Feeling dismissed by dh

[Insomniacscientist]

Feeing quite disheartened at the moment as any time I try to speak up(read “say something he doesn’t want to hear”) I get accused of being negative, talking crap, attacking him, being too sensitive etc. The list is longer and I’m sure I’ve missed some of the classics. Does anyone else feel like their opinion just doesn’t matter?

Does he actually say 'you're talking crap?' What sort of things does he say? :(

Yes I’m told I’m talking shit or talking crap, that I put meaning on words that are not there, even if I’m using the dictionary definition for said words.
Oh an the real gem is “words are just molecules passing through the air and it’s up to me how much emotion I attribute to them”.

Oh an the real gem is “words are just molecules passing through the air and it’s up to me how much emotion I attribute to them”

Call him a cunt and see how much emotion he attributes to that.

I can’t tag you spicy ribs but you made me laugh and smile at your response. Thanks for giving me a giggle.

Oh an the real gem is “words are just molecules passing through the air and it’s up to me how much emotion I attribute to them”.

What a pretentious twat. Ask him where he read that and how long it took him to memorise it.

I agree call him a cunt if that not work insult just mother and then get reaction

What a twat!

Is there anything good about him?

SpicyRibs has put it in a nutshell

I’m starting to wonder why we are still together. It’s the fact he throws everything back in my face. He then uses things I’ve said and almost mocks me making out what he is saying is how he is feeling. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well.
@AlexaAmbidextra the sad thing is I don’t think it’s something he read. Had to battle with him regarding dc who was initially told that they were not allowed to cry! I had to explain to him the potential damage that this could cause and that what i would agree to way telling dc that they couldn’t cry to get what they wanted. Looks absurd when I type this out.

What a nasty man. You deserve better.

So, in his view, only he has valid opinions or emotions. If he doesn't know this cannot be true, there is something seriously lacking/wrong.

Have you ever told him he's full of shit and speaking to you this way is not on?

What are your dc learning from witnessing him treating you this way? Or you continuing to let him treat you this way?

This sort of negative, toxic shit is why my husband is on his final warning and I mean it. I've got an exit plan and I know what to do the instant any more of his shit ever comes out of his mouth again.

Be strong, show your dc that his behaviour is not acceptable and you're not going to take it any more.

Thistimelastweek only feelings or opinions are valid if they don’t cause any inconvenience to him: They must not require him to change and/or do anything

Accidentally posted too soon. He has his morning routine and nothing can interfere with it. Tried talking to him the other morning when he was on the sofa eating his cereal and looking at videos on his phone. He could not even manage the basic courtesy of looking away from his phone when I tried to speak and when I called him on it, it was my fault for interrupting him, when all he was trying to do was his routine to get ready for the day.

Is there anything nice about him?

thistimelastweek this version of him is not the man i married. I have a wonderful dc and wouldn’t change them for the world, I just wish that I wasn’t resigned to existing rather than living for the rest of my days.
The horrible/nasty/thoughtless side is supercharged now and I’m starting to question everything.
With the exception of making me a tea I can’t think of anything nice he actually says or does. In saying that, his latest trick is to refuse to make me one if he feels I’ve not made him sufficient hot drinks. He will only grab one for himself if he feels I owe him.

He will only grab one for himself

Ahh so he’s an arsehole. I’d be thinking about getting rid. Life’s too short to put up with shitty behaviour.

In response to puds11’s post, do you think it’s almost like he’s trying to put me in my place or train me like an animal with it?

@KellyHall yes I’ve spoken to him about it and that’s when he came out with the gem about molecules in the air or alternatively I’ll be accused of doing something wrong. He likes to say I’m being aggro as he knows he’s backed me into a corner by doing so as I’ve got no way to respond other than playing right into his hand.

To me it’s classic controlling behaviour. What you will probably find is that if you were to make sure you always made him a cup of tea (don’t) he’d then stop making you any and make a big show of having in himself. It’s to make you feel like crap because he’s a pathetic arsehole.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this

*having one himself

This does not sound like a healthy relationship.
Maybe suggest counseling together to learn how to communicate

Or maybe ask him to leave

Been through this, right down to the only making tea for himself but expecting one whenever I put the kettle on.

Do not have counselling with him, he’ll only use what he learns to abuse you further.

Stop talking about your feelings with him, he doesn’t deserve to know what you feel or think, get yourself counselling so you have an outlet for your emotions and make plans to leave before you turn into a ghost of yourself.

I’m four years out now after 20 odd years of this sort crap and I’ve never been happier.

Good luck OP.

@MotherisourSlave I’ve done marriage counselling in the past however, the counsellor was adamant we were not allowed to blame the other person, I said it wasn’t about blame it was about being accountable for their part in an interaction. The whole saga didn’t last long as I wasn’t paying for it to be 2 against 1.
There’s no way I’d go back with another practitioner as that just supported him that it was all me iykwim.
He’s also starting to show his jealous side, this first raised its head this time last year, when I was invited to an evening dinner function with a group of female friends and he got it in his head that I wanted to dance with other men! And also how could I possibly want to go without him! Frustratingly I couldn’t go as I’d promised to take dc somewhere. I really wish I could have gone, if only to make the point that I couldn’t be controlled. He’s also still pissed at me catching up with a long standing male friend for dinner that I hadn’t seen in years because I turned it into a date by going for a single drink after dinner!

Insomniacscientist

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I hope you have not stayed to date with him merely because of the kids.

Do not undertake joint counselling with this man ever again. As you have already seen it does not work and infact it is not recommended if there is abuse of any type within a relationship. Manipulative men like your H can and do all too readily manipulate counsellors into taking their side.

Counselling for your own self would be beneficial; you need to be able to talk in a calm and safe environment. Womens Aid are also certainly worth contacting here as is seeking legal advice (I doubt very much that he would be at all reasonable re the whole divorce process).

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack thereof; its about power and control. This man wants absolute here over you and your kids.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You have a choice re this man insomniac and they do not.