I just don't know what I do wrong

[Frootytooty567]

Me and dh have been together 13 years, married for 3. We have two children.
He's so laid back and generally a nice guy.
I'm under so much pressure and stress atm and he knows this. But I'm constantly left to deal with family admin, shopping, cleaning, cooking, you name it. I do it. He's never once bought a present for either children Christmas/birthday or anyone else tbh... It's always left to me. So much needs doing in the house (DIY) but it's like getting blood from a stone so I end up doing it.
We keep bickering lately, and I admit I don't have the patience for his ways anymore. I feel so worn down. The amount of times I've told him I'm struggling, I don't feel well (palpitations, chest pains, exhausted from no sleep) but then I get no empathy, or comfort. Just "why?" even though I've already explained. He says he cares but how? I don't feel it at all. I'm so sad. I do so much for him.
If he sees me crying, he'll just carry on with what he's doing and ignore me.

The last bicker resulted in his agreeing he needs to do more. So I asked him to make dinner. Turns out he forgot. I felt so stressed cus DD hasn't been sleeping well lately and I wanted to get her to bed earlier and he knew this, but still forgot he needed to make dinner. I'd only told him that morning..
I admit I snapped but I feel so frustrated. But he took it out on me saying that I upset him.

It seems so silly writing it out but these little things happen all the time and I imagine taking my life sometimes, just to dream of the relief of getting away from it all. But of course I'd never do that to my children. I just want and need a break and someone who I can actually rely on... And take care of me the way I take care of him.

@zafferana you hit the nail on the head. It's so hard to remember for everyone. I get frustrated too easy because of the pressure to do everything.

Do you have support from friends and family locally? Do you have your own money or equal access to family money? If you’re determined to stay with him then things need to change, however uncomfortable that makes him.

Stop saying he's "laid back' and start saying he's lazy. Because that's what he is. You're so stressed that you're having palpitations ffs. You're going to end up properly ill if this carries on. It's like you have 3 children.

Wow...i cannot believe the amount of people advising OP to get a divorce!!! You see a snapshot of anger / venting and call her DH all sorts -its disgusting!

OP I'd also impress upon him how much more harmonious your household will be if he helps you to bear the family's burdens. It's easy, I think, to get into a rut with the FT worker not pulling their weight at home (unless that FT worker is a woman anyway ...), while the SAHP ends up basically doing 7 days a week every week, because DC don't finish at 6pm and give you you 48 hours off every weekend! Communication is the key though. Be explicit in what sort of help you need, but I don't agree with this passive aggressive 'don't do his laundry' shit that I see on MN all the time. If you're a family then laundry is communal and as long as he's pulling his weight then you don't have to live like flat mates who only do their own stuff - that will only make for more rancour and resentment. Agree how you are going to run your home and parent your DC, sharing those tasks when he is at home. It's the only way.

I know I'm a push over. But I'm impatient too, he probably would do more if I was more patient but I like routine and he wouldn't do it until last minute. I don't really have any support. I have my mom, but she works. Sadly I'm a loner now and have no friends. They've all turned out to be quite sly and done things behind my back.. seems like I can't rely on anybody. I'm sorry to moan to you all, but it's helped me a lot to vent. Thank you for your advice and support here.

@Frootytooty567

The thing is you cant change it without causing an argument. He’s not going to magically suddenly change. That’s the problem - you don’t want to cause an argument so you put up with his behaviour, justify it & then run yourself into the ground

@Franz123 yeah I think some are a little too harsh too, I guess I shouldn't have posted while I was upset maybe.. my fault really.

No just don't read too much into these responses! Sounds like you're in a bit of a rut, maybe just a stern word and a kick up the bum before getting the lawyers involved 🙄

DH is wonderful, in many many ways, but really crap at the stuff you've mentioned. He's getting better as DC older I can just go out for the day, etc. I do still remind him about his own mother's birthday, etc. but I have really stepped back on stuff. Easy to do laundry for everyone else but not him, sort food for everyone else, but not him (in our house there are things he eats that no one else does. If it's not on the list, I don't buy it. He then sometimes has to make an extra trip to buy cereal for the morning. His inconvenience. Doesn't seem to bother him too much. Fine, he's happy to have life that laid back way, I knew that about him when we got together, neither of us realised our ways would sometimes clash. I try to learn from him and just chill out about stuff - e.g. family birthdays and occasions that I just don't worry about any more, etc. and I try and explain to him why he might be ok with not having any breakfast in the morning, BUT, it's not ok for DC and they will not be happy. It seems to work better for us. I tell him specifically things that are to go on 'his list' i.e. please look up that specific item that DC told you about for Xmas this evening.

Also, give him things he can be responsible for on his own and try not to intervene (even if it's really hard!!) as (as said above) when you do it all, why should he make the effort? You have to step back and allow him to step up. So, find a few tasks that are not time critical or are obvious when they need doing (full bin = more obvious, bathroom sink needs cleaning = less obvious) and get him to agree to be 'in charge' of those things and do not intervene....do not....even if you want to....even if you can as you are at home.....and you have to look at it all day, etc. Longer term it will be better for both of you.

I also struggle with the laid backness when something needs doing (cleaning up after cooking for example) as in my mind it 'needs' doing 'now' - straight after dinner or whenever. DH thinks 'now' means at some point in the next hour. Drives me bonkers so if he says 'I'll do the kitchen in a minute' I know to take myself off and not look at it and trust him that he will do it......it'll take longer for him to get around to it and it'll take him longer......but, he will do it. Instead of letting it bug you, trust him and stay away from it and go and do something instead. It's also best not to watch him doing laundry, putting duvet covers on, etc. if he's out of practice as it will drive you bonkers and he will feel more nervous doing it in front of you.

Last thing - when something is forgotten when out or a birthday missed or something, make sure you say 'oh no, WE forgot to bring the baby's teddy with us' not 'Oh no, I forgot XYZ'. He left the house, why didn't he think to take it too? DH really reacts differently to this joint guilt and it helps him remember next time as points out that is his job too, to remember stuff, not just mine. Also helps with my constant guilt.

You're blaming yourself for his behaviour.

He consciously refuses to do anything around the house. That's your job, woman.

He drags his feet - or does it badly? - so you'll never ask again.

Not that you should have to ask: two adults, one house.

@NoNewsisGood sounds just like my DH... There's a few things you've suggested which I could try - thank you for that! He has started to notice the clothes sitting in the dryer and has taken them out and folded them for me. But then again he's stopped taking the bins out and it'll just be overflowing and nappies everywhere... I just can't understand why some people don't feel there's a bit more urgency to clear up a bit. I'm always so embarrassed when grandparents come round and offer to clean up cus I haven't had chance to do it all.

Ha ha, no I don't understand it. I tell DH though and he says 'I don't understand why it's so urgent' so we agree to disagree. He agrees to make me happy by doing things to my schedule when I have a reason (even just cos it'll stress me out) and I agree to back off and let him go slow when I can.

It's not easy and we still bicker about it sometimes. However, I try to focus on what he does right and fair enough, he doesn't really ever complain about what I do - clearly am perfect!!

He has started to notice the clothes sitting in the dryer and has taken them out and folded them for me

He shouldnt be folding them for you he’s a member of the household and should be pulling his weight when it comes to domestic chores and childcare, household admin. etc.

Part of the problem is you are your own worst enemy. Do you really think his employer would make the excuses you make for him not pulling his weight and not completing agreed tasks? Of course not, his employer would not have enabled his laziness or tolerated his weak arsed excuses and would have fired his arse by now.

Man babies can only stay man babies if women didn’t continue to enable then. Until you realise your excuses and pitiful low expectations, have enabled his mistreatment of you, you can’t begin to take the actions you need to take to stop allowing him from taking the proverbial.

It takes a special kind of callous laziness watching someone you purport to love, buckle under the stress and not attempt to support them. Congratulations on bagging yourself such a prize, is this a responsible relationship you want to continue to model for your children? If it isn’t, then don’t.

I'm fairly convinced you are married to my ex husband.....

A man child who couldn't help me with family stuff and DCs if his life depends on it.

Is this what you're willing to accept for the rest of your life with him? If so, brilliant.
If you think you're worth more (and you are) get out now as this will not improve.

You need to manage your stress levels.There are techniques and methods for doing this. Start with searching online and find what works for you or go and see your GP. Ultimately you need to address the cause of your stress. If you feel you are doing too much then stop trying. Pick out the stuff that is urgent and important and start with that. If you don't get it all done then bollocks to it. Assertive training will help with your man and learning to say NO is a vital skill to have. Make time for yourself and try some form of exercise. Don't beat yourself up if you don't get it sorted straight away. I know a little about stress. I work for the NHS. Good luck.

Also, give him things he can be responsible for on his own and try not to intervene (even if it's really hard!! seriously? it's like you're talking about an infant.

YOU are not doing anything wrong.

He doesn't do chores to 'help you'. He should do chores because he's an adult living in a house.