How do i get my mother to take more responsibility with my child.

[Judgybitch]

Hi, I need some advice as to how i can speak to my mother about her looking after my toddler son.

I love my mother but she can be quite unconsciously self centred (not malicious or anything) she is also keen to spend time with my son who is nearly 2 and they have a great relationship generally but he has never been alone with her for more than 10 minutes or so.

This is because i don't feel like he is entirely safe with her. She gets easily distracted when talking to people and despite having three children herself seems to have no concept of safety around him, will casually put hot drinks right in front of him, let him climb things and let him just wonder off in her house out of sight, she CAN pay attention to him but just doesn't seem to have the focus when other stuff is going on. When i say to keep an eye on him she says she doesn't mind if he breaks (one of the hundreds of reachable ornaments) but i don't want him to a) learn to break stuff or b) hurt himself on broken glass/pottery etc.

The complication is that i am due to give birth in a few weeks and as my mother is the nearest family member she has said that she is happy to look after my son while i'm in hospital and also take him out in the following weeks to give me a break occasionally. This would all be great and much appreciated except that i don't think i trust her...she knows a lot of people in our area and we are forever bumping into people she knows, i have visions of her going out alone with DS getting chatting to people and he just wonders into a road or something.

She can be difficult to speak to as she can get easily offended/upset/anxious and i hate to hurt her as she is a wonderful person in a lot of ways and honestly means well, my son adores her too.

I hate conflict myself but my OH and i have been talking and i have come to the above realisation when he expressed his concern too and now know i cannot allow her to watch him without basically her proving herself to me in the next few weeks.

How can i make my point clear (we have different parenting styles) but also not hurt her (or bloody not get upset myself)!! i feel i may just blurt something out and damage our relationship. I have ASD myself so interactions like this i struggle with.

My main concern is that she will just dismiss my concerns if i'm not strong enough or get upset if i'm too strong...ug im not good at this at all, im seeing her tomorrow and i really just want to avoid the topic but know i must bring it up, my OH would say something but its my responsibility really and he has even less tact then me! :)

Can any of you help? i know i need bigger/higher girl pant!!!

No need to compare her to 'sue' or mention Sue. She isn't Sue, it's not about parenting style. It's about child safety.

If I needed to have such a conversation with my mum, then she clearly isn't fit to look after my child.

I happily left my toddlers with her years back... it's one thing letting her know their favourite foods...but if I have to tell her to keep a hot drink out of reach...then there is a serious problem.

It then becomes my fault if my child comes to harm, knowing fully well my DM is incapable of caring for him safely. Think about that. You wouldn't leave your toddler with anyone else who was like this. Your mum should be no different ..and I have to say if it was my MIL, I wouldn't keep quiet. I'm respectful, but my child's safety would be priority. I don't blame your OH.

you're not being spoilt wanting the best safety for your child. You obviously want your mum to look after your child but are concerned, there is nothing wrong with that. When she had 3 children of her own she was younger etc. I think leaving hot drinks in a place that can be reached by a toddler with you there or not is totally unacceptable and very worrying. Even if you express your concerns will she remember in future?

I only left my dc with dm if my dad was also going to be there. She did manage to keep them alive.

Could you say that you really appreciate her offer, but actually what would be really helpful would be if she could spend time supporting you at yours for a couple of hours every other day etc. So she could hold baby and allow you to help DS settle and adjust and can make sure he still gets some attention just for him so he doesn't feel pushed out? That way she can just sit with baby, you and DS can interact and she can help you get into a routine with them both at home rather than taking him away from the family unit? Might be a middle ground where you get some help still.

You need to accept that this is who she and make alternative arrangements, waiting for her to be different has not been a successful strategy.

She doesn't have to prove herself to you.

If you don't want her having DC1, then just say so and arrange other childcare.

The only reason you're not doing this is your disinclination to say that to her, even though you're up for the far more difficult and potentially hurtful set of conversations about proving herself. You don't need that sort of stress, so just tell her (yes it will cause some fall out, but your other suggestion will cause more and worse; and probably still leave you needing to find alternative childcare anyhow)

God I couldn't risk it. Is there anyone else you can ask ??

Just tell the truth. If she gets offended, she gets offended.

Hi OP, I don’t have children yet but I imagine my mum would be the same, she is very chilled compared to me. When she visits, she constantly leaves our front door open or takes forever getting inside so our cats escape. No matter how many times I tell her, she just flaps and says I’m being dramatic I imagine I will face the same problems as you when we have a baby. I would personally just be brutal with her and if she isn’t happy with what you say, find someone else to have your child. If something happened you’d never forgive yourself xxx

Also, can you mum look after your DC at your house? Make sure it’s toddler proof (which I’m sure it is) and I’m sure you will relax more x

If you have no-one else you can ask to watch your DS, the only way it would probably work is if she comes to your house to look after your DS because you know it’s safe and you insist that if she has a hot drink she drinks it in the kitchen (either that or you take the kettle away). On that note I would also tell her she’s not to take your DS out of the house. The best you can hope for is a speedy normal delivery with a 6 hour discharge. Also after you’ve had the baby send DH home to check on DS until you’re ready to be discharged. You’re not being unreasonable at all as it appears she has absolutely no clue what a toddler is capable of destroying in a very short amount of time.

I sympathise with you OP.

I think nothing is going to change quickly. You need to start a dripping tap effect of change which will hopefully benefit your unborn child so by the time they are a toddler Grannie is safe.

There is no way to address this in the next week or so without it offending her.

You have to make alternative childcare arrangements.

Is MIL an option?
This isn't the time to be worrying about hurting feelings. Your son's safety is paramount. He is everything.

I agree with others here ,maybe she could come over to yours instead .You would be able to keep an eye out .Still need to oversee hot drinks etc, but your house may be more childproof?

You need to get childcare, and she can be the grandmother role rather than looking after him.

If you can’t trust her find someone else it’s not worth upsetting your Mum who is only doing her best

I had similar but fortunately my mum wasn't too fussed about looking after my small kids! I just made other arrangements.

Get her to come to you so visits take place in a safe environment. Find someone else to help for the birth, you cannot leave a child with an unreliable person just because she is the closest relative.

My MIL is like your mother. She isn’t allowed to be alone with DS.

Whatever you say you won’t change her so just find someone else to look after him . My inlaws were never allowed to take our dc out for much the same reasons we didn’t trust them to keep them safe .

Your examples really aren’t that bad. I’m sure your parenting will become a bit more laid back once you have a second baby.

Letting him wander off out of site in her house is hardly bad parenting. My 2 year old spends a lot of the time out of site in my house.

I think you need to relax a bit.

Any decent parent would never leave their child unsupervised with someone they cant trust to keep their child safe. You have concerns about your DM parenting skills yet you are actually considering leaving your child with her! OP pay for professional childcare and let your DC and your DM enjoy a loving relationship spending time together but 'supervised time' together.

You cannot tach someone to stop being easily distracted. Be honest with her and accept that she cannot watch your DC alone in our out of the house

You will need to make slyer she arrangements for labour.

Obviously her home isn't child proofed.

Can she watch DC at yours?

Or you can childproof a main area lounge room by removing breakables and things they can pull on themselves. Put up baby gates, etc.

That should keep DC from just wandering around, playing in the toilet water, and all the other fun things that age love to do.