I just don't know what I do wrong

[Frootytooty567]

Me and dh have been together 13 years, married for 3. We have two children.
He's so laid back and generally a nice guy.
I'm under so much pressure and stress atm and he knows this. But I'm constantly left to deal with family admin, shopping, cleaning, cooking, you name it. I do it. He's never once bought a present for either children Christmas/birthday or anyone else tbh... It's always left to me. So much needs doing in the house (DIY) but it's like getting blood from a stone so I end up doing it.
We keep bickering lately, and I admit I don't have the patience for his ways anymore. I feel so worn down. The amount of times I've told him I'm struggling, I don't feel well (palpitations, chest pains, exhausted from no sleep) but then I get no empathy, or comfort. Just "why?" even though I've already explained. He says he cares but how? I don't feel it at all. I'm so sad. I do so much for him.
If he sees me crying, he'll just carry on with what he's doing and ignore me.

The last bicker resulted in his agreeing he needs to do more. So I asked him to make dinner. Turns out he forgot. I felt so stressed cus DD hasn't been sleeping well lately and I wanted to get her to bed earlier and he knew this, but still forgot he needed to make dinner. I'd only told him that morning..
I admit I snapped but I feel so frustrated. But he took it out on me saying that I upset him.

It seems so silly writing it out but these little things happen all the time and I imagine taking my life sometimes, just to dream of the relief of getting away from it all. But of course I'd never do that to my children. I just want and need a break and someone who I can actually rely on... And take care of me the way I take care of him.

He doesn't care about you, he doesn't give a shit at all.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but actions speak than words.

You need to look after yourself, especially your health.
Is there someone you can rely on ? What would happen if you went away for the weekend and left him with the children ?

OP you would manage way better if you were a single parent, the reality is you ARE a single parent.

I agree with the others. He is selfish, lazy and you deserve far better.

I'm not sure how you've managed to stick it so long.

It sounds like the time to leave was a long time ago. Your relationship is over, and has been for quite a while.

I'd dump him, but I know it's easier said than done when you have kids. Can you draw up a rota, then he cant 'forget'?

He's a man child. Cut him loose.

Silly?? You think that sounds silly?? Are you absolutely kidding? It's horrific!

How you have not strangled him and buried him under the patio I don't know. I'm serious.

Get the lazy fucker out of your house. You'll feel 109 times better with that dead weight off your shoulders.

I'm an exhausted single parent and much prefer it like this than feeling exhausted and alone when you're supposed to be in a relationship. At least youd have space and the opportunity to find someone who meets your needs. Do he really want to be with you? Of course, being a single parent is much different to where you are now, Financially etc I get along ok with my ex husband, I could never go back to the negativity and feeling held back. What about relate? you're not feeling heard

Have you told him you are willing to leave over this? It was only really when I told my DH that I thought I would be better off on my own that our relationship turned around. It might not necessarily get him to change, but it's probably better being on your own than with him dragging you down.

OP this man despises you. No one you liked, never mind loved you could sit back and watch you drive yourself into the ground. He 'forgot' to make dinner because he's despicable.

I couldn't forgive someone for sitting around while I suffered anxiety as I was under so much stress. Not only that, but actually adding to that stress. I get the feeling that he's not laid back at all as he sounds quite spiteful. It sounds like a power struggle in that the more you ask him to step up, the more he digs in his heels.

You are being perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to pull his weight day to day and to step up when you need extra support. It should really go without saying. Do you know why? Because he loves you. This man seems to get off on seeing you suffer and you sound as though you're on your knees.

You don't have 2 children, you have 3. Luckily, you have the liberty to divorce one of them. Stop wasting your life on this man child.

You’ve just got another child to look after essentially. He’s got far too use to you doing everything and who would want to start pitching in now after how many years? The lack of support is something else though. No wonder your stressed out to the max. Maybe ask for some space and see if you actually miss picking up after him his presence

Course he's aid back, as he can sit back - except, he's a dad of 2, so he can't. Do you work, or can you take the kids off for a few days - I would be tempted not to give notice. By doing this he will either realise what he could lose, or he'd feel the freedom he likes and then you'll know, that he's not interested in having a family and deserves not to get one, though he can still pay as he made his bed.

Wow.. I'm really surprised by some of these replies. I was fully expecting to be told to get on with it. He's really not a bad guy, he just seems like he can only focus on one thing at a time for some reason. He's a great dad but I just feel like I'm not worth the hassle sometimes.
I'm still breastfeeding so couldn't leave but I wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway. He knows I won't leave lol
He has started helping more with sorting out laundry etc.
He works full time and I'm on maternity leave at the moment.
I just want a bit of effort sometimes so that I don't have to worry when I return to work.
If I say anything to anyone, they sort of take a neutral ground or his side and come back with excuses for him. My favourite "he's a man, that's what they do"

Thanks all for replying, it's helpful to just vent to real people x

OP, a great Dad is someone who loves and respects the mother of his children/his current partner, a great Dad ensures that he can foster a healthy happy environment with his partner so the children can thrive. Your children aren't thriving if you're at breaking point and can no longer cope.
A marriage is a partnership and I feel so sorry for the women who have been burdened with going to work 5 days a week AND doing all the domestic household chores at the same time, these men have somehow found themselves someone to pay the bills, but also cook all their food, clean their houses, look after their children etc. What are you exactly getting out of it? And no its not "what men do", there are many capable men out their who do their fair share, it's just a cop out so lazy good for nothing men can continue to sponge of the hard work of women. Please OP for your children, get this man to do his FAIR SHARE, or leave. Think of the example you are setting to you children, would you be happy if your DD was treated like this by her partner, or your son was treating his partner this way? I have a brother who was raised on a pedestal and turned out to be a lazy adult, incapable of doing anything for himself, and whilst he works (so did his ex) he contributed absolutely nothing to the house and was more of a nuisence (dirty, messy, etc) eventually his ex couldn't take it anymore and broke down to my mum about how she can't live like this, and hows she's done everything and he treats her like a skinny, whilst she pays for the privilege (she was the breadwinner). Eventually she left, and we loosely keep in contact and she's THRIVING, and my good for nothing brother? He's still living in his own shit, this time without anyone to clean up after him.

He’s really not a great dad. Great dads don’t treat their children’s mothers with utter contempt. Are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life? Are you happy that your children will be brought up to think that the woman does everything in a relationship while the man acts like a helpless manchild?

It’s not what men are like, it really isn’t. And women who think like this are staying in wholly unsatisfactory relationships because they think this is how men should behave.

You can do so much better than this .

I feel so stupid for letting it get to this. I know he's just got comfortable... I try so hard to get him to see the problem but he gets so defensive and then we barely speak. He doesn't seem to do this spitefully, it's more like he has nothing to say to me or doesnt know what to say so leaves it. But it makes it worse for me because it hangs over me. We're both stubborn as anything. He's gotten really shit at showing emotion which doesn't help.
He is a good dad though, our youngest won't sleep alone anymore so he holds her all night.
But just this morning he got up, took the baby and didn't say anything to me.

He's training you, like a dog. He's training you to not make a fuss. To know your place.

Vile man.

He's a nice hug so long as he doesn't have to think of or do anything? He's a great dad because he holds his kid at night? Easy to be a great dad if all you have to do is sleep.

He doesn't sound that nice tbh. What was he like before children?

Nice guy! I meant to say, not nice hug. Or maybe he is a nice hug since that's all he seems to do.

OP, he’s not a great dad, nor is he ‘helping.’ He shouldnt need telling to do basic household tasks, he should just do them because its part of being a responsible adult, parent and husband. Read up on ‘wifework’ and make sure youre able to disentangle yourself from this loser asap.

You need to stop making his life so comfortable. Don’t do his washing/ironing, don’t make his dinner or tidy up after him. Atm his life is easy so he has no incentive to change

If you're determined to stick this out then I think you need to sit down and agree a division of tasks. Write down what you agree to. That way he can't wriggle out of it and say 'Oh I forgot'. Because one of the hardest things for me is having to remember for everyone else. I'm like the family's memory and I forget one thing for someone else - a piece of homework, football boots, woolly hat, you name it - it's 'Oh Mummy!' You need to be a team and divvy up the jobs that need to be done. During the week I do it all, but at the weekend I require DH to pitch in, since we're both at home, and this is what you need to insist on. Don't let him shirk his responsibilities! It's okay for him to have downtime, but you need downtime too and he needs to pull his weight in the home the rest of the time.

It makes me so sad to read these messages.. I feel guilty for posting now. I don't know what's happened to make him like this. He does chores sometimes. I heard him do the dishwasher this morning. He just seems too laid back and I don't know how I can change it without causing arguements. He gets really stressed with work and it seems to take over everything.