Did anyone else have passive parents?

[namechange2311]

I was chatting with friends about various childhood things and how our parents parented us and what we would do differently, etc and I realised how passive my parents were and I was just wondering whether anyone else's parents were like this and, if so, do you think it has impacted you as a person or as a parent?

It was quite busy growing up. I was the eldest of five with two younger brothers and two younger sisters. One of my brothers and one sister both have autism so took up a lot of my parents' time and energy. We were poor. I remember being stressed when at aged 7 my DM told me she was pregnant with my youngest sibling as I was worried about money. I say all of this because I completely understand how stressful it must have all been and I do not fault my parents at all I am just trying to get perspective.

In terms of passivity, I had no strict routine growing up. I would go to bed late in primary school (9:30pm-10pm), I wouldn't brush my teeth or wash my face, etc (although my DM did do my hair in neat plaits everyday of primary school). My lunch box was always filthy and smelt badly so I remember at primary school sometimes skipping lunch entirely as I couldn't stomach getting my sandwich out of it and eating it. We had to use reusable water bottles in class and mine was never washed so smelt mouldy so I wouldn't drink from it. I was a goody two shoes and I remember my teacher in year 2 telling me off in front of my class as I had not handed in any homework for the whole term as I hadn't realised I had to hand it back in and I burst into tears. We never went to parks and if we drove past one we would get told off if we asked to stop and go to the park, we would get told off for saying we were hungry even if we had been out all day and hadn't had lunch, etc.

As a teenager it was similar. My parents did not care whether I did my homework or revised for my GCSEs. I was conscientious so did revise. Now I am 22. I find I am always having to remind my parents to parent my younger siblings. For example, telling my younger siblings that they should revise for GCSEs as getting a GCSE in maths and english will help them in later life. Or when my younger sister was unhappy at sixth form I had to tell my parents to go and speak to her and figure out what was wrong and to encourage her to email her tutor rather than just do nothing, even though she is 17 she still needs them to parent her. All things I had to figure out myself at their age. Even when I graduated university, I got cards from extended family, flowers and even a few gifts. My parents didn't get me anything nor do anything to mark the occasion. If any of my younger siblings eventually go to university, on their graduation days I will be telling my parents to make an effort - plan a meal with all the extended family, buy some type of keep sake gift or flowers and a card, etc.

I get on really well with my parents as an adult and always viewed their parenting as very relaxed and felt I had a good childhood. It was only when talking with friends I just thought hmm I would do things differently myself now. I am also quite passive with myself as a young adult for example I don't eat lunch I just eat crisps and chocolate.

My mum called it benign neglect.

Not quite to the same level and maybe for me it was the era I grew up the 1970s.

My mum rarely picked me from school from Reception age. St age 4 I walked 15 minutes hone across a busy high street and fields.
My parents would go to pubs and leave me and my siblings locked in the car in the car park. Sometimes we'd go to A pub with a children's room where we would be left with a load of other abandoned kids aged from 2 to about 14. We liked this though as we usually had s glass bottle of coke and a packet of salt n shake crisps to share.
By today's standards I think social services would be involved and im sure other oarents would report it but I think back in my childhood it's just how kids were treated.

I wouldn’t say they were passive, that’s too kind. I would say they were neglectful and lazy.

Sorry you had that OP

How old is your youngest sibling?

They weren't passive they we're neglectful.

I would pretend someone would make me brush my teeth 🤷🏻‍♀️ because I heard it's a thing parents should be strict about and nobody checked id brushed my teeth.

I would of been allowed to do anything I wanted as a teenager...as a result I stayed in my room most of the time and didn't do many things until I was a bit older. I did meet friends off of the internet at 16 though in London.

Same as you, OP my mum has no input on my school work or GCSE's at all. I'm quite self driven thankfully and that's helped me get a degree with the OU. I absolutely craved some input or care about what I was doing though even if it was pretend!

I was also allowed to just be off school at will. There was very little parental input on my life as a whole tbh. This results in a very fractured relationship with my mother who is just in denial about the whole thing. She still shows little interest but I'm expected to show lots in hers!

I'm sorry to say this, Namechange, but I agree with PP.

Your parents weren't passive. Their parenting style wasn't relaxed. They were lazy, had poor hygiene standards and showed no interest in your basic wellbeing (such as telling you off for saying you were hungry when you hadn't been given any lunch). They showed no interest in your education or development.

In other words, they neglected you. They are neglecting your siblings now.

Quite frankly, you deserved better. Your siblings deserve better.

Similar experience here OP, I don’t think I can ever remember being told to brush my teeth, made my own lunch or I wouldn’t have any etc. I would still class my childhood as good but I remember some stand out occasions. I got really upset once in primary school at the amount of homework because I had to cook 2 different meals when I went home each day to an empty house.
Parents were never interested in us as kids and they had 4. I remember my mother talking about how she refused to go to any parent teacher meetings because ‘one of the teachers smelled’. I mean what adult uses this as an excuse. I also became very good at covering for them, lying about them being home taking care of us when they were out. Lying about forgetting my lunch when there was none. Lots more like that too. I moved out within weeks of finishing school. Couldn’t wait to get away. I do carry some guilt about this as it had some lasting consequences for my siblings but at the time I didn’t see it. When I hear my mother talk these days about her grandkids I’m gob smacked, if she was only half as concerned about her own kids things could of been different. Its like she remembers a different past entirely. I was angry for years in my early 20s but I decided carrying that only hurt me so I’ve let it all go and I bite my tough these days. Harping on about it won’t change what happened.
We have a good relationship as adults and I’m glad I’ve been able to do this.

Sounds a bit like my childhood OP, except my mother was very keen that I get good school results so I could have the ‘proper career’ she resented not having. There were some nice times where I felt loved but the care I needed was lacking. If I didn’t bath or brush my teeth, it would go unnoticed for a long time.
As an adult, she is so passive that she doesn’t make the effort to call or visit me so I have to be the one to do it or I don’t see or hear from her. My emotional needs were ignored as a child so I guess this is just a continuation of this.

That sounds pretty neglectful you me. But you sound like you have you head screwed on despite all of that.

My mum was similar in lots of ways. My biggest issue with my upbringing is they never encouraged hobbies which I think had a lasting effect on my social skills as an adult. I don’t really know how to be around new people or make friends. They always blame me saying I was never interested which isn’t true, I would have loved to have taken ballet or played a team sport. I was captain of the netball team in school and this was completely new information to them when I informed them recently. My mum was also lacking in maternal instincts and never hugged or comforted me and my brothers as kids. This has lead us to all be quite closed off cold negative and sarcastic people I believe. She never bought me clothes so I lived in hand me down football shirts from my brothers, this was in the 90’s so not that long ago. This wasn’t through lack of money, just laziness. I just remember never having any encouragement socially or academically and feeling very isolated as a child.

I can relate to this too. Just lately I have been thinking the same kind of things. Although I would say I had a generally good childhood. We moved in with my grandparents when my parents divorced so they effectively brought me up, whilst my Mum worked. She did a 9-5 office job but from the way she talked you’d think she was in a high powered pressured job. She talks of how it was difficult being a single parent and having to work! I often think there is no way she would cope with my life.
My Mum never really did things with me, didn’t take any notice of homework and didn’t encourage my education whatsoever. In fact I did rubbish at my exams.
She never made me a packed lunch for school (but my Nanmade her lunch every day) so I was given money. All my friends took packed lunch so because I didn’t want to sit on my own I would buy crisps and chocolate bars from the tuck shop. I don’t think she ever knew.
Recently, whilst generally chatting and she said that Saturdays were ‘her’ days as she did the chores on Sunday (I went to my Dad’s on Sundays).
She never encouraged hobbies although my DNan used to take me to dancing lessons as this is what she liked (&DNan paid).
She even says to my DH now about what a difficult child I was! I truly wasn’t.
I guess more so now that I have my own DD I see that I do so much more for her then my Mum did for me and I kind of do feel a bit sad about it. It was like I was more in the way/an inconvenience to her rather than a celebrated child.
Needless to say we are not that close. I live 2 hours from her and she visits now and again. I really look forward to her coming but after a few days I look forward to her leaving. She is very opinionated and critical. If things aren’t done her way, it’s wrong.
I think if we saw more of each other we would have fell out by now.

Were any of you pulled out of school to watch younger siblings and didn't get a chance to finish school?

My mum swung between 2 extremes. She never encouraged any of us to do anything other than get married and have babies.
She was a very jealous person.
She admitted much later in life, she didn't really want children but it was just expected.
Didn't help or look at homework, never came to see anything I was in. Didn't go to any of my uni graduations.

My dad worked a lot but I felt he was the only one who took an interest in me and taught me things. Thankfully I'm more like him.

Sometimes we'd go to A pub with a children's room where we would be left with a load of other abandoned kids aged from 2 to about 14. We liked this though as we usually had s glass bottle of coke and a packet of salt n shake crisps to share.
That’s not neglect! That’s normal in our village. There’s nothing else to do. Parents can have a few. It doesn’t mean they’re legless. Toddle off home at 9 and everyone’s happy.

In fact, our beer garden has a kids playground and a basketball hoop.

Your parents sound neglectful not passive. Mouldy water bottles and no lunch is not passive.

My parents were very passive but I always had food and everything was clean. One of the impacts I'm most annoyed about is my teeth. They were all fillings and crowns by the time I was 25. My daughter wont brush her teeth when she stays with granny and mum says my daughter understands the consequences so she doesn't make her brush them. My daughter is 6. Of course she doesn't understand the consequences.

I am very driven so got a degree and good job but I had some problems at school related to my sister where my parents should have stepped in but it never crossed their mind. I had no boundaries for when I went out or where as a teenager. Even bringing boyfriends home and sleeping in my room.

I make sure my kids brush their teeth twice a day and am a very hands on parent. I just wish I had better teeth.

This is a really sad thread

I can relate to that too.
I grew up in a large poverty stricken council estate and was feral from the age of 3. I was allowed to roam freely, joining groups of older children and wandering off with them for hours, somehow finding my way home when I was hungry or injured.
My mother's reasoning was that all the parent dis this - which was mostly true, but I also saw lots of accidents. We played in thhe dust from abandoned asbestos piles, made fires. Older teenagers would "charge" us pieces of broken glass to be allowed to use the slide.
As a 4 year old I was put in charge of my neighbour's 2 year old child, I lost count of the accidents she had, gashed her leg- needing ull stitches, fractured her skull fallin from a wall, wewere both hit by cars. I remember feeling so awful that I couldn't seem to keep her safe- but I was 4!
I question my mother about it, but she brushes it off " you survived" or " "everyone else did it". Neither of which makes it OK.

This is so sad. I’m sorry, but your parents weren’t just passive, they were neglectful. Making sure your children are fed and have a clean lunchbox is basic stuff.

I can identify with this. My parents were very passive - no bed times, no boundaries., no checking I had done my homework. If I had an issue at school I didn't mention it as they wouldn't do anything. I created my own structure and boundaries and ended up at Oxbridge followed by a glittering career. But I have control and trust issues that I've had therapy for.

Wow thank you for all your responses. I already feel better knowing that you have acknowledged that some of the things in my childhood were not perfect. I expected to be told to just let it go and move on. However, I feel that I have to defend my parents as I think the examples I gave may have painted a worse picture than I intended to.

They would never have put us in any danger. I was never left alone with my siblings to watch them and my parents were very protective over me and my siblings and would not let us play out until I was 11 and as a teenager they would rather drive me and my friends to where ever we wanted to go rather than let us have to get the train and walk in the dark, even if it was like a 1 hour drive to go shopping in the city centre. I was lucky as my DM was a SAHM and my DF worked from home so I always had parents around for things like school assemblies, parents evenings, school plays, etc. They never told us off, luckily we are all conscientious anyway so have turned out ok. We wanted for nothing even though money was really tight, if we wanted a particular toy for Christmas they would get it for us no matter what. We had good attendance at school.

I think everything I have complained about in the OP is understandable when you think of how stressful it must have been to have five children. It just occurred through the stress of worrying about money, dealing with my autistic siblings meltdowns and arguments and the general stress and chaos of a large family. Now that we are all adults, it still seems chaotic and sometimes I see my parents getting stressed over little things and I feel like they struggle to deal with stress without getting overwhelmed.

I just feel like it is the little things I wish they had done with us. For example, baking, reading to us, enforcing a routine. When I was a teenager I did those things for my younger siblings like I remember baking biscuits and cakes with them and making a little Christmas party for them to celebrate the last day of school before Christmas. I always thought I did this because when I was a teenager I always wanted to work with children so I thought I just enjoyed it (which I did), but I do think I have almost become a third parent (which I guess isn't unusual for the oldest daughter in a large family) albeit the things I did were the "fun" things that my parents didn't have on their radar to do as they were too worried about actual life stresses. I wish they would have made me join a hobby and pushed me to do it even if I didn't want to as I was such a shy child. My childhood best friend's DM always left little notes in her lunch box and always made sure she planned activities on weekends and holidays for her children and made sure they socialised a lot, she made them all invite a friend round for dinner every Friday and half-terms were filled with taking friends swimming, to the cinema, etc. I loved going to her house. However, in turn, my childhood best friend loved coming to my house as it was more easygoing. Recent threads on how to make Christmas special for children are surprising to me that that is something that some parents consciously try and do, I cannot remember ever believing in Father Christmas. One of the things which I just remembered is when I was 11 my grandma was very ill and very depressed in hospital and my parents would visit her nearly everyday and they would alternate between them and I would go with whichever parent was going that day which meant I was going nearly everyday after-school and on weekends. They didn't think that maybe a 11 year old, coping with having just started secondary school and just well being an 11 year old child should perhaps be protected from that. Some of the things I heard my depressed, hopeless grandma stay were things I wouldn't have wanted to hear as an adult. It was only when my Auntie mentioned to my parents that this was too stressful for a child to see and deal with that my parents stopped me going. Don't get me wrong, I loved my grandma and wanted to go but they should have limited it and protected me from it a bit.

Since I became around 16-ish the dynamic with my DF has changed and I feel like I nearly parent him now. He had a horrible childhood. He suffers from depression and I remember when I was maybe 16 having to try and comfort him as his depression was really bad and he was struggling a lot. It was awful and terrifying.

I just wonder what the implications these things would have on me as an adult and what I need to work on. I do struggle with enforcing rules on myself, for example I will often skip lunch and just eat crisps even though I know that is lazy and bad. I also struggle with having autonomy as an adult and cannot put myself in situations outside of my comfort zone. For example, I could go to university as education was in my comfort zone, and when forced to as part of the course requirements I could give presentations, run seminars, etc. However, I struggle to force myself to do things even though I know I am capable. For example, at the moment I am struggling to motivate myself to start applying for a new job in my field as I am scared of being interviewed. However other things I am very strict with myself about, for example anything to do with work or university gets done with a lot of effort. However quite often when I am feeling down I slip into bad habits, having PJ days where I don't even brush my hair and just eating crisps all day. I feel like I need to learn to parent myself as an adult and force myself to do things, like even if I am feeling tired and down I still need to get dressed into comfy clothes and do my normal morning routines.

My mum called it benign neglect.

This.
Google also childhood emotional neglect.
I'd be surprised if there wasn't medical neglect in there somewhere too.

At some point, for your own health and wellbeing, you will need to step away and leave them to it. It's not your job to parent your siblings and it most certainly is not your responsibility to parent your own parents.

Google also "parentification"

It's a form of child abuse. Highly damaging.

Or maybe this 'neglect' has resulted in you being more self resourceful?

Thank you for all the responses, there are so many I will try and reply to everyone but sorry if I miss you but just know I really appreciate everyone's comments.

@Havaina we are all adults now.

@SingingLily It was more my DF telling us off for being hungry. My DM would make him get us some food but as money was tight we couldn't go into a cafe or restaurant so would usually get chocolate bars from the garage to eat. They should have prepared packed lunches but just didn't. My DF just didn't seem to realise that children get hungry and get bored standing around watching his hobby.

@CantstandmLMs Yes, sometimes I wish they showed an interest in what I do. My DM knows the basics but she never asks about things whereas my DF I don't even even knows what my degree is in. I used to think it was because hearing about things like my school and university work was boring but I always asked my younger siblings about their a-levels or college courses and now their jobs as I genuinely find it interesting as their fields are very different from mine.

@Astella22 I also get on well with my parents still. I still live at home and I think I am still needed at home as even though all my siblings are adults it just seems like there is a lot to deal with at home that I can help out with. I am not really angry about my childhood but just considering it. My life-long best friend (pretty much a sister to me) has a child and she brings her to our house a lot and my DM and DF are so different interacting with her, they do painting with her and to the park with her. I think they will be excellent as grandparents.

@RantyAnty No not at all, we all attended school. I was never left to look after my siblings until I was maybe 16 and even then it would have only been for an hour here and there. But yeah, I think my DM hates that none of her children have children yet even though we are all 18-23 years old.