DP's XW is totally gorgeous, I feel so inadequate

[LallaLallieBa]

Hi all, very long time lurker but first time poster. I’d love some advice on my situation.

I have been with DP for 18 months, we are in love and happy together. He is 12 years older than me and divorced with 3 DC he has for 50% of the time. I am 31 and he is 43.

Before we got together I vaguely knew his XW socially (we spoke 2 or 3 times at social events) and I had always found her a very inspiring woman. She is beautiful, very successful in her career, wealthy, smart. I had (and still have!) a lot of respect for her as a woman.

Then I met now DP in a totally unrelated way, at the beginning I didn’t know he was his XW’s ex, it took me a few dates to work that out. They had mutually and amicably split 6 months before I met DP. They are still on great friendly terms and she has a new bf. No signs of romantic feelings between them at all, DP speaks very positively of her as a mother and a person, but I am fairly sure he has no romantic interest in her. He is pretty crazy about me, if I may say so!

The thing is, I am having a hard time with not comparing myself to her. She is just so amazing, accomplished and beautiful, every time I bump into her on the street I feel so inadequate and meh. I feel like I just can’t measure up.

My career is a bit up and down, I am financially ok but definitely not wealthy, I am reasonably attractive but not gorgeous (in spite of lovely DP thinking so!). I just can’t phantom how DP, who was with someone as amazing as her for 15 years, could now want to be with someone like me. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I never shared these thoughts with DP who is blissfully unaware of my feelings about his XW. He is such an amazing man and partner, I love him and he makes me feel so loved, appreciated and cherished. I know this is a sign of my insecurity, and I have to find a way to sort it out.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you stop feeling so inferior? How did it work out in the end? This relationship makes me so happy and I don’t want my own insecurity to jeopardise it

@Footballmumto3 truth in that I think. is it ONLY the 12 years younger that the OP has going for her in his eyes? I'm sure OP is great but she needs to know why he is with her. If that's not obvious to her, then the xw is a red herring I suppose.

They split up for a reason...

@BennyTheBall They didn’t split up?

To look at it from another side...Many people considered me very pretty, attractive, stunning, etc. I never felt that way, I felt insecure, but at the same time I did know I was very attractive.

I had a short disastrous marriage. After a long time I’m with a new partner I like. But I know I’m still insecure in myself, and not an easy person to be with. Externally I might be the person you thing is fabulous, but I’m not.

Oh god please don't tell him how you feel about her! Insecurity is not attractive.
My bf also had a really beautiful ex. I accepted that she was far more beautiful than me, but I'd never tell him that

How old is ex wife? Have you met his children? Have you met her in front of him and kids? Was she welcoming to you? If so he obviously thinks the world of you and she’s happy for you both (so no romantic feelings for him) so just relax and enjoy him! Let us know op xx

Unless he wants to still be with her, OP, you are not inferior to her in his eyes. Your position as his current partner, and her position as his ex, proves that he feels you are superior. You are feeling anxious about a decision that has already been made, and made in your favour. She has all those amazing qualities, and he prefers you. I'd take that as an indication that you ought to be feeling a bit smug, rather than putting yourself down.

Maybe it’s because everything was all about her. My partner is very attractive, successful, accomplished, all knowing...everytime we are out he dominates the conversation. It’s all about him all of the time. I personally wish I’d chosen somebody less of everything. More normal. It gets exhausting to try and keep up/interest/live with somebody who is so brilliant and perfect at everything all of the time. What’s attractive about you is that you’re interested in him and you don’t just bleat on about yourself all of the time?

Sorry I disappeared, couldn't log back on in on phone and didn't have access to my computer.

I hear what you all say, and I agree that when relationships with kids involved end, all options have usually been explored before two people decide to separate and face all the difficulties that come with the split.

I am pretty sure that there are no romantic feelings left between DP and his XW, for both of them. They are genuinely friendly and kind to each other. Their DC has asked them a few times why they couldn't stay together if they get along so well, and their answer is that they can only get along so well because they are no longer together.

I have no real reason to be jealous of her, I think it is not even jealousy but more of a feeling of not be "in her league", hence failing at the comparison with her.

To the PPs who asked about our age difference, I don't think my DP is with me because I am younger. I am hardly a naive and easily manipulated woman, if he wanted an impressionable and adoring type he would have picked someone else.

fit4more yours is a valid point, DP did mention a few times that one of the reasons why he wasn't happy in the marriage was that he felt he has lost his sense of identity, their whole life was shaped around her, her taste, her culture, her family and so on. To everybody he was just "XW's husband" and he wanted to be his person again.

I get where you are coming from as my DP has an ex who he is still close friends with and on paper it seems that she ticks all of his boxes which makes me feel a bit meh. She’s very petite (which he likes), tanned, outgoing, popular, interesting job, same group of friends as him, outdoorsy, bit of a hippy (DP’s style) etc. I’m none of those things but my DP is head over heels in love with me (unless he’s a very good actor) and we have a brilliant relationship so I try to not think about his ex too much and just accept that we are very different but my DP loves me for me.

I’m the opposite to you I think.
My exes new girlfriend is a right old munter don’t understand that. He was always picking on me telling me I’m fat and ugly. She’s worse🤷‍♀️ Can’t make it out.

It's nice to hear something positive about an exW. Doesn't come up much on here.

I agree with everyone else. She is an ex for a reason and therefore something was lacking. Perhaps it was HER who traded him in for a younger more attractive boyfriend. Your 12 years younger than him so he is probably kicking himself wondering how he managed to snag you! I very much doubt you’re unattractive either!
It’s natural to compare yourself to others, it’s human nature but don’t let it cloud your otherwise great relationship! I would definitely not tell you DP what you think either!

You are right, I should really make an effort to stop having these stupid thoughts!!

I always compared myself unfavourably to DH's first wife - she wore size 6 jeans throughout her pregnancy and could get them done up the day she left hospital with DSS1, and was very slim. However, got over it because DH wasn't with her, he divorced her and she was not faithful. He loved me for who I am, and not what I look like. It didn't matter to him that I was fat.