Feeling dismissed by dh

[Insomniacscientist]

Feeing quite disheartened at the moment as any time I try to speak up(read “say something he doesn’t want to hear”) I get accused of being negative, talking crap, attacking him, being too sensitive etc. The list is longer and I’m sure I’ve missed some of the classics. Does anyone else feel like their opinion just doesn’t matter?

Ask him to leave. Tell him you have decided you would be happier without him and you want to exercise your right to self-determination. No explanations, no excuses.

@spicyribs

Tell him he’s an arsehole and to attribute whatever the fuck he likes to those molecules.

P.s He’s also scientifically inaccurate - words aren’t molecules, they are waves, so he’s a dumbass as well as a fucking prick.

Ugh.

@pictish your post made me laugh out loud.
Factually inaccurate yes, however he’s incredibly bright which adds to the whole mess. I actually said he was being an arsehole earlier in response to something he said and I was told to stop being abusive towards him.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m not together solely for the dc but I’d be lying if this wasn’t a factor. I’m scared he’d manipulate things and try to claim I’m an unfit mother and gain sole custody. He’s got a whole family network who can do no wrong and I’m on my own. Dc also dote on the grandparents and I’d be painted as the evil monster throughout the whole mess.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to respond to things in the short term until I can get steps put in place to leave?

Any guidance regarding his accusations of me being abusive would be very much appreciated.

Personally I’d make plans to leave.

And in the meantime I’d go grey rock. Because you are wasting your time trying to persuade him that you are right and he’s wrong.

Just focus on the exit. Look at Women’s Aid website, safety planning. Don’t bother trying to argue with /set him straight. Don’t tell him you’re thinking of going. Ring Women’s Aid Helpline.
Don’t worry about him accusing you of abuse, no one’s going to take your children away without evidence. Make sure your relationship with them is good, with firm boundaries.
If you’ve time, read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? and When Dad Hurts Mom. There are extracts of the former online.

Oh yes, you are not alone ... my advice would be to plan your conversations to the things that are really key. I would disengage from any normal chatting as, in my experience, lack of emotional intelligence means you will always come away bruised further.

Suggest also use of text. Suggest also letting other half drop themselves in it a couple of times to learn from experience but be careful that you are not blamed or that it doesnt affect you adversely.

Ultimately you are too good for this person, maybe they can change but it is unlikely as they are far too intelligent arent they to need to change and hopefully one day soon you will be able to get away safely.

@IHateWashingUp2 I don’t feel I can relate to the women’s aid stuff in the sense I don’t see his behaviour as abuse just him being a bit of a dick/asshole. I’m probably not making much sense. I don’t feel as if I have anything concrete to leave him if that makes sense.
@Hepsibar his lack of emotional intelligence is probably key as to why the relationship is so messed up.
The whole thing has made me very teary and I’m very grateful for all the support I’ve had here. Rather sad when the only time I’ve laughed in far too long is in response to posts on this thread. Thanks again

I would also focus on your exit from this relationship because its also no decent role model of one to impart to your children. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from them and this is no legacy to leave them.

He also I daresay does not act anything like this around work colleagues or with outsiders. Abusers can and do appear plausible to those in the outside world.

If someone in the street did this to you, you would say their behaviour is abusive. Your H is abusive towards you; abuse is not solely physical in nature. What he says to you is deliberate and designed to hurt. For him this is about power and control here; he wants absolute over you all. You have more than enough reasons to leave him; the fact you (and in turn your children who pick up on all this too) are unhappy is enough reason.

I don’t feel as if I have anything concrete to leave him if that makes sense.

He is vile and treats you like he hates you. That’s a pretty good reason to leave.
I would just communicate with him as little as possible until I was able to leave.

What a fucker this man is. He is training you never to question him so that he has complete control. Over time this treatment will destroy you.
Start saving, start planning, stop interacting with him. He is total scum.

OP you wrote:
only feelings or opinions are valid if they don’t cause any inconvenience to him: They must not require him to change and/or do anything
Isn’t this about him being in control of everything?
Read the Women’s Aid definition of abuse, then imagine you are a third party/friend measuring your relationship against that definition.
We all have a tendency to think that abuse happens “to those women over there (in that estate/workplace/class), not to women like me”. But it does.

@IHateWashingUp2 thanks for taking the time to reply. I can assure you that I’m fully aware that nobody is immune to being in an abusive relationship. What I’m struggling with however, is not wanting to accept his behaviour is about control.

My head is all over the place at the moment with everything that’s happening in my life, not just the relationship. Think I need to get the “silly season” over and regroup.

What your husband is doing is called ""emotional invalidation" (where a person's feelings are judged, ridiculed, dismissed) and it's a form of manipulation or emotional abuse. He's diverting attention away from his own shitty behavior.
While you may not feel like the situation warrants Women's Aid, this isn't a healthy respectful or loving marriage anymore (who the f**k keeps a hot beverage score card against their wife?).
This article has some tips for coping / dealing with his invalidating behavior which may help:
outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/invalidation
If all else fails, deeeep breath and walk away (or if you think you could manage it, smile sweetly at him, say nothing and walk away!) He's playing to "win" and you are bashing your head against a brick wall trying to get him to compromise or see your side - he wants a fight so don't give out to him! Because it sounds like he very much knows how to play you (back you into as corner) to get you to snap. Seeing as counselling is out and he's obviously not willing to change his behavior, you are best putting your energies into DC and planning for separation - consult solicitor, talk to your support network, work out what you'll need for your financial stability going forward (If you need to apply for benefits etc)
Big hugs of support x

Absolutely abusive.

Good advice above.

Get organised. Quietly.

Get out.

He's not going to change.

He sounds vile.

💐