MIL thinks DH is perfect.

[Lalalalalola]

I told MIL I am very unhappy with DH and that I am wanting to leave him. I explained that he gives me no time to do my work, any hobbies and seems to just please himself. He doesn't talk to me, spend much time with me and is very lazy.

She defended him.

I feel invisible as my own parents aren't around. Like I am just here to make children and grandchildren and because I'm not blood related, I don't matter. We spend a lot of time with DHs parents. She said that DH isn't the issue and that not having my own parents around is.
I realise I am on my own. He has always been her favourite out of her 3 children.
Every time I see MIL she just wants to get me on my own to ask me how her precious son is whilst I am treading water myself- she is always concerned for him in some way or another. Yet her son is making my life unbearable. All of this came pouring out to her the last time she told me she was worried about him. She concluded that she didn't want to hear any of it and was not getting involved. I responded that I need help as I am not coping.
She changed the subject.
How do I behave around her when I see her next? I feel let down and a little embarrassed as I became evidently frustrated by her responses.

Hope she does tell DH @Bluntness100, maybe he will take my pleas seriously for once.
If DH came first for her, surely she would want his marriage to work and be there for us both, rather than see us as rivals to be taking sides with?

"Treated like a person and not a domestic appliance."
Wow.
Exactly how feel.
Your story is very similar @CruellaDeVille2019

Telling your MIL about your marital problems was a very poor decision. Whose side did you think she would take? Her son will always come first and will always be faultless in her eyes.

Give her a wide berth from now on.

surely she would want his marriage to work and be there for us both, rather than see us as rivals to be taking sides with?

You're twisting this. It's not your mother in laws responsibility to get involved in your marriage, it is you and your husbands job to make it work or leave. Threatening to leave so he changes his ways is not nice behaviour. It is manipulative. Talk to him, either agree to changes or end it.

And yes she may listen and advise more to her son, because he is her son. I would do the same to my daughter. You need to respect the parent child bond. It doesn't change as they are adults. And sorting your marriage is you and your husbands responsibility. It's very wrong to try to make it hers.

Stop telling her! If she tells him then he may restrict your funds or drain the shared accounts

She is also wrong to make her sons wellbeing my responsibility which she perpetually does regularly. Perhaps she should ask HIM in future instead of mithering me about her son's wellbeing when I'm the one prioritising the rest of our family.
I am guessing if you were concerned about your daughter, you would ask her as opposed to grilling your son-in-law, particularly if you knew that he has troubles of his own going on.

Above response to @bluntness

I agree with @Bluntness100.

If you wanted her help, you should have asked for it rather than what will seem like a childish manipulative game. I know you were desperate but you made the wrong move.

You need to speak with your husband and sort out your issues between you two (or with counselling). How many threads do we see about interfering MILs ? It’s just not her place.

In terms of her asking you about him. He is your husband and her son. The thing you have in common and are both supposed to care about. Of course she’d talk to you about him, it would be similar to talking to your dad if you were worried about your mum (as an example). She will prob also be talking with him too. I don’t see an issue here either. He is her son, so she will always be primarily concerned with him and she seems to be worried about him at the moment.

Has he always been this way out of interest, or is he under stress and acting out at you ?

OP, my mum thinks I’m perfect. If my DH confided in her that he was unhappy and thinking of leaving me, there is absolutely no chance she would sympathise with him even if he had lots of good reasons. That’s just how it is I’m afraid.

It is how it is with your DM. It isn't always the case though believe me.

I am guessing if you were concerned about your daughter, you would ask her as opposed to grilling your son-in-law, particularly if you knew that he has troubles of his own going on

Yes I would, but I would possibly also talk to her partner, depending on the relationship with him, if I had concern about her. Because as Steph said I'd assume her partner also had her best interests at heart.

Look. Your mil isn't at fault here. She did the right thing in defending her child, closing it down and refusing to get involved in the marriage as you wished.

You need to talk to your husband and sort your issues or end the marriage. It needs to be between the two of you. If he chooses to talk to his mother then he has this right, because she's his mum. And will always be his mum, you will not always be her daughter in law.

I think you may be my MIL bluntness. I get where you are coming from, I really do but don't be surprised when we are never best friends or particularly close/ I never trust you. Cos you can't have it both ways and so many people expect to.

ireally do but don't be surprised when we are never best friends or particularly close/ I never trust you

Genuinely if you expected I would feel for you the same as my child, other than care for you, even love you like any other extended family member, and you decided you couldn't be close to me because of this, I'd be very ok with this indeed, genuinely I really would.

And I'd be deeply disturbed if my own daughter decided her mother in law should care for her like her own child and if she did not decided the relationship couldn't be close because she didn't, I can never perceive a situation where that occurs, but if it did, I talk to her about her unreasonable behaviour and just how odd it was.

A child's partner no matter how much you like love or care for them willl never ever be like your own child unless something is deeply wrong.

Bluntness you don't quite understand.
Nobody is saying that you shouldn't side with your own child. Of course, we would all do that.
This was never about taking "sides" as you systematically and "bluntly" keep hammering in with your posts.
This was about saying "I'm struggling too." And her actually realising that.
My own DM (who lives over 500 miles away) will ask DH how he is when she knows I've been upset by his behaviour. I think you are struggling to see any grey areas in your thinking.

I think expecting anyone to get involved in a marriage, specifically a marital breakdown, is bonkers. Or they would need to bonkers to agree to it. Unless they are a trained counsellor or therapist who is unrelated to either party.

Even if I could see every imperfection and fault in my child as a spouse, it wouldn’t be my place to get involved and try to sort it out. And more importantly I would probably not be very good at it.

I’m sorry OP but she did the right thing. This is your conversation to have with your husband. No one else can do it for you. If you need help go to relate or something similar.

You're right to find it upsetting OP.

I do think though that you need to accept that MIL is not perfect, and won't see things through the lens you do.

There are some genuinely loving and inclusive MILs out there whose church is broad enough to include their DILs as new children brought into the family as true kin.

And then there are most other MILs who prioritize their babies and just can't take any part but those of their own children.

Your MIL has shown you shes not able to show the balance and magnanimity you probably deserve. Try not to let it fester - accept her as she is and move on to a different strategy to solve your marriage problems x

I am totally against MIL's not seeing anything wrong in their adult sons. My dil told me recently that he was being lazy, doing nothing whilst she was working ft and studying ( no dc). I waited till he said something against her, then I handed him his arse on a plate. Told him he was out of order, he bucked his ideas up eventually and I'm happy to say they seem back on track.

Point is, she must've been desperate to confide in me as she doesn't usually. It was probably the same for you OP, which is why mil's like this really annoy me.

As other pp's have said, you are wasting your time with her. She would rather think he's perfect than have his bad behaviour reflect on her parenting and that makes her defensive.

Good luck, I hope you find a way to sort this

There are some genuinely loving and inclusive MILs out there whose church is broad enough to include their DILs as new children brought into the family as true kin

I think there are two kinds of people In the world. If my mil had decided I wa her child I'd have been horrified. I liked her, cared for her, but she was not my mother nor should she have acted like she was. To me that would have been distinctly odd.

I also shall not act like I'm my daughters partner's mother and on an even footing with his own mother, no way, and that he should treat me equally as he would his own mother. Like I'm his real mum. That's just even odder.

Does that mean I can't see my daughters faults? No, not at all. Does it mean I don't talk privately to her, no of course not. I would not interfere in her relationship at her partners request, but I'd quietly tell her exactly what her partner said to me, what the request was, and try to understand what was going on from her side.

I'm a bit puzzled by the thread, normally on mumsnet people hate rheir mils. This is the first needy thread I've seen where women want to be treated like they are their mils actual own child and to treat rheir mother in laws like they really are their mum.

Bluntness, I totally get what you are saying, but it sounds like the OP has unrealistic expectations and they're hurting her.

I personally have had little interest / support from my parents, my dad was NC with me before his death and my mum is confused about how parenting works tbh, so I get how someone can project fantasies onto their ILs where there's a bit of wish fulfillment stuff going on. Where you just absolutely wish someone would take your part when you're hurting and tired. And to be fair there are MILs out there who do sometimes show amazing magnanimity and inclusion of their DILs.

I think the right response here is to acknowledge that OP is hurting but also to gently point out that few MILs are super-amazing, ultra-fair, expert balancers of different POVs. Hell, few people are in general. OPs MIL sounds like an ordinary woman who understandably has a blind spot re her son / wants to "stay out of it". If OP can accept that she will be less resentful and maybe make her own moves to sort the marriage.

I think that's fair rvby, I totally get that, but I don't think it does the op any favours to say her mother in law is in some way wrong.

Op, I do understand you're hurt and wanted her to take your side, to support you. But I don't think this means your mother in law was wrong to refuse to get involved and speak to her son on your behalf.

😔

Clearly now you know shes not on the side of the family but only on the side of her son. Do not confide in her again and be cold and matter of fact when you have to deal with her. As pp said: yeah all good, same old. Its hard when you have no support of your own but at least now you know where you stand. You need to think about your wellbeing and the kids and whether yoir relatioship is worth it for you. X

I don't think her MIL is in some way wrong; barring outright abuse, I don't think there is a right way, with this sort of thing. The language in my initial post was a little stronger than it should have been and I can see why my meaning was obscured.

There's just different folk with different feelings, beliefs, cultural expectations, etc. when it comes to family - as well as vastly different conflict resolution and negotiation skills.

Sounds like OP has very specific expectations of MIL when it comes to how she ought to see DIL's status in the family, and she also expects MIL to have, and use, fairly exceptional conflict resolution skills. Not realistic IMO and bound to cause hurt feelings (we are saying the same thing on that really)

My MiL always gave me great advice on handling my husband's behaviours as he is just like his father. I also have no mother any more so I appreciated her help.

He's an only child but I always get the feeling that if we broke up they'd support me over him.
If you're not getting the help from her you'll need to talk to him about the issues in your marriage.

Genuinely if you expected I would feel for you the same as my child, other than care for you, even love you like any other extended family member, and you decided you couldn't be close to me because of this, I'd be very ok with this indeed, genuinely I really would.

No I definitely didn't expect or even want that. What I expected is that you wouldn't side immediately with your own child badmouth me and chuck me out with the garbage if we split up. I would expect you to be fair minded rather than just blindly supporting your own child. My father would try to be fair minded, my MIL would think DH was in the right regardless. Don't you see the difference?

The OP told her MIL they were on the verge of splitting up and that it was crisis point. It is hardly like getting her to interfere on a day to basis.

Blunt you are, you are also struggling to see shades of grey in family interactions.

I never said I would bad mouth any partner, chuck them out etc, in fact I said the opposite, I would love and care for them like any other extended family member. Maybe you're reading someone else's posts or are projecting?

Op, have you spoken to your husband about this? How does he feel about the marriage? I'm assuming he knows you wish to end thr marriage?

The dicusssions you've had with him haven't figured here and it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage.

I'd defend my child and refuse to get involved. Exactly as she did. My daughter will always come first for me. I'd also quietly tell my daughter about it. I see nothing wrong with your mils behaviour

Nope no projection, you have changed your tune.