Feel angry and upset by this comment - but am I being unfair?

[WhateverEmily]

Context - 30 and single, dating, want a family and my younger brother just got engaged to his childhood sweetheart. Parents know I’d love to be married and settled, but equally I’m not willing to just settle.

Basically, sat with my mum talking at a family dinner and she starts telling me that her and my dad really liked my ex boyfriend from uni who she knows now lives in America. I’ve not seen him in about 10 years! I just nodded and didn’t really respond - it was clear I didn’t want to discuss this and she’s done it in the past and it’s caused a row, so I’m not sure why she continues to do it. She asked if I talked with him anymore, I said no. She then gets my dad involved and said ‘(dad’s name) we were saying the other night how great he was weren’t we. We liked him. He’s an adult now, he’s probably very mature.’

Again I didn’t say much. Then she pauses and says in this pitying tone ‘it’s a shame you let him go you know.’

I just felt shit after that comment. Like she thought that was it for me now or something? Or there’s nothing better now? Or that she pities me.

Am I being unfair to feel so angry and upset by this comment? I feel gutted by it and no idea if it’s just me or was she being a bit shit saying that? I can’t imagine a friend saying it!

Well unless they are sick they wont die soon so being rude and saying we will die soon is pathetic

Saying about YOU let this guy get away? I'm assuming the break up was for a reason remind yourself people are a lesson or s blessing sometimes it's a blessing when they come into your life other times it's a blessing when the leave 🤔

My mom does this too and she is older she just recently asked me about my ex I said he had just married wife number three I believe fortunately my mom knows me so just said ahhh likes wedding cake then

I tried to tell my mum years ago that this particular ex is now in an open relationship with no desire to be married. Just another reason why I wouldn’t want to be with him!

The comments about their upcoming death are constant from my dad if anyone tries to defend themselves, including my brother

Did they really say they’d be dead soon when they are late 50s and 60?

Do they think misery kills you?

Obviously it was a dumb thing of your mother to say and you sound as though there is a string history that makes you believe it was intended.
It’s sounds too like the really upsetting but is she knows that this is an issue for you.
I know it sounds trite but I’d try and stop wasting energy being angry at her and try and figure out how to be happier about where your life is right now.
Whilst you want to be married and have a family you haven’t found a partner that makes that choice possible so you need to focus on the life you are living and what you enjoy about it. What if you never meet someone you like - what are your choices? Will you choose to be single, do you want to have a child alone?
Maybe think these things through rather than waiting. It would make you much more able to withstand your parents judgement if you’re happy with your life plan

That’s the whole point... whilst I want a relationship I’m also happy as I am!!!

I arrived at the dinner very happy, chatty, totally fine.

Then the comments begin.

And yes the dead comments are a regularity from my dad if there’s ever a row where we’ve stood up for ourselves

I think you're being oversensitive. She's a family member, of course she's allowed to talk to you about your personal life. Sheesh. Though on MN, this will probably be called toxic in 3, 2, 1...

Not sure her comments constitute talking about my personal life. If she took a genuine interest in my personal life she’d acknowledge that I have no desire to even think about this man and I’m happy and dating.

I know this isn't AIBU but YANBU. Your parents sound annoying (the comments about your ex) and manipulative (the comments about them dying).

If she mentions your ex again, sigh loudly and say "oh for fuck's sake, not this AGAIN?".

blackswan I have done that in the past too.

It’s ignored because she doesn’t care about my feelings or is too stupid to realise what she’s doing. Sadly I don’t think it’s the latter

But it's just annoying! Sometimes parents are annoying. Jeez! I bet you annoy them too.

No not just annoying. Really hurtful. I feel pitied and small each time she does it.

You clearly don't like your parents or get on with them ... I would distance yourself from them if you feel that strongly. I have a daughter in her 30s and a son late 20s and we don't always see eye to eye but I would never ever criticize them on an open forum like mumsnet.

Yes, annoying things are hurtful. It's a minor thing that you don't like. There's really no need for this level of drama.

Funny to see the defensive DMs here reasserting their entitlement to hurt other people because they happened to come out of them many years previously.

@StreetwiseHercules No-one is condoning abuse. But this is just mildly annoying behaviour, of the type that families put up with because nobody's bloody perfect.

Yes we do tend to be more ‘familiar’ with those we know intimately, like immediate family...and therefore the pleasantries are sometimes dispensed with.

We don’t treat our very nearest and dearest like a colleague with a polite enquiry...and that works both ways.

These people saying YABU - either you must not have much experience with a passive aggressive parent who sees you as an extension of themselves or you are that parent who thinks they have the right to make whatever comments you like about your child, no matter how much it may hurt/offend/upset them. People who don’t have a parent like this might not be able to see the underlying hidden barbs hidden in the words of someone who acts like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth - when you’ve been there you know. OP I believe you 100%

Your dad sounds like the enabler who just wants everyone to keep the peace. Your mother’s comment after her apology about your friend’s mum dying is manipulative & passive aggressive. It diluted her apology.

The only way to win with these types is to

1. Smile sweetly & ignore them like water off a duck’s back
2. start acting confused & Say she may have early onset Alzheimer’s as she keeps repeating herself & forgetting
3. Be underhandly cruel back by creating a funny yet insulting name you can tease her with every time she acts up like this. I called mine “smother” lol

See...I’d expect you to respond, “Oh bog off mum” or whatever...and get her told. The familiarity and acceptance within immediate family facilitates this.

The reason for 3 is these people have a very fragile ego. Find what it is that is her weakness. My mother would despise being thought of as old & frail or a silly old coot! Your mum seems to like that image so her weakness will be different.

Sorry WhateverEmily
It is hurtful and it is unnecessary. I assumed it was hurtful because it touched a nerve but if you are happy with life it’s probably more that you know they’re judging you and trying to make you feel crappy. There’s an arrogance involved too as they clearly see their idea of what your life should be like as more important than your own choices

It a very odd mindset and the idea that they are both sailing into near death, old age is bizarre. I can’t understand two people embracing old age when they are still far from it.

I’m sorry it’s upsettting. Id try incredibly hard to be as positive and dignified as I could when I was with them and not rise to the negativity.

Sounds like emotional blackmail. I'd be seeing less of them if it were me.