My Wife left our family home

[Theboatisinthebarn]

I have been happily married to my wife for 26 years the last six months of our marriage had been really good we would eat out twice a week walk back to the car holding hands telling each other how much we loved each other. The only problem during this time she started texting a man at a local club we were members of. She told me she needed to go out occasionally in the evening's to party and drink. She did this a few times and ended up kissing this man. I got angry and said I would go down and have words with him. Anyway next day she left me and my 20 year old special needs son who can't go outside because of autism and PTSD.
She has cared for him and loved him so much also telling him she would never leave him.
Overnight she changed personality completely became selfish and obsessed with being young again. 1 week later she slept with this guy and told my Autistic son this who told me. She now has rented a flat in town for 6 months. I love my wife dearly and this is tearing me and my son apart.
Has anyone experienced this complete change of personality/midlife crisis. I would welcome comments as the best way to proceed. Yes I do want her back.

I think you need to stop being a mug and stop telling yourself that she's having a mental health episode.
When a man has a 'mid-life crisis' does he get treated with kid gloves and sympathy and have his behaviour excused by blaming it on mental health?

She's probably been wanting out of the marriage for years but didn't see any benefit to leaving - until she met a man who turned her on and pushed all the right buttons for her.

As for the money she's spending on a rental - how about you split your joint savings in half and transfer your share?
Cos she doesn't give a shit about the financial stress she's putting on any of you.

If you separate your finances NOW then it will actually help you and your dc in the long run.
You can apply for benefits as a single parent to help support you.

She needs to get a job and finance her new lease on life.
She has absolutely every right to put herself first finally - but not at the dc's expense.

I'd also speak to a solicitor and get some proper advice on ALL your options - that will make it easier for you to navigate your way through this with less stress.

I know you heart's breaking and you're in shock -but you need to think sensibly/logically here instead of allowing your emotions to rule you.

I feel so sad for you and your sons.
Your love for your wife and family is clear and you obviously put everyone before yourself.
Maybe she has had a breakdown and things will work out as you would like.
My husband had an emotional / sexting affair a few years ago and although I forgave him because I couldn't cope with 2 disabled DC I can't look at him the same way.
It's such a breach of trust and it takes a lot of love and strength to overcome.
Good luck to your family op.

This is a really horrible situation but I'm a big believer in tough love'. It could be that she thinks she can do whatever she wants because deep down, she knows you'll still be there waiting for her. A good friend of mine went through something similiar. His wife of 20+ years left him for an old boyfriend she reconnected with on Facebook. He was devastated but would still let her come home for the odd night when she felt like it. He pleaded with her to come back and she'd flirt with him for a while and then just flit between the two.

Eventually my friend pulled up the drawbridge, told her she was no longer welcome to stay at the family home, defriended her on social media and told her that if she wanted the other guy, he 'released' her to him. He wasn't playing games either. He'd just had enough of being used by someone who was having some kind of crisis.

The shock was instant. Friend's wife had suddenly lost her 'safety net' and suddenly began to experience the loss and grief. Within 6 months, she was back, they were in counselling and over 7 years later, you'd think it had never happened.

I'm not suggesting this is a good option for everyone but I do think form boundaries and removing yourself as the 'safety net' will quickly determine whether she really wants to be with you or not.

Thanks for these comments. I am thinking along these lines. I am also becoming more angry with this as the days go by. Letting someone I love walk all over me is pathetic.

I am so sorry.
I think she is overwhelmed with a burden of care.
I remember my ex said this 'now this time is for me'
He was depressed

If you were a woman, we'd be advising you to do what Smiling2019's friend did, and pull up the drawbridge. And see a solicitor for a free half hour consultation just to find out where you'd stand financially in the event that you don't get back together. Just because you're a man doesn't mean the advice should not be the same.

I’d cut off her finances right now

OP I am glad you are finding some strength. Keep going.

The overnight change in personality is really odd.

I'm not remotely making excuses for her, but the suddenness of this episode makes me wonder about a brain tumour. A tumour in the temporal lobe can lead to really sudden personality change (especially sudden loss of inhibition).

I've no idea how you could investigate that without her consent though.

I don’t have children with additional needs. But my Ex H left us for another women a few years ago now. I thought breakdown, midlife crisis, not enough loving from me, etc etc. Ultimately though he had an affair and had moved on. My advice to you is what got me through the period. Look after yourself and your sons. See a solicitor and sort out the accounts so that she cannot use your part of the savings. Concentrate on you and the boys. Treat her like an enemy at the moment she is not your wife or friend. Set the ground rules regarding when she sees your youngest. Be strong. It is tough. She doesn’t care anymore. My ex moved immediately into a one bed flat with OW about a 40 min drive away. He had no space for our kids to stay, he had no car to visit them but he had maid his bed.

I had considered this as a possibility she had been having pains in the back of her head weeks prior to leaving.

Had she ever indicated to you in any way that she wanted your son to go into residential care or for respite care to be involved?

If yes, what was your response?

No she did not want that under any circumstance.

Perhaps it's time for that choice to be taken out of her hands.

I have followed your advise. Regarding my self and the boys. I spoke to a solicitor last week as well.

I would not want to do that either. But I understand where you are comming from

I'm not excusing her at all, but is she going through the perimenopause? It can make some women behave very out of character. It can make you feel angry, and that anger can be directed at the person closest to you. So, you feel angry with your husband, and then someone comes along who makes you feel 25 again.

You must be devastated. She is only entitled to half your savings, so make sure that's all she gets!

Yes she was. But I did not know it could cause such a change in personality.