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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Talk to me about mentionitis

35 replies

Fuckmyliferightnow · 21/11/2019 20:52

Why would a dp mention the ow if he wanted to hide it? I don't get it.

Is talking about her being 'a bit mental/unhinged' a red flag?

I have suspected since Feb, I've been lied to and am still being lied to. Yet the lies are Oscar performances, ir this another red flag?

What other red flags are there?

OP posts:
Greenkit · 23/11/2019 10:16

He is cheating, you know that

Glad you are making plans, I hope they dont involve him.

ravenmum · 23/11/2019 10:36

Sounds like he has all the symptoms. Also sounds like she may have dumped him, so now she's not an option he's preparing for her outing him, not just by making out she's nuts but also by making you like him again. Was there a time (when she dumped him) that he was especially weird/sad/coming home late?

My ex did the mentionitis, too, but telling me about this amazing work colleague who had done such amazing things and he was so impressed. I think he just had her on his mind and it came out.

As the horrible behaviour got worse (dead eyes etc.), I would call him out on his behaviour and he would say "You don't know anything!". I thought he meant that I didn't know what was going on in his head or understand his emotions.

After a year, I got into his email account and knew everything. But I didn't tell him straight away. I started saying things he'd done, but as if I was guessing. He reacted with the usual "You don't know anything!" and I realised that what he had meant all along was "You can't prove anything".

They think they are safe if you can't prove anything. That they can say this stuff right up close to the border of you finding out, but you can't prove it, so they're safe.

When someone says you're paranoid, the instinct is to deny it and be super unparanoid, because you don't want to be a horrible person. So the more he calls you paranoid, the more you try to be reasonable and give him the benefit of the doubt.

It was only when I got proof, and it was exactly what I'd guessed and much worse, that I realised I didn't need proof. And that I'd been so busy "not being paranoid" and explaining away each individual symptom that I'd never really considered how much more obvious it was when you looked at them all together.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 23/11/2019 11:13

@ravenmum yes, I know but feel I need proof.
I tried to leave him in the summer and the fall out was so horrific I feel I now need proof to be able to say, right, now it's over and it's not all in my head.
He can be so vindictive, if I go without proof he can call me paranoid and crazy forever more.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/11/2019 11:18

if I go without proof he can call me paranoid and crazy forever more
a) he'll call you all sorts of crap whatever, but you won't care as you won't be there
b) anyway, you're not leaving because you think he had an affair; you're leaving because you are unhappy. And if he thinks it's because of a suspected affair, then he's crazy, right?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 23/11/2019 11:20

Can you get hold of his phone bill? Any numbers that are very frequent in calls/texts that you don't recognise?

ravenmum · 23/11/2019 11:22

Mine had written down the password to his email account and left it in my desk a dozen years before.
His OW printed out their emails and her husband came across them. (The bugger didn't tell me!)
A friend was caught out when her husband put a keystroke logger on their computer.

SunshineAngel · 23/11/2019 11:33

It does all sound a bit suspicious. But some people are just protective of their phones. Mine goes everywhere too (though not if I'm just going upstairs for a wee or something) and it's always on silent and face down .. but that's more because I think it's rude to sit checking texts or apps in front of your partner, so if you can't see it, there's no temptation to do so.

PicsInRed · 23/11/2019 14:10

Can you log into the phone account and restore deleted messages? Is it synced to any other device e.g. iPad?

It's possible too that he's on one of the cheating apps like kik, some of which can be hidden in the phone behind false fronts. Sorry OP.

You may need to take a hard decision on this one. Do you normally suspect cheating of partners? If not, why now? Is it due to suspicious "cheatish" behaviour?

If so, regardless of whether he is cheating, why would you want to live the rest of your life like this when you could be with someone who makes you feel secure, comfortable and loved?

Fuckmyliferightnow · 23/11/2019 19:52

I have trusted him fully for the first ten years, never questioned him, despite secretive behaviour, I always believed what he told me. I'm too nice for my own good Blush

OP posts:
Fuckmyliferightnow · 23/11/2019 19:55

His excuse was stress with work, depression and it made his behaviour odd.

OP posts:
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