Feel angry and upset by this comment - but am I being unfair?

[WhateverEmily]

Context - 30 and single, dating, want a family and my younger brother just got engaged to his childhood sweetheart. Parents know I’d love to be married and settled, but equally I’m not willing to just settle.

Basically, sat with my mum talking at a family dinner and she starts telling me that her and my dad really liked my ex boyfriend from uni who she knows now lives in America. I’ve not seen him in about 10 years! I just nodded and didn’t really respond - it was clear I didn’t want to discuss this and she’s done it in the past and it’s caused a row, so I’m not sure why she continues to do it. She asked if I talked with him anymore, I said no. She then gets my dad involved and said ‘(dad’s name) we were saying the other night how great he was weren’t we. We liked him. He’s an adult now, he’s probably very mature.’

Again I didn’t say much. Then she pauses and says in this pitying tone ‘it’s a shame you let him go you know.’

I just felt shit after that comment. Like she thought that was it for me now or something? Or there’s nothing better now? Or that she pities me.

Am I being unfair to feel so angry and upset by this comment? I feel gutted by it and no idea if it’s just me or was she being a bit shit saying that? I can’t imagine a friend saying it!

Also there’s literally never been an occasion where I’ve said I wish I was back with this ex - it was years ago and I never even really think of the relationship let alone wish I was stil in it.

I’m sure it wasn’t meant to make you feel that way. It was a bit tactless but I suspect she really meant that you can meet great people, you’ve done it before and you will again.

I don’t read it like that at all. If that’s what she meant surely that’s what she’d have said?

It's strange that my mother has another family I don't know about, I don't know where she gets the time. She does that stuff to you too huh?

Next time, just as she's saying how great he is, tell her that you split up because he said she made a pass at him :-)

I’m sure it wasn’t meant to make you feel that way.

You've not met my mother.

Yeah that’s not nice. Not nice if you’re feeling a bit sad that it’s not happening for you yet or if you’re happy as you are.
Mums say some stupid shit.

I would say something like, “Well he’d was a nice guy but he was shit in bed,” just to shut her down.

Or tell her he hated her and your Dad and made you choose, so you being single is basically her fault anyway.

Your mum sounds extremely irritating OP: you’re only 30 for goodness sake.

The last comment is the bit that got to me. I feel so upset by it.

I remember my parents making me feel anxious in my late 20s that I hadn't started having children and then when I was pregnant with my 4th in my 30s they suggested an abortion (in a roundabout way). I know they just want the best for me but it does make you feel a bit shitty.

Don't let them make you feel anxious. You're still very young and definitely do not settle. But they're probably just wanting to make sure (very clumsily) that you end up having a family with someone nice.

I know. It’s cruel though, we were supposed to he having a nice dinner. I asked her to stop and she carries on. I was happily getting on with life and she put a bulldozer through it saying something like that.

Unfortunately parents can forget that your a human being with feelings. What she said was completely tactless.
It may of course mean that she is aware of how you might be feeling about your brother becoming engaged. Either way please don’t take it to heart, you will meet the right one and have a wonderful life.

Mother's aren't friends. We are mothers. We are usually worried about dc and bc we are not friends, you have not confided in us so we talk about what little you have told us.

I am certain my dc think I am terrible; they tell me that I am. But I do my best and I only want them to be happy.

Oddly, I have discovered that parents are just people who have dc; not people who are unusually wise. I am accused of being pretty stupid sometimes by dc but my friends think that I am nice and smart.

Occasionally I cry out of frustration bc I truly do not know what I can say that will not create hurt feelings. And if I keep quiet, I am terrible too.

Your mother was probably just trying. Some people are nasty. But if she is not, forgive her. It will make you both feel better. We do the best we can with what little we have.

Little bit precious? No?

Read these boards for real problems.

It's certainly goading on DMS part.
Maybe she's hoping you've met someone else and you can tell her something she'd love to hear. Strange way to go about it for sure.

Some mothers are still convinced that if their DD isn't married and ready to produce grandchildren by 25 then they have missed the boat and it won't happen. I had this with my own mother and stupidly allowed her to push me into accepting a proposal which I had huge doubts about. I'm currently getting a divorce.
Your mum is probably idolising the boyfriend from 10 years ago because he is the one who would have been most acceptable to her as the father of her grandchildren. She isn't taking into account that you need to be in the right relationship to settle down, she is seeing it from the point of view that you are 30 so you should have just married the first half decent bloke you got involved with.
I think you need to be straight with her and say that while you would love to settle down and have a family one day, you aren't going to compromise and do that with the wrong man. The ex from your uni days was not the right man. I know plenty of women who have had babies well into their 40's. Time is still on your side. Don't allow your mum to bully you into a relationship with someone who isn't right for you just because she wants you to be married to a walking sperm donor.
It's so hard when your parents have expectations for you like this. Stay true to yourself.

My DMIL was a stirrer like this. Knowing most people would like to meet the person of their dreams to live happily ever after with going on about past relationships is a bit passive aggressive imv. Sort of criticising even though it's often something you have no control over.
Also she wanted DGCs so it was actually all about her.

Your mother is very irritating. What a goady thing to say. Time to start standing up to her. Next time she says something like that say “is it ok if we stop talking about him. You bring him up a lot and the main reason I dumped him is that he hated you and used to rip the piss out of you all the time. Not a nice person” said whilst staring directly at her. That should shut her up.

This is the perfect occasion for the killer question turned back on her:

“Whay would you say that, mother?"

Puzzled look, one raised eyebrow, calm and interested to hear her justification. I think I will call it the Teflon question because it makes everything run off you and drip back onto the offending commenter. Repeat with any excuses.

" But why would you say/ask that?"

Variation is chow interesting - why would you say that? "

It’s annoying but I wouldn’t let it get to you this much. You’re probably a bit sensitive to comments like this at the moment because your brother is getting married. I know it’s highly annoying though when you’re single and would like to meet someone and you get irritating comments from family, as if it’s your fault. If she mentions him again just state clearly what you’ve said here - that you never think about him and he wasn’t the right one for you, end of story. Absolutely do not settle. I ended up settling for someone my parents liked etc even though I had doubts, I even broke it off at one point and my mum made me feel terrible about it, about how much it had upset her and my dad! So I got back together with him, we’ve been married for a few years now and I’m unhappy. I shouldn’t have gone back because I knew in my heart he wasn’t the one for me but I was trying to please others. Don’t make my mistake.

I think you're being a bit sensitive (given the fact you highlighted your brother has gotten engaged).

Just shut her down next time.

She was being ridiculous, insensitive and a bit dim.

I get you OP. It’s the tone, the pitying, continually bringing up topics that you’ve asked not to bring up. Is she used to whinging to your father by any chance to get her own way? My mother is used to getting her way.

Upon reflection - She also coerced me to break up with my first serious “adult in love” boyfriend (or not a high school romance) who I loved deeply. Bought me a round the world trip & everything. Now she cracks the dads because due to life experience I am now childfree. She is so disappointed in me that I won’t give her grandchildren & says my brother having kids isn’t the same as her daughter making her a grandmother - go figure. I think it’s quite funny karma because he is the only one I look back on & know he was the one that got away. I would have had his children, he is a big family man. Had she not meddled in my life she would have what she actually wanted

I only realised she broke us up when she made an offhand comment about him many years later. I mentioned him & how he was my one that got away & she said “him? I never thought he’d amount to much. I can’t remember you even liking him that much!”

Her memory is seriously skewed. A mother who actually knew her daughter would know how deeply I loved him. Sucks to be her! She is constantly putting & disappointed in people.

Be happy in that you are a different kind of person to your mother & would never judge a woman on their marital status & pity other women for living a different life to yourself !

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I did stand up to her and said I thought she was being a shit mother - cue a row between us and my dad telling me to shut up as they’d be dead soon and they wanted to enjoy their night.

We got on with the evening and it was sort of forgotten by me and my mum.

Later my mum text me when I’d got home and asked if I was ok as I’d apparently seemed short with her. I said not really, that her comments had upset me and reminded her how often she does it and how it causes upset every time so now it feels deliberate. She said sorry and that she’d think more in future. This is highly unusual for my mum. She never apologises ever. She did add that I should think about my recently bereaved friend who’s mum had died 🤔

Anyway maybe she did get she’d hurt me. It’s just a long list in things she’s said so it wears thin and my patience is at rock bottom with it.

For context, parents are 56 and 60.

I honestly don’t know why parents of grown up children can’t just mind their own business. It’s not an adults job to please their parents, so why this desire for control persists once children are grown up is something I will just never understand.

All you have to do is engage with your adult children in a respectful equal way and not be judgemental or rude. It’s not difficult.