Is he trying to isolate me?

[Whenisitenough2]

Last night my P made a comment about my mum. It was basically along the lines of I don't want your mum's views influencing yours and you been around her too much will mess with your judgement. Now like I said to him I'm a grown woman, I can think for myself and take things on under advisement should I see it relevant.

But now looking but I think who is he to say don't listen to my mum, don't spend time with her etc and left me thinking is he trying to isolate DD and I from her.

How long have you been with him?

A very red flag.

Not good.

“I don’t want your mum’s views influencing yours” - who the fuck does he think he is, the mind police? He wants to police what goes on in your head, what views you have?

Nope. Red flag.

Remind him you lived with her for x years and what's his plan for that?

He thinks you are so weak and easily led that you just do as your told by whoever spoke to you last. And he wants the person who tells you how to think, feel and act to always be him, not your mother.

This is a red flag.

I would be very concerned.

This is a bad sign. Can you step away?

There's not enough information to know. Isolating your partner is classic abusive behaviour but abusive behaviour is a pattern. Some people are enmeshed with their parents and, as many people who've complained about MILs will tell you, they can have a negative influence on your lives. Is she overbearing? Do you think she does influence you too much?

In the meantime, is your partner making criticisms about your friends, colleagues, other members of your family? Has he suggested moving away from your support network? Does he make it uncomfortable for your friends and family to visit your home? Does he kick up a fuss if you meet them or 'punish' you by acting out or the silent treatment?

Thanks for your replies.

PP, my mum isn't overbearing in the slightest. As far as she is concerned she has raised to adulthood and now my decisions are on me. If she has an opinion on something and she is asked she will give her view but that's like anyone.

Yes he has said before he doesn't want my sisters or mum influencing DD and wouldn't to live closer to them because of that. They're 46 miles away. I don't have a support network here and if we go to my mums he won't talk and then ask if I'm ready to leave after a couple of hours

He won't talk to your mum? And yet he doesn't want you to see her on your own (which is what he's saying, isn't it?)

Fk. I had one of them. You don't need a red flag, you need red bunting.

This doesn't sound good OP and well done for seeing it. What do you think you should do?

So he doesn’t want you to be around her much & be influenced by her, but.....
you should be mostly around him and influenced by him?
Red flag. Controlling & isolating.

Does your mum have a spare room? Sounds like you need it.

Yes red flag OP but what is his rationale? Your judgement on what? The only reason I can imagine that flying is if your family were racist/sexist or bigoted in some other way. If it's nothing like that then of course it is off.

What's he like otherwise?

@OhioOhioOhio what's the difference with red bunting?

@12345kbm I need to leave. Because if not when will it stop. He has in the past deliberately done things to piss me off and grind me down in the past if it done it again he may be able to start those controlling actions.

I wish everyone was as level headed and sensible as you. Do you need any advice on that or do you think you can take it from here now your fears have been validated?

@dontgobaconmyheart, oh gosh no not anything like that. I'm half Jamaican, our daughter is part Pakistani, my two younger sisters are gay. It anything he'd be more likely to be that as he has said he would discourage dd is she were gay.

No it was just about childcare. P wants DD to go to nursery earlier because he wants me to keep on top of house work, he also says got dd development but she goes to playgroups and is very social.

Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Red bunting was a poor joke I guess. He's showing you who he is. A rude pig, happy to suck away the joy and watch you, forced to cope with him.

Omg. I lived like that for years. It's wonderful not having to look at his miserable face anymore.

Well, he sure sounds like a nasty waste of time.

Your choice to stay with someone you know to be an awful oppressive force for bad.

Not good for your kids to stick around modelling a relationship with someone like that.

You don’t mention your partner being experienced or qualified professionally to diagnose disabilities or delays or problems.
My guess is this is another thing he wants to control.

He is rude to your mother in her own house. Holy crap. What a rude obnoxious person. I'm surprised you allow him to visit there with you. I wouldn't bring someone to my mum's house if I knew they were going to be dick to her.

I can't believe he suggested you pay for childcare so you can spend more time being a cheap housekeeper and someone else would do a better job of raising them anyway. Rude. Demeaning. Get a nursery place, a cleaner, a job, your own money.

He wants you to “keep on top of the housework”!

I wouldn’t be happy at all. Buy him a pack of dusters as a leaving present

I wouldn't put up with this. Yes, he's trying to isolate and control you. I would dump anyone who was rude to my mother. Good on you for spotting his abusive behaviour. Make a plan and get away.

Your further updates are not good OP
He sounds absolutely awful
You are so right that you do need to leave.
You need to make a plan and do not tell him anything about it.
You need to be 100% sure that you will not ever go back.

To make matters worse when mil makes comments like 'how dark is he' when p said he worked with a Somalian. Just made this comment today.