How do i get my mother to take more responsibility with my child.

[Judgybitch]

Hi, I need some advice as to how i can speak to my mother about her looking after my toddler son.

I love my mother but she can be quite unconsciously self centred (not malicious or anything) she is also keen to spend time with my son who is nearly 2 and they have a great relationship generally but he has never been alone with her for more than 10 minutes or so.

This is because i don't feel like he is entirely safe with her. She gets easily distracted when talking to people and despite having three children herself seems to have no concept of safety around him, will casually put hot drinks right in front of him, let him climb things and let him just wonder off in her house out of sight, she CAN pay attention to him but just doesn't seem to have the focus when other stuff is going on. When i say to keep an eye on him she says she doesn't mind if he breaks (one of the hundreds of reachable ornaments) but i don't want him to a) learn to break stuff or b) hurt himself on broken glass/pottery etc.

The complication is that i am due to give birth in a few weeks and as my mother is the nearest family member she has said that she is happy to look after my son while i'm in hospital and also take him out in the following weeks to give me a break occasionally. This would all be great and much appreciated except that i don't think i trust her...she knows a lot of people in our area and we are forever bumping into people she knows, i have visions of her going out alone with DS getting chatting to people and he just wonders into a road or something.

She can be difficult to speak to as she can get easily offended/upset/anxious and i hate to hurt her as she is a wonderful person in a lot of ways and honestly means well, my son adores her too.

I hate conflict myself but my OH and i have been talking and i have come to the above realisation when he expressed his concern too and now know i cannot allow her to watch him without basically her proving herself to me in the next few weeks.

How can i make my point clear (we have different parenting styles) but also not hurt her (or bloody not get upset myself)!! i feel i may just blurt something out and damage our relationship. I have ASD myself so interactions like this i struggle with.

My main concern is that she will just dismiss my concerns if i'm not strong enough or get upset if i'm too strong...ug im not good at this at all, im seeing her tomorrow and i really just want to avoid the topic but know i must bring it up, my OH would say something but its my responsibility really and he has even less tact then me! :)

Can any of you help? i know i need bigger/higher girl pant!!!

So... you're expecting your Mother to provide you with childcare.. but you're concerned she does not look after the safety of your Child.. so you want to 'gently' insult her .. and still expect her to be at your beck and call....

Find someone else to look after your DS is the easy answer.

If she isn't a safe option for childcare for your son then you make alternative arrangements. Dh/oh stays home when you deliver or you ask a friend or one of your OHs family to help while you labour.

I don't think that's fair bumblebee op has said DM is keen to spend time with my son and she is happy to look after my son while i'm in hospital and also take him out in the following weeks to give me a break occasionally however has also said she doesn't feel like this can happen due to DM lack of safety awareness!

Take your mum as birthing partner and your dh can have your toddler? I don't think you can raise those concerns without offending her.

You seem over anxious. I bet your mother would be great, she brought up three children. Your being spoilt and insulting.
Millennials didnt invent parenting!

Maybe your mum is kind of relying on you keeping an eye out when you are there with her and DS. I am sure that when she is on her own with him she will be on the ball. After all, you survived to adulthood!

You can't train someone to be more careful.

Find another person to look after dc1 or have your mum as birth partner and partner as childcare for dc1.

OMG my mother would be the worst birthing partner!!

@BumbleBeee69 at no point did i say i expected he to provide childcare, SHE expects to provide childcare and I don't want to have to say no!

@crystal1717 spoiled?! not sure where that came from? we went into childcare fairly early and were frequently left to be looked after by my older sister (still young herself) My younger sister and me were often left to our own devices at 10 and under with zero supervision. I imagine this was all fairly normal in those days so nothing to be outraged about but not great by todays standards.

Firstly, even she says it was decades ago and she remembers nothing about it. She is also much more flaky then she was. The 'well i did it and my kids were fine' is such a ridiculous position.

Examples of poor judgement. Letting my son grab hot mugs of coffee and put his hands in them. Balancing a coffee pot on a low table within his reach then not stopping him touching it, generally keeping things out of his reach etc etc. It isn't these issues in particular it is the general lack of foresight that something could go wrong. Only when he is actually in fairly serious danger will she act and only if she is paying attention. DS has already smashed and broken several things, one glass things right in front of her because she allowed this. Her general attitude is 'it'll be fine' or 'he has to learn' .

@Bobbybobbins

I have wondered exactly this. I do think however that we just have very different parenting styles and hers is much more hands off. I think i still need to say something.

She is very social and easily gets distracted by talking to people and i think this is the issue as she isnt capable of splitting her attention or prioritising DS.

she will not be able to look after your DS safely... your examples are scary I think you just have to be honest with yourself.....I wouldnt have the conversation with her at all... I would arrange for someone else to look after DS when you are having baby or dh will have to could you afford a doula? seriously it would be too stressful for you /you both to be worrying about her lack of attention
If she says anything just say dont worry all sorted he's going to friends/dh whatever you arrange...... you do not have to have her as your childcare - lots of people dont
you do need to stick up for yourself and DS as he is too little to and his safety should be paramount

My mother is so easily distracted that she could not be relied upon to ever look after a child. Therefore she never looks after a child. If she's offended, tough, she still doesn't get to be with the child unsupervised. It really is that simple.

Your son isn’t safe left alone with her. So you say no.
The idea that she can prove herself fit to care for him won’t go down well. Make other arrangements.

Ask her to keep him in whilst you’re in labour and then politely decline when she offers to take him out afterwards.

Why do you feel that your mother should look after your child anyway

I totally understand OP. My mother is similar. Wants to play but just can’t pay attention. I’m afraid I simply dont leave dc alone with her. I don’t think any conversation would change her so she did pay attention. It would just offend her. She thinks I’m hideously neurotic and it means I don’t get any childcare from her but that’s the way it’s goes!

If she can't be trusted to look after him properly then don't let her look after him on her own until he's a lot older and it is safe.

The first reply on here is totally missing the point.

I just wouldn't leave my child with her.

I would be able to tell my mum and when my DC were younger and we visited..I would remove any dangerous breakables to.a higher level. I didn't ask..I just did it. My childs safety is more important than my DM getting offended.

My mum never did get offended at all and it's just common sense not to have hot drinks in a toddlers reach.

If she can't do that and ensure his safety, then make sure she's never left to have him alone.

This isn't about a difference in parenting styles, watching a child get hurt and then saying 'that will teach you' isn't parenting at all. Its a type of abuse.
She isn't a safe person to have your child.

Your only option is to find someone else to watch your son. That's it. Your mother simply isn't going to change and you need to accept that fact and move on.

i cannot allow her to watch him without basically her proving herself to me in the next few weeks

That's not going to happen. She's not going to change or even if she does focus enough whilst you're watching, you'll never be comfortable she's doing it when you aren't there.

After reading your Update OP..

I would not even consider leaving your Child with your Mother.. you KNOW she is not fit to look after him.. Find someone else.

Not read all the replies but mine is about trying to help you not insult you!

I'd probably try to link honesty with your concerns and anxiety about leaving him when you talk to her.
Whilst I agree she can't change who she is, she can change her ways (of looking after him) for example, she says let him drop the ornament he's got to learn, you say I'd rather it's out of reach.

Maybe approach it by saying 'I'm anxious about leaving him and you're my mum and the one I want to leave him with but I am worrying because of the ornaments/ hot drinks/ other issues so rather than me expect you to change your home I was going to ask 'sue' but wanted to chat with you first about this as 'sue' parents the same style as we do so it's less confusing for child. You could always give examples like 'sue wouldn't have him reach ornaments and I agree with that so we teach child xyz and it's not fair on child or you to have to adjust, unless you were ok to as it's more confusing for him etc.
You could have set places you'd like her to take him such as toddler classes/ soft play so you know he's in a safe environment.
Could she watch him at your home?

If it were my mum I feel most things I can say but I know loads of people who have had parent fall outs through things like this.

Hope it works out ok.

It will be simpler for all if you can get childcare. Can your DH look after your DS when you are in hospital?
If you don't feel comfortable or trust you DM, then you won't be able to relax. It all sounds very complicated and triggering. Hence getting a 3rd party to babysit. Maybe your DM could come to you and look after DS in your house, so you can have a nap. Is any of this an option?

It doesn't sound like you can trust her with him, I'm afraid. I agree that the argument that she raised you ok is stupid - a lot can change in 30 years and your survival to adulthood does not automatically indicate good parenting, IMO.

I sympathise with your situation; I once left my (tiny, doted-upon) DC in the care of both my parents for an hour and felt I had to tell them that they weren't allowed to hit my kids. My father - who had hit us rarely - assured me that wouldn't happen and gave my mother - who hit us pretty much every day for 15 years - a stern look. She looked down and said nothing.

Would you be able to say to her that you'd find it helpful for her to come to yours more over the next few weeks so your DS has a chance to get used to her taking care of him in his home environment? If she's not happy/able to look after him at yours, then it would make sense to tell her that it's important to you that he is at home whilst you're giving birth as you don't want him experiencing lots of confusion/feeling as though he's being pushed away for the new baby and because you find it hard to think of him being around her ornaments etc without being certain he'll be safe - this way, that worry is lessened. If she won't do that, it may be better to see if you can ask/pay for help from elsewhere.

If she does come to yours to familiarise herself with his home routines etc., you will have more scope for asking her to do things your way e.g. hot drinks being kept away from your DS. It may be that she finds it easier to be more alert to your DS when she's out of her home and so less likely to get distracted anyway.