DP's XW is totally gorgeous, I feel so inadequate

[LallaLallieBa]

Hi all, very long time lurker but first time poster. I’d love some advice on my situation.

I have been with DP for 18 months, we are in love and happy together. He is 12 years older than me and divorced with 3 DC he has for 50% of the time. I am 31 and he is 43.

Before we got together I vaguely knew his XW socially (we spoke 2 or 3 times at social events) and I had always found her a very inspiring woman. She is beautiful, very successful in her career, wealthy, smart. I had (and still have!) a lot of respect for her as a woman.

Then I met now DP in a totally unrelated way, at the beginning I didn’t know he was his XW’s ex, it took me a few dates to work that out. They had mutually and amicably split 6 months before I met DP. They are still on great friendly terms and she has a new bf. No signs of romantic feelings between them at all, DP speaks very positively of her as a mother and a person, but I am fairly sure he has no romantic interest in her. He is pretty crazy about me, if I may say so!

The thing is, I am having a hard time with not comparing myself to her. She is just so amazing, accomplished and beautiful, every time I bump into her on the street I feel so inadequate and meh. I feel like I just can’t measure up.

My career is a bit up and down, I am financially ok but definitely not wealthy, I am reasonably attractive but not gorgeous (in spite of lovely DP thinking so!). I just can’t phantom how DP, who was with someone as amazing as her for 15 years, could now want to be with someone like me. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I never shared these thoughts with DP who is blissfully unaware of my feelings about his XW. He is such an amazing man and partner, I love him and he makes me feel so loved, appreciated and cherished. I know this is a sign of my insecurity, and I have to find a way to sort it out.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you stop feeling so inferior? How did it work out in the end? This relationship makes me so happy and I don’t want my own insecurity to jeopardise it

He got to know her really well though you arent seeing her like he sees her.
Great as you think her to be, he is with you and it was over with her.
For lots of guys money isnt important in a woman and they have a wide taste of what beauty is.

If I were you I’d tell him you feel this way. Then he’ll probably explain to you what he loves about you and that might make you better.

You're the 2nd Mrs DeWinter!

They split up for a reason...

ps - did you mean 'phantom'?

It is a good sign of your self esteem you don't feel the need to trash her as so many do. You need to think about how much you have to offer to your DP. He is with you because he sees you and your qualities. He admires and values you. Is this to do with how you feel about yourself historically too or just triggered by "compare and despair"?

I kind of know how you feel. DH dated a beauty queen! Not a Miss World or anything but how the actual fuck was I supposed to compare to someone like that?! She was beautiful and clever and I'm just me. I've kind of joked about it once but I've never brought it up properly. I just remind myself that they split up for a reason and he married me (for what reason I have no idea!).

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder OP.. plus she might have been a nightmare to live with!! X

You're being a bit silly.

Firstly, the beauty thing is neither here or there in terms of priority in a long term relationship and as pp says, men tend to prioritise different things in terms of beauty. Many times there's been some actress or singer on the TV who I (and every gossip magazine) think is drop dead beautiful and my Father/Brother/DP/male friend have sometimes completely disagreed because they are looking at different things. If it was just looks and talent none of these famous beautiful celebs would ever get dumped or divorce. But they do. So meh to that.

She may be lovely, but no one's perfect are they? Your dp clearly adores you. Don't do yourself down by comparing yourself. Ask him some questions as to why they broke up. It may be that he felt overshadowed by her (not a positive thing) but it's also about how a person feels about themselves when they are with you and how you make them feel. Clearly you make him feel great.

Just enjoy it!

She might be boring. They might be mismatched sexually. She might be a mare to live with. HE might have felt inadequate being with her.

don’t overthink and dont second guess

Someone I knew can't say who usd to think the same about her partners ex. When she showed me a picture I said she is just average and perhaps you are seeing her this way because she is the ex wife.

You just want your ego stroking. TBH.

Perhaps her beauty, personality, success, wealth and amazingness is the reason things didn’t work out. Maybe your partner didn’t like feeling out of his league or prefers a younger and probably more impressionable woman who will put him on a pedestal. Perhaps he feels you are a safer bet who won’t leave him/hurt him or challenge him academically. Or maybe she is a horrible person and in hugely in debt, with her P45 in the post. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feckers2018 have you been drinking?

I imagine she is a fair bit older than you, Lalla. Maybe you will be drop dead gorgeous in ten years, I'm sure you're attractive now or your partner wouldn't have fancied you in the first place. Women often do become more attractive as they get older, they're more confident too which is alluring.

Dhs ex was shit hot. I never quite got what he saw in me tbf, I think I'm pretty attractive, just not her level. But from what if I've heard from his friends and siblings she was very time consuming, needy and a party girl I'm a fairly laid back lazy fucker that would rather sit in my jammies at home with the kids and take two mins to get ready he wanted a family not a party night.

He's not looking for someone who looks perfect to other people, he's looking for someone who's perfect for him. You're compatible, attractiveness is subjective but you're attractive to him, you get on together, it works. She's not better than you op, just like you're not better than her, it's just that you're a better fit for your dp (hopefully)!

My partners ex is an underwear model, drop dead gorgeous, amazing body, but at the end of the day he’s an ex, if he was that great they would still be together.

Exs are exs for a reason.

I understand this. My DH’s ex was younger, taller and slimmer than me. She also had excellent career

However, he married me.
Turns out he prefers shorter women with curves.
And I’ve pushed myself in my career to now be doing really well too.

Some people just work better together than others. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

Well how old is the ex wife?
Because could it be he’s one of these men that just keep trading for the younger woman, and finds a powerful same-aged woman a bit of a threat ?
Deep down are you concerned that the attractive thing about you is your youthfulness and that he may trade you in in a few years too? 🤔

It’s not about how wonderful one person is it’s about the combination of two people together.... their fit was not good in the long term for whatever reason.

She's an ex for a reason.

"If you can't love yourself
How in the hell you gonna love somebody else"

You are now his #1. Own that role.

Splitting on mutually and amicable terms and being on great friendly terms now says a lot, it means the passion and spark is long gone for them, so it's a great sign.

He probably does still appreciate lots of fantastic qualities about her BUT that's completely different than romantic feelings.

Even if she is completely ridiculously amazing and stunning that won't compare to what he now feels for you because he's crazy about you!!!

Comparison is the thief of joy!

He is obviously very happy with you, please don’t spoil what you have, enjoy it

it's always the dynamic between two people though isn't it.

It's not as simple as she is fabulous. Did they work well together, have great conversational, emotional, physical chemistry? They did get divorced, so something wasn't working!

I’d tell him how you feel