going to significantly impact your dc due to the different home countries issue.
You may well end up there anywhere but it would give you both every chance to address the issues first.

We both lived in the UK together for some years before the move. He is from a different country again. He wouldn't go back there as no family there or work. I have offered several times to go back to the UK, he doesn't want to. He would never leave the children and move that far. Ironically we couldn't have afforded to break up in the UK. He is making more of an effort to learn the language since I read him the riot act. So he can stay here without too many problems.

I have given marriage councelling some thought. It's very expensive here. I haven't asked him so far because

1. When I try to talk to him here he basically says nothing.
2. It's yet another thing I'm organising to save the relationship. While he does nothing and waits it out?

I have tried to talk to him about it. He doesn't really talk and goes quiet, or sulks a bit. In previous years I would bring it up, be upset about it, he would stay quiet for a few days and I'd give up and everything carried on as before. But now I don't feel like giving up anymore.
I'm don't love him at the moment and I don't think I can get that bac
@peacelikeariver

I recently started a thread (though it got no responses!)
In relationships about stonewalling. It seems like there are some similarities between our relationships.

@peacelikeariver are you my twin!?

Would he legally be allowed to stay in your country if you split up? I assume he would because his children live there.

@threesecrets sorry to hear your situation is so similar, it sucks but I feel better that I'm not the only one!

He would be allowed to stay even without the children. No problem there.