I’m facing a bit of a situation and I’m not really sure how to tackle it, so I’d be really grateful for some collective Mumsnet wisdom, advice and guidance. As in most situations, there’s a looooong back story, but so as not to bore you to death, I’ll try to give a potted version.
My own childhood was pretty average, I was fed, clothed, had a secure roof over my head, had family holidays, etc, but the family home was a pretty loveless place and I was never made to feel special, cherished or appreciated (quite the opposite). I was groomed and sexually abused from the age of 12 by a much older man (in a position of authority) and his friends. I became pregnant at 16, and my DS was born when I was 17. I’m over 50 now, so DS is grown up, married and has a daughter of his own. He doesn’t know his father because he disappeared before I could even tell him I was pregnant.
Adult life hasn’t always been easy for me….I’ve suffered many periods of poor mental health, I have crushingly low self-esteem (all those early years of abuse have made me crave the attention of men, but believe that my body/sex is all I have to offer), I’ve had a number of bad long-ish term relationships (never abusive relationships, though, more that I’ve picked the wrong men, alcoholics, possessive, emotionally unavailable, etc), I’ve never really been able to put down roots for any length of time, money has always been tight and I’ve moved house and job more times than I care to remember. Throughout this, though, I always put my DS first, doing my very best to ensure he felt safe, secure, loved, supported and valued. We were always very close, I think I was (am) a good mom and, despite him not having the best, most stable start in life, I brought him up to be a good and kind man; he has a great job, loads of close friends, a lovely family and home of his own, and strong values and ethics. I’m very proud of him and the man he’s become.
My parents are elderly and quite infirm. They’re difficult, narrow-minded and judgemental, my DF especially, and I have (in the past) clashed with him quite badly. I have one much older brother who I don’t really know very well. My younger brother sadly died a few years ago. Other than the clashes with my DF, there have been no major fallings-out or arguments in the past and it’s all perfectly amicable and friendly when we do see each other, but it’s safe to say that I don’t have a close and loving relationship with either my parents or my brother. I make a flying visit to my parents once a week (more out of FOG than me actually wanting to see them, if I’m honest), and I see my brother a few times a year (birthdays, Christmas, etc), but none of them ever bother to keep in touch with me outside of these occasions, no phone calls, texts, visits, etc. My brother, however, is very close to my parents (he’s the ‘golden child’), so they do keep in regular touch.
My MH has been very fragile for many years and I admit that I was guilty of isolating myself from people for a long period of time (still do, to some extent). During that hellish time it was all I could do to get myself to work each day, when all I really wanted to do was to sleep, binge eat, stare mindlessly into space…..or die. My parents and brother have no idea that I have these problems with my MH, and I really don’t want them to know…..they’re the kind of people who don’t ‘believe’ in that kind of thing, they simply wouldn’t understand, they would judge me and I know they would view it as a weakness on my part. That’s just how they are. My DS also didn’t know about my MH problems until quite recently, but he still doesn’t know the full extent of how bad things have been for me. I really don’t want to burden him with worrying about me!
In fact, I did such a good job of slapping on a smile, hiding the extent of my illness and isolating myself that no-one could see how unwell I was and, because I already had such an arms-length relationship with my family, I kind of disappeared under the radar. It’s sad to say, but had I acted on my constant suicidal thoughts, the alert would only have been raised when I didn’t turn up at work.
So, fast forward to now and I feel that I am being cut out of the whole family, even by my DS. It’s like I don’t exist. Plans are made and I’m not invited. I’ve lived at my current address for just over a year and not one of my family members even knows where I live. As in they don’t know my address, or even what part of town I live in. In fact, I’ve lived at 3 different addresses over the past 5 years and no-one from the family has visited me in all that time. I never ever receive phone calls or text messages. I always have to make the first contact.
I’m most hurt by my DS’s actions. He has a 2 year old daughter, my only grand-daughter, who I absolutely adore. I’m a good nanna; I’m reliable, I’m responsible, I’m fun, I’m loving, I’m kind, I’m trustworthy. I know that my DGD loves to spend time with me, we have a great fun together! But, unless I specifically make contact and request to see DS, DIL and DGD, I simply never get to see them. The only time I get contacted by them is when I’m needed to babysit. DS & DIL regularly make plans to see my parents (DS is quite close to his grandparents), they regularly make plans to see my DIL’s parents and extended family, they occasionally make plans to see my brother. I only ever find out what they’re doing/where they’ve been when I see posts on Facebook, or when other people tell me. They NEVER make plans to see me. Never. I honestly can’t remember one single time that they’ve specifically made contact with me to arrange a get-together. Get-togethers do happen (infrequently), but only ever when I instigate them.
DS & DIL are moving house soon, and today, I’ve found out that DS has taken his grandfather (my DF) to see their new house. The new house is really close to where I live. Yet not once did DS think that I - his mother - might like to see their new house.
When I do make contact to instigate a get-together, I’m normally told “we can’t see you then because we have plans with (insert whoever here)”. I’ve spoken to DS about this a couple of times; the last time I did, DS acknowledged that he could do better in keeping up with contact but he was of the opinion that I’d not bothered with them either (which is possibly partially true, due to my self-imposed isolation). At the time, I didn’t feel strong enough to argue that I’ve ALWAYS been the one to instigate contact and get-togethers. But, despite the promise to “do better”, it’s still the same. Radio silence. No change at all. Each time I learn that DS, DIL & DGD have visited a family member and I’ve still had no contact from them whatsoever, it breaks my heart. It also sends my MH spiralling down into a dark hole. I truly feel that no-one (other than my amazing partner) would miss me, or even notice that I’d gone.
I really would welcome guidance on how to approach this. I don’t want to force my company onto my DS & DIL, plus my MH problems mean I’m probably not the most sparkling/interesting company anyway. I also can’t talk to him (or anyone) about just how poor my MH is; I find it impossible to talk about it without breaking down (and my parents simply don’t “do” crying). A good friend (who knows about my MH issues, but perhaps doesn’t appreciate how bad things have been) suggested that I hold my nerve and wait for them to contact me…..but I’m terrified that this is the wrong approach and the already shaky bridges will be burned for ever.
Apologies for this being too long and a bit rambly, it’s a total ‘brain-dump’ if I’m honest. There’s so much background and I didn’t want to drip-feed (although I inevitably have).