Limerence affairs and cheating

[Teenagekicks2]

I was reading a couple of threads regarding affairs and cheating.

A few years ago, I was there and cheating DH with one of his friends. Even it was an online platonic love it has taken severe consequences in our lives.

One article helped me to understand and put some order on my thoughts and in what I was feeling. He was manipulating me and I was completely addicted. Couldn't live a day without him and fantasising what a perfect life being together and it was all fantasy. Don't follow my example and don't be emotionally controlled by them.

loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/

This is just what i needed to read! I am married and an ex crush made contact over the summer - it was like all those feelings that i had put to the back of my mind were just all back! He was literally all i thought about from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to sleep! Its been 10 weeks since i last spoke with him and it is so hard some days! My husband is an incredible man who adores me, the guilt i felt was awful but my literal obsession with this other man over rode everything!

Sorry Op but your post , sets you up as a victim, unable to control yourself and at the control of a villian- as such you seem abdicate responsibility.
I do understand how we can all fall into these traps and the article itself is enlightening, but I think whilst how we feel can be outside our control, the way we act on these, is totally up to the individual. If you dont own your actions you will continue you to repeat them and never progress.

I have only ever heard of limerence on MN and to be honest it seemed like a weasely pseudo scientific condition that could be rolled out as an excuse for some pretty shite behaviour.

"I just could not help myself, I was suffering from limerence, I know what I did was not right but I had lost all control"

Limerance is a load of bollox, call it what it is 'a full on crush with someone unavailable' and it's bordering on stalkerish. It's an excuse for shite behaviour as the pp says.

Can you imagine if a man said he just couldn't help himself? He'd be called a rapey stalker and quite rightly so.

I don’t really see the different between limerance and regular infatuation.

Bullshit spouted by women to justify crushes and affairs.

Ah the holier than thou crowd are out.

Dorothy Tennov wrote a book in 1979 called "Love and Limerence" and as such coined the term Limerence. It is very real and completely obsessive from a psychological point of view.

I have experienced limerence (the subject does not have to be married/attached - it can be with any person) Even if I hadn't I don't think I would say "well it definitely doesn't exist because it goes against my beliefs (paraphrasing)" I have not experienced clinical depression (luckily) but I would not pretend to know what that feels like. And for the record I am not comparing limerence with clinical depression I am using it as an example of something I have not had personal experience of.

You can say call it what it is "a big crush" yes it is, but more obsessive.

The more I type the more I wonder why I am a typing because there are a number of people here who are very vocal and also very intolerant once anything regarding affairs are mentioned. It's either "you are a worthless, morality free, b*tch of the highest order" or LTB. It's a bitterness that's very much the place of black and white thinking. There couldn't possibly be a grey area ( and if you read my previous posts you will see I have been directly affected by infidelity)

OP, well done for realising what was happening and removing yourself from it and the article will hopefully be helpful to someone.

Exactly that @Cheeseandwin5! I think this when people say they 'fell into' an affair🤷‍♀️. Your actions can prevent you from ending up in Limerence.

Thank you to Anastasia for putting things into context...completely agree = there are grey areas.

I also think limerence is a slightly ridiculous and overused phrase.

My view is you can have crushes which are stronger than you want them to be/thought possible. But it is all about choices as Louise pp says...I hope the holier than thou brigade never experience these 'feelings' for anybody else while they are in a relationship as it is really hard, as limerence or / whatever you want to call it - they can become all consuming against all your better will and judgement.

He was manipulating me and I was completely addicted.

^It was the bad mans fault was it? Who are you trying to kid?

@taxidriver9 I'm certainly not 'holier than thou' but I do find the phrase is used a lot by people who can't control their actions against those that can. I do believe that limerance is a thing but I also believe it's often (in affair cases) enabled to develop. I've made loads of mistakes in my life but never 'allowed' myself to fall in love or obsession with someone when in a relationship. In order for those feelings to be developed, they have to be accepted/responded to and my self esteem depends on being a decent person and a loyal wife so I wouldn't 'allow' that to happen.

People have choice about their behaviour. Lack of impulse control is not an excuse.

Just to clarify, I'm not vilifying people for having crushes. To some degree, I think crushes are normal, you can't decide how you feel but you can decide how you act. I suppose I'm talking more about when affairs become all consuming.

Yes I agree. You can't help feelings but you are the one who decides whether to act on them or not for sure.

It's an addiction. I've felt so good, so appreciated, attractive and loved. He got me exactly where he wanted to. All praises made me feel alive and wanting more and more every day. In the end, he only wanted to possess me as his loveable toy. He is married and he's never wanted to leave his family. It was only a game for him and almost destroyed my life. I'll never let an illusion destroy my reality again.

I think the question is - should anyone be with the person they are cheating on - and should anyone be deceived into staying in a relationship when they are being cheated on? What would you say OP?

This is almost certainly what happened with my H many years ago (15) but I find out about 3 years ago-- as he had a drawer stuffed full of poems/songs he wrote/musings about it that i found by chance. All I can say is to some extent I realise anyone can have an infatuation/crush , life isn't black and white, but when it goes beyond something in your head and creates actions be it secretive meetings (the object of the infatuation may not know they are secret) you risk a great deal. Whilst its not necessarily an affair as such, it certainly can devastate a loved partner , who cant quite believe it of you and feels a mug for believeing all those 'just friends' kind of comments and it definitely can create mistrust and damage the relationship a lot. A bit of a crush at work is often used to help the day go with a slight buzz, or it can be a sign that someone has 'something' that your partner doesn't have and that you miss/like but if you are partnered up happily, all I can say is 'keep it totally in your head and don't do anything stupid'. My H is kind of living with the consequences of me not quite feeling the same to be honest.

It's an addiction. I've felt so good, so appreciated, attractive and loved. He got me exactly where he wanted to.

Listen to yourself, it's so vomit inducingly cringey . The fact is you made a choice, every single day, to remain in a relationship with a married man. Own your decisions and take responsibility for your actions rather then wallowing in victimhood.

@Dadaist and @PanGalaticGargleBlaster

I'm not taking out my responsibility. It was my choice and I was feeling guilty every single day. I was not the victim but like a person addicted to a drug you know that you are doing wrong but you keeping going because it feels so good to you. Likewise, you ruin your life doing it. That's what happened to me. It puts adrenaline and risk into your boring life and then you suffer the consequences.

I understand how it feels. There’s definitely an addictive nature to it.
I could see what I was doing was wrong and damaging to all concerned yet I could not stop.
I’ve battled with constant intrusive thoughts about a married man I was involved with.
I’m currently NC with him and it’s hard, but getting better.

No judgement here at all.

@Pookypoo @Teenagekicks2 I except that it's a very strong emotion, I'm not sure that you 'couldn't help yourselves.' You did have power over your actions and letting these feelings develop further. Did you both stay in your relationships? Is there any point knowing you could feel more strongly about someone other than your DH? Do you think the feelings were intensified by the fact that you couldn't have the other person? How would you feel if your partners felt this was about someone else. Genuinely interested.

@Teenagekicks2 I wasn’t suggesting you haven’t taken responsibility-and I think an affair can be exactly like a drug addiction!

But - if you are led to cheat on someone- not momentarily but habitually, should you really be with the person you are cheating on? If you can deceive them so selfishly, do you really want to continue a relationship with them? And if you do, do they deserve you?

Bullshit spouted by women to justify crushes and affairs

100% agree with this. It’s as embarrassing as men claiming “sex addiction” for affairs.

People know the difference between right and wrong. Giving it some bullshit label doesn’t water it down

Sounds a bit like when I was 12 and thought I would die if I didn't marry Midge Ure!