Did anyone else have passive parents?

[namechange2311]

I was chatting with friends about various childhood things and how our parents parented us and what we would do differently, etc and I realised how passive my parents were and I was just wondering whether anyone else's parents were like this and, if so, do you think it has impacted you as a person or as a parent?

It was quite busy growing up. I was the eldest of five with two younger brothers and two younger sisters. One of my brothers and one sister both have autism so took up a lot of my parents' time and energy. We were poor. I remember being stressed when at aged 7 my DM told me she was pregnant with my youngest sibling as I was worried about money. I say all of this because I completely understand how stressful it must have all been and I do not fault my parents at all I am just trying to get perspective.

In terms of passivity, I had no strict routine growing up. I would go to bed late in primary school (9:30pm-10pm), I wouldn't brush my teeth or wash my face, etc (although my DM did do my hair in neat plaits everyday of primary school). My lunch box was always filthy and smelt badly so I remember at primary school sometimes skipping lunch entirely as I couldn't stomach getting my sandwich out of it and eating it. We had to use reusable water bottles in class and mine was never washed so smelt mouldy so I wouldn't drink from it. I was a goody two shoes and I remember my teacher in year 2 telling me off in front of my class as I had not handed in any homework for the whole term as I hadn't realised I had to hand it back in and I burst into tears. We never went to parks and if we drove past one we would get told off if we asked to stop and go to the park, we would get told off for saying we were hungry even if we had been out all day and hadn't had lunch, etc.

As a teenager it was similar. My parents did not care whether I did my homework or revised for my GCSEs. I was conscientious so did revise. Now I am 22. I find I am always having to remind my parents to parent my younger siblings. For example, telling my younger siblings that they should revise for GCSEs as getting a GCSE in maths and english will help them in later life. Or when my younger sister was unhappy at sixth form I had to tell my parents to go and speak to her and figure out what was wrong and to encourage her to email her tutor rather than just do nothing, even though she is 17 she still needs them to parent her. All things I had to figure out myself at their age. Even when I graduated university, I got cards from extended family, flowers and even a few gifts. My parents didn't get me anything nor do anything to mark the occasion. If any of my younger siblings eventually go to university, on their graduation days I will be telling my parents to make an effort - plan a meal with all the extended family, buy some type of keep sake gift or flowers and a card, etc.

I get on really well with my parents as an adult and always viewed their parenting as very relaxed and felt I had a good childhood. It was only when talking with friends I just thought hmm I would do things differently myself now. I am also quite passive with myself as a young adult for example I don't eat lunch I just eat crisps and chocolate.

Namechange, PicsInRed is spot on. You are 22. Please don't let your 20s (and 30s and 40s...) slip away from you while you are busy being a third parent to your siblings. At 17, I was parenting my own baby sister because someone had to do it.

They should have prepared packed lunches but just didn't. My DF just didn't seem to realise that children get hungry and get bored standing around watching his hobby.

They couldn't be bothered to make packed lunches. He did realise, but didn't care. His hobby mattered more than his children's actual needs.

What you experienced - and are still experiencing - is abuse. I'm truly sorry to say that because it's hard to hear, and I understand completely why you feel you need to defend your parents and try to put their behaviour into some sort of context. I understand because I've been there.

When you feel ready and have had time to think about it a bit more, have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. You will read other posters' accounts of their upbringing that will resonate with you because they are so like your own.

Just - please - don't leave it too late.

Thank you @PicsInRed.

I just did this quiz of parentification www.fatherly.com/health-science/growing-up-too-fast-parentification-quiz/ (a term I had never heard of before) and I scored 17 out of 21. I can't believe how much the things in this quiz apply to me, everything from feeling like an adult in my family (even though I am an adult, I feel like I am an equal to my parents) and a referee (I am brought into all of my parents arguments and asked to determine who is right).

"In my family there are certain family members I can handle better than anyone else" - my DF can be difficult and I know exactly how to bring things up to him so if there is some kind of conflict my DM will tell me to speak to my DF about it. Although this has been a good trait for me as it means I am now very good at observing how things I say will be perceived and very diplomatic. However I think it has also contributed to my shyness as I am aware of how slight changes in the way I describe things or the tone I use can alter the meaning of what I mean and offend someone.

"My parents have enough to do without worrying about housework as well" - 100%. I wasn't even going to bring up the examples of the unclean lunch box and water bottle in my OP as I felt guilty about mentioning it as they had enough to worry about. Our house was always messy, not badly so but just there was no regular cleaning routine in place for things like the bathroom.

I could write long paragraphs about all 17 of the points I identify so strongly with. I am so grateful to you for telling me that term so I have a name for it and can look for resources online for it. A huge part of me thought that I am so involved in everything because I am maybe nosy and controlling but it is the dynamic in my family. Sometimes when my parents are arguing my DF will tell me to mind my own business but he cannot see that the dynamic in my family has meant that it is so ingrained for me to be involved in everything. He cannot bring me into every single argument to referee and then complain the one time he doesn't ask my opinion that I automatically intervene. I just cannot step back and ignore it. It is exhausting.

🤗

@SingingLily

Thank you for your response. It is hard because I genuinely get on really well with my parents. I do love being at home and being around my siblings. I am very close to them all. But the dynamic is damaging to me and I think space away from it would be good, but I worry about how they would cope when I eventually move out (I am not yet in the financial position to do so).

"They couldn't be bothered to make packed lunches. He did realise, but didn't care. His hobby mattered more than his children's actual needs." I strongly suspect my DF has ASD. There are a lot of similarities between him and my younger autistic siblings. I think he was quite obsessive about his hobby and got frustrated when anything came between him and it (in this case his children's hunger and boredom).

I was the eldest of a large family. When someone asked my DM if it wasn't hard work having so many dc she replied, "no the older ones look after the younger ones". She wasn't joking.
When I first went to Uni I couldn't believe how much free time I had, it was bliss.

Gosh some of these sound so familiar. My parents were caring in some aspects but not in others. My dad was the only one who cared if I did well at school, but he would say he was relying on my to look after him when he is old. Both of my parents didn't work for a long time when I was young, dad has some bad mental health issues. Mum is just plain lazy. They only began working when I was in my teens, probably as they knew benefits would be drying up soon. Never went to any clubs or anything extra activities, was so jealous of my cousins who did dance classes, swimming etc. I definitely feel like my social skills are nearly non existent because of my lack of being socialised as a child. I really struggle making friends and talking to new people, have got awful social anxiety. I probably stunk at school, their house was always (still is) filthy. I remember going the whole six weeks holidays without a bath once. Mother has no maternal instincts, don't ever remember being hugged, kissed or told I love you. I'm now so determined not to be like this with my own daughter. I'm forever cuddling and kissing her and will make sure I tell her I love her several times a day. I want to have a close relationship with my kids as they get older, feel as though my parents aren't interested in that with me. I remember finding it so odd seeing other people hugging their family. Ahhh I could go on. I know people who have had much worse and abusive upbringing than me so I should be happy. Can't help but mourn the home life I wish I'd had.

I have been mulling all this over this afternoon and I am finding it hard figuring out what it all means for me now in the present day.

Like I mentioned previously, I still live at home as do all my siblings except one of my sisters. It still seems that any tiny mishap seems to cause a lot of stress and it seems like my parents cannot cope with stress well and there is no routine or structure at home. But at the same time I acknowledge that I am adult so really it is not my business whether there is a routine at home or not and it is no longer my parents' job to provide that kind of structure or routine. Money isn't an issue anymore thankfully as we are now financially comfortable. The house is still messy. I keep my room tidy and frequently tidy other areas of the house but none of my other siblings do so I resent it as I feel like I am still being considered as the third parent whilst my siblings are still viewed as still perpetual children. If anything needs doing I am always the default they ask. HOWEVER, I am living at home as an adult so of course I should contribute and help out, of course I should tidy up and help do things like the food shop.

I know that I need to move out and that is when I will really be able to be my own person. But for the time being I am at home. Carrying on as I have since I was a teenager and before I created this thread means mediating my parents' arguments, helping my siblings out with various things that crop up in their life and encouraging my parents to get more involved with them, being the only one who walks my parents' dog, being the only one who tidies up and keeps the house clean, do the weekly food shop so my family eats proper meals rather than fast food multiple times a week (not my business but when I get involved in meal planning we eat as a family).

It is hard because what might have been dysfunctional parentification of me when I was 16 is now maybe the normal family dynamic when there are adult children living at home? I don't know...

I'm sorry about your childhood OP. I also used to think my parents were 'passive' but having my own kids now I think they were neglectful.

We did always have food, but I remember going to school with holes in my clothes, and at around six, used safety pins to keep clothing together. Mum washed my clothes so must have seen them.

We weren't poor. Mum and dad always had money for cigarettes. It's no coincidence me and my two sisters all have MH problems as adults.

One positive. I am struck by how many of you have said that it encouraged self sufficiency. My sisters and me are successful but it's absolutely nothing to do with my parents who will claim to anyone standing still long enough that it is

@user1490122883 Wow, some of what you have written could have been writing about me. I also had a period of my childhood where neither parent worked. I have a lot of resentment about it as it caused me so many difficulties. I remember lying about my parent's jobs when I was a child. I was entitled to free school meals and would get so anxious that my friends would find out. At secondary school we had to collect a ticket for our free meal and I just wouldn't eat lunch as I didn't want people to know. As an adult, I still don't understand it. Our life could have been so much better.

@Rhinofeet Yeah, perhaps passive was the wrong word to use. I am not yet a parent but now that I am an adult it is sometimes hard to understand why so many of my needs went unmet. I try and view things from their perspective of raising five children, two of which have autism with limited funds but still. Sitting and reading a book before bed with your child is 10 minutes out of your day, or sitting and doing colouring, or anything. They don't require money nor a lot of time but it just didn't happen.

OP you sound a very intelligent and insightful young woman. You are very young and living at home still. You must be reminded of their inadequacies every single day. In no way an I defended them but they had 5 children and 2 with special needs. Life has probably always been hectic and worrying for them. I grew up in the the 70s and my childhood and time before I left home sounds very similar to yours. I was well fed and my mother was a good cook but she was totally disinterested in her children as people. We were to be controlled and largely ignored. There was absolutely no affection or warmth or kindness from either parents. We never had any money for anything but my father smoked 40 cigarettes a day for over 40years. Our lounge had a thick smog of fag smoke drifting around us every evening and my mum was constantly washing the yellow net curtains. We were never taken to dentists and after starting my periods at the age of 11 I had a packet of sanitary towels thrust at me and told not to ever mention periods Infront of my dad or brother. I was given no information whatsoever and felt shocked at what was happening to me. I was still a little girl. I could go on and on about what crap parents they were. I'm 54 now and have 3 children of my own. Parenting is tough and they just weren't any good at it. I have made my peace with them as they are now 81. They are the parents I was given. That is just the way it is. I got dealt a rubbish hand when it came to parents but Im thankful for the good things I have in my life now.

@namechange2311 yes I really can't understand as a parent now myself. I understand why my dad couldn't work as his mental health was particularly bad for a long time. But my mum was happy to sit at home reading books all day. I would be less irritated about it if she actually did anything around the house but she never cleaned, dad would always cook tea. She's still the same now although she does work, she doesn't have the choice anymore now all of us are adults. I know what you mean about the embarrassment, from a young age I remember being so embarrassed about my tatty clothes and awful school bag. I remember one birthday we were so poor that we borrowed a cd of a band I liked from the library and my dad made a copy of it. That was my birthday present. I think it's made me more determined to be a better parent and work harder for my daughter to have a good life.

Your parents neglected you. Not OK.

I don’t think living at home now is a good thing for you.

@Loopytiles I can't move out until next September at the earliest. I feel happy being at home though, but maybe the effect on me is subtle so I don't realise its impact.

I am back again. Today has been a weird day and I have just been mulling things over and thoughts keep coming up to me and I just feel like writing on this thread helps me process it. I don't expect anyone to read or respond.

In this thread I and others have mentioned how busy and chaotic my family home must have been growing u with us being a large family with two of my siblings with ASD. But we are now all young adults now and our financial situation has improved and yet I still feel like my parents are passive with us. For example, whenever anything significant happens in one of our lives I am always orchestrating how we, as a family, should help. When my DSis broke up with her boyfriend I told my DM she should go out with her for a day of shopping and lunch to cheer her up and give her the opportunity to talk it through. When it was my DB's 18th birthday my DM said she wasn't going to get a cake as he didn't like them nor balloons as he didn't like them. I told her to get balloons and a cake and decorate the living room for him as 18th is an important birthday and so a big deal should be made about it. I remember on my university graduation I tried to hint how it was a big deal and I said I wanted to go for a meal afterwards and only my DM and DSis came so it was just 3 of us and it hurt when friends had their extended families travelling miles and miles to celebrate with them and they were given bouquets and cards and presents when my own DF couldn't even go out for a meal with us. My DM seemed to only care about my graduation as it gave her a reason to boast on Facebook. I feel bossy doing these kind of things but I am not having my younger siblings feeling unappreciated. I know they are just little things and nobody necessarily needs balloons or meals out but I think they are important.

My DM is quite a passive person who prefers to be told what to do so I think that is why she is like this, it is not malicious she just does not think of how to make things special on special events. My DF I strongly suspect has ASD as he just seems uninterested in anything sentimental or emotional, for example he would always spend Christmas Day in bed until lunch time, he wouldn't wake up early with us on our birthdays to watch us open presents, etc.

It sounds very challenging and lonely. You’re not responsible for your parents. It sounds like you have been holding things together for so long now. They’ve let you down by not meeting your needs. Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, you might find it helpful in your journey towards finding some clarity and self-fulfilment.
I think you’ve been incredible, your siblings have been very lucky that you’ve made their lives better. It’s your turn now. 💐

It’s interesting that you’re close to your parents today. I know a few people with parents who were like this and they are all very close now. My mum was quite the opposite - she did everything that she thought she should, and in fact often did more (but only things they would be noticed by other people. She very much wanted to be viewed as a ‘supermum’ and would actually make her life more difficult than it needed to be because she was one of those people who always wanted to be seen as being busy and organized and ‘better’ than other people. But really, emotionally she was emotionally unavailable and she was very controlling and overly strict... just the exact opposite of what you’ve described but this behaviour really didn’t do us any good. We all grew up to be fairly anxious, insecure and I’m NC with her because her controlling behavior never stopped. But on the surface I could describe my childhood as the exact opposite of yours - I’d always have healthy dinners cooked and always have a very strict daily routine and always have strict rules etc etc. And yet I don’t remember my childhood as a happy one - actually her parenting made me extremely unhappy - and definitely had a negative impact on me as a person. It’s strange. The behaviors of your parents could be called a form of neglect by some - people like my mum would call it that. And yet my mum probably did just as much harm if not more with her parenting.

You’ve stepped into a certain role in your family, perhaps to seek to compensate for what (in your experience) your parents lack, to try to make things better for your siblings .

You might benefit from counselling to consider this and decide on your own “boundaries” with your family, and change them.

In the meantime there are useful reading recommendations on the Stately Homes threads on here.

I would plan and work towards moving out next September.

“ I am not having my younger siblings feeling unappreciated”

You can’t control your parents’ feelings or actions towards your siblings. Trying to do so won’t be sustainable!

You can only do nice things for your siblings on your own behalf, which you already do. And look out for yourself.

Also I find it interesting that routine is something you feel is missing from your life. My mums strict routines made us thoroughly miserable as kids and we really felt like we missed out on a lot. It was boring to have such strict routine, and very frustrating. No special occasion could break these routines - family party past our bedtime? We missed it. Family members birthday meal that interrupted bath time? We missed it. We NEVER went out or had a life in the evenings. We NEVER had unexpected or spontaneous fun. I’ll never forget driving home with my parents on a beautiful bright summers evening, looking out the car window at all the children enjoying the summer holidays with their parents - playing crazy golf, going into a restaurant for dinner, etc, and just feeling so sad because we were trapped in this boring unbreakable routine and I feel that we missed real bonding time with our parents because of this. The routine made it very much ‘them’ and ‘us’ - it sort of seperated us in a way. We never got these relaxed summer evenings where there was no bedtime, we never got to sit up late watching movies with parents at the weekend, we never got to attend evening events with them and other adults. As a result we never bonded in the friendly way they other do and I found it VERY difficult to ever have a friendly relationship with my mum as an adult and I think it’s because of this. Also I feel the strict routine added to my anxiety because having absolute certainty of how things would go didnt comfort us as people say routine does, it just made gave us anxiety, and when we got older we all went a bit wild because we couldn’t believe the freedom! I remember being 18 and living away from home for the first time and realizing I could do ANYTHING I wanted! We definitely made the most of that in terms of going out and being crazy and drinking too much etc. Later I worked abroad a lot and married a man from another country and realized that these strict routines are a very British thing. With my own children I’m very relaxed with routine so as to avoid the mistakes my parents made. I’m trying to find the perfect balance between your parents and mine, I suppose! Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I sort of know how you feel, although from the other end of the spectrum. In a way I think that everyone is recovering from their parents parenting, in a way. Some more than others, of course.

Hi @EleanorShellstrop100, I think there’s a similarity between you and the OP. Neither of you felt your voice was heard or important, you were just subject to your parents imposition.

@Herocomplex Yeah it is lonely, whenever I have had problems I keep them to myself and try and deal with them myself. I think I come across as stoic when in reality I am constantly anxious and stressed out. I have read that thread and will definitely continue to do so but I find my situation difficult in that I am currently close to my parents and still live with them, where lots of posters are NC. I feel like because of that my situation is not "bad" enough, if you know what I mean.

@EleanorShellstrop100 I also find it interesting that I am close to my parents now as I am definitely closer to them than most of my friends are. I think maybe it is because the dynamic has always been that I am perceived as an equal adult to them so there was no adjustment period once I turned 18 to suddenly become an adult daughter.

Your childhood sounds quite similar to my childhood best friend's, although she was more relaxed about bedtimes in the school holidays and weekends. She had an immaculate house, always served healthy meals at the same time each day and did lots of activities and outings with us. I loved going to their house for sleepovers as I loved how spotless everything was and loved how they would all sit around the table for breakfast and there would be toast and cereal and orange juice and it just seemed quite formal and I loved it. However, my best friend loved coming to my house where she could play without worrying about tidying up afterwards and where it was just a lot more relaxed and easy going. As an adult I love routines so I think I will have to be conscious of not going too far like you felt your DM did and try and find the happy balance. However I am sorry about your strict your bedtime was, that sounds really sad. It is interesting that at 18 you describe that you and your siblings went "a bit wild", whereas since I have become an adult I feel like I have been trying to find and optimise ways to take care of myself and give myself routines. I guess we were both trying to rebalance ourselves after our childhoods albeit in the opposite directions.

@Loopytiles Thank you for your responses, yes you are right I need to step back and not try and take on parental responsibilities. Whenever something happens to my parents or siblings I take it on emotionally as "my" problem and get all stressed trying to fix it. This morning my DSis got up late and missed the bus to work and I was getting all stressed out trying to wake her up early to make sure she didn't miss it, and then when she did I was getting all stressed because I wasn't ready to drive her into work myself when I stepped back and realised - not my problem. It would have been nice for me to have driven her in but it was not possible as I was not ready, and she is an adult and knew she needed to be up at a certain time and had the opportunity to get up by that time and she didn't. That sort of thing happens to me all the time as in a large family there is always something going on and I just take on all of my family's stress.