My Wife left our family home

[Theboatisinthebarn]

I have been happily married to my wife for 26 years the last six months of our marriage had been really good we would eat out twice a week walk back to the car holding hands telling each other how much we loved each other. The only problem during this time she started texting a man at a local club we were members of. She told me she needed to go out occasionally in the evening's to party and drink. She did this a few times and ended up kissing this man. I got angry and said I would go down and have words with him. Anyway next day she left me and my 20 year old special needs son who can't go outside because of autism and PTSD.
She has cared for him and loved him so much also telling him she would never leave him.
Overnight she changed personality completely became selfish and obsessed with being young again. 1 week later she slept with this guy and told my Autistic son this who told me. She now has rented a flat in town for 6 months. I love my wife dearly and this is tearing me and my son apart.
Has anyone experienced this complete change of personality/midlife crisis. I would welcome comments as the best way to proceed. Yes I do want her back.

Longer

I would take her back because this could be a serious mental illness and not a deliberate act.

Can I ask why you want your wife back? Is it because you love her or just can not see a way forward that you could manage on your own?

Ah I see.

These responses do piss me off. If this had been a wife posting about her husbands behaviour I am damn sure that nobody would be making excuses for his behaviour.

THIS THIS THIS

INFURIATING

you deserve better op
And so does your son

I would divorce her and leave her to it. Focus on your sons care and carry on treatment. Its understandable that she needs a break but why couldn't that be a holiday? Leaving the family home and cheating is selfish. I wouldn't let her come back. Don't let her use all the savings either, if she wants to move out she should support herself.

Thank you. What I would like to know if anyone else has experienced this and how they got threw it.

I think at the moment you've got to prioritise yourself and your son.

I suppose the next step depends on whether you'd take her back. She may return in a month or two with her tail between her legs asking for forgiveness, but she may very well stay away having now essentially absolved herself of carer duties. Depend if the relationship with the new fella works out or not.

I feel for you. In your position, I wouldn't want her back but I wouldn't criticise you if you did.

@DartmoorChef

These responses do piss me off. If this had been a wife posting about her husbands behaviour I am damn sure that nobody would be making excuses for his behaviour

You are 100% right. Has he offered to go to Counselling with her Like he's done something wrong.

Absolutely ridiculous and displaying double standards to the max

As has been asked DO you want her back because you can't manage on your own?

For what ever reason, she's opted out. She might have cracked and tbh that could go for either sex who's been caring for an autistic acrophobic adult. There aren't many people who could look into the future and handle seeing this as their life for ever.

You need to go onward as if this is the way it is. Whether she comes back or not.

In the meantime, cut her off financially if she still has access. She's made her bed and she can lie in it.

OP your concerns of a serious mental illness or hitting a wall would explain the need to get away for a period of time but it doesn’t excuse the cheating. You must find a way to carry on with treatment for your son. Is your wife planning on seeing your son at all? If so use the time to get support for your own mental health. I can understand how frightening this situation must be for you.

Really feel for you. No advice or experience to share. Look after yourself and your son.

My wife wants to see my son but he refuses to see her. And blocked her on phone. I agree it does not excuse the cheating. But 26 years of a great marriage changed in a blink of an eye.

I want her back because I love her deeply and am very concerned for her metal health. I can look after my son.With treatment he can lead a better life he has not always been this bad.

OP I have no experience of a marriage break up or how to begin to deal with it but there will be others that can help you with that part.

I don’t want to derail your thread as it’s not your original question but If you want to pm me and talk about autism and agoraphobia please do.

Just seen your last post! That’s fantastic that you feel able to support your son and know that things will not always be this way.

Thank you for your support. If I need advise I will pm you.

For what it’s worth I am in the same position as your wife was. Would I like to piss off to a flat on my own for 6 months, absolutely! The likelihood of me doing so is zero. Would I cheat on my DH to achieve this aim? Never.

I'm a mum of two disabled DC age 11 and 12.
I think DC1 will be able to live independently but with support, however DC2 will never be able to even be left alone for 5 minutes.
He is non verbal, has multiple disabilities and is a handful to say the least.
I actually ended up really sick with a brain stem bleed in the summer and the neurologist said I was not getting enough support and stress.
This was the cause in her opinion.
I am still really unwell 18 weeks on and can't look after myself or the DC , so husband is on leave from work ( civil service, so very understanding)
How ever even in my situation I think your wives behaviour is inexcusable.
If you did the same you'd be torn to pieces on this forum.
She's being selfish and unfaithful.
She could have said it was too much and she needed a break but to start a new relationship, move out and act the victim is too much.
Why do you want this woman in your life?
I agree she's probably had a mini breakdown but she should have gone to the GP for help and talked adult social care about some direct payments so she could have a break ( one that doesn't involve shagging another bloke )
Take care of yourself and your son.
See a lawyer and don't give her any money.
She's an adult with no dependants.
She can look after herself.
I'm so sorry for your son.

Thank you and I wish you and your family well.

I would take her back because this could be a serious mental illness and not a deliberate act.

Can you elaborate further? What MH illness are you concerned about (that can excuse/explain her actions)?

4 weeks ago my wife would have said the same as you but here I am.

The complete change of personality she has been a kind loving person for 26 years always putting everyone else first. Now completely selfish sleeping with someone else wanting to drink herself unconscious. Wanting everyone to look at her. Obsessed with the club she goes to. Always talking about how much alcohol she can consume on Facebook. Polar opposites in 1 day.

What a dreadful thing fir you to go through OP. I would be getting some legal advice as to where you stand & seeing if you can get some additional help with your son. She can’t just walk away Scot free, she has responsibilities however much she might not like it.

One thing I would say is that you keep saying she changed over night & threw everything away in the blink of an eye. My mother left my father after 24 years - he never saw it coming whereas I knew my mother had been miserable for years. It seems that you are focusing on it being a mad out of character moment as a way of minimising what she’s done. You shouldn’t - you don’t sleep with another man by accident. Don’t let her make excuses. If she was miserable she should have talked to you not banged avothef man

I have another son who still lives with us and he did not see this comming. Untill the day she left. She told me everyday she loved me. We were still having a full sex life and would fall asleep holding each others hands. If there was a problem how would I have known.

If in 4 weeks time I did have sex with another man my DH would still love me deeply but our marriage would be over. The most important thing is that you feel able to cope and support your son. In fact you come across as very capable.