Never been so miserable in my life

[Casander]

10 days ago I gave birth to what feels like the most miserable grumpy screaming baby on the planet. She screams constantly, she screams if I hold her, if I don't hold her, just generally the entire time she's awake. Which is most of the time as not only is she miserable, I'm pretty sure she's also a baby vampire that doesn't need to sleep. Ever.
She's on gavisgon for reflux, which in turn has made her constipated which makes it worse.

DH, who before now was a pretty useful functioning human has turned out to be a useless fucking lump. He's back at work already, which isn't his fault but it means I'm doing all day, all night as well as all the general house stuff. Unless I specifically ask him to do a task, he doesn't do it. He's never been like this before I had her, we always shared housework and he just did it without me asking nagging, like a normal functioning adult so I don't know where this has come from. I snapped at him at 5am this morning and asked if he could actually be a fucking parent because I'd been up with her screaming since 3 whilst he lay with his back to me sleeping.

I've had a section and picked up an infection, I feel poorly, exhausted and utterly miserable and depressed. I just sit sobbing by myself, and then I feel guilty because she hates me and don't think I can love her

Oh Casander no advice, just big hugs. That sounds really tough and those first days are a roller coaster ride even without all that. Been there, and done that with the refluxy baby - he's six now and that seems like a lifetime ago but at the time it was so hard. She definitely doesn't hate you, you'll get there.

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this, newborns can be very very hard work and your husband should be supporting you. Are you bf or ff? If using formula then when your husband gets back from work, hand the baby over alongside a list some easy housework tasks and disappear for some alone time, you need a break to function. It's unfortunate that your husband has gone down the route of being a useless shit, mine did the same, but you may be able to nip it in the bud by having serious words.

Speak to your HV about how you are feeling, it may be PND. However, I felt awfully depressed once the sleep deprivation kicked in but it was because I had zero support from DP. Doing everything alone is bound to make you feel awful. Do you have your parents nearby to help?

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I know it's so cliche but it really does get better.
The first few weeks are always the hardest even with a chilled out baby.

Do you have any friends or family that could come and help you out by taking baby so you can have a rest?
Also, please speak to your health visitor as it sounds like you may need some support from them.

Also tell DH to pull his finger out and stop being a useless shit head. He made the baby as well so he has to step up!

I hope things settle for you soon xx

Firstly, she most certainly does not hate you. Babies aren’t capable of hate so don’t worry about that bit. Secondly, people like to perpetuate this bullshit image of post birth being wonderful and lovely and you are an earth mother connecting with your baby in every level blah blah blah. It’s damaging crap. 10 days pp I was sweating buckets, throwing up and crying. There was nothing magical about it. I had steps in my head that I went through when DD kicked off. Check hungry, bum, burp. None of these then walking cuddles around the room. None of these then I just gave up and rode it out

Do you have a swing chair? I know a couple of friends swore by it.

Oh bless you OP.
This is THE single most exhausting time of your life.
Have you spoken to the HV?
What is being suggested for the crying?
Your DD is only 10 days old.
You have a lot of adjusting to do, as does your DH!
He needs to step up now.
Get the HV to have a word with him.
Have they checked you out for PND?
You can and you will love her.
But right now YOU need some help and support.
Do you have any family who would be willing to step up?
You have had a major operation. Your DH needs to realise this.
Congratulations on your DD.

My godson was exactly like this, he screamed and cried and just would not settle. At 6 months he was diagnosed with having a silent reflux and put onto dairy free formula that was prescribed. He was immediately so much better.

If you are bf then maybe exclude dairy from your diet and see if this helps?

Oh gosh I feel for you so much.

DS was a colicky baby so we had one day of nice baby time (albeit tiring) and then that was it. He cried and cried and cried. He suffered terribly with colic or what we thought was colic.

We tried everything, gripe water, infacol, dentinox. Eventually we tried Colief which is for lactose intolerance. Their guts are so young and sometimes not developed enough for milk, I cut out dairy and that was it. Magical. No more hysterical screaming from 6pm til 8pm.

It was awful. OH and I were strained and stressed and I didnt want to go anywhere because he would just scream.

It does pass i promise. She doesn't hate you. She's just really in pain bless her.

Also, please dont give a toss about the house. Seriously. I didnt do anything for the first 3 months or so. OH looked after us and brought me food when I needed it. He kept the place running. This is what you need. Give him a list of things to keep ticking over whilst you concentrate on baby. He can also take baby whilst you go for a bath or shower and look after yourself a bit.

It does get better, it really does. Dont lose hope.

Talk to your HV too, they will most likely be so understanding and helpful.

Take it easy on yourself.

Just offering a hug.
The myth of new motherhood being a time of serene bliss is just that, a myth. Your DH is out of his depth, your baby is just getting used to being a human and you are tired.
Talk to a professional. HV or GP just in case it's more than the baby blues, but rest assured (sorry, 'rest' is probably the wrong word) that it will get better.
Get your DH to take baby, screaming or not, for a walk or drive so you can catch your breath and get some sleep.

Don’t do housework. Seriously. The house is not going to fall apart in a few months. Do the absolute bare minimum.

When dh comes home hand baby over and disappear.

It is a truly shit and awful time. I had a baby just like this. And a c section, which is major surgery and you need time to recover. If a bloke had their stomach cut open you can bet he wouldn’t be waking up every 2 hours with a screaming newborn and trying to do housework!

Do you have any family support? Can you afford to hire a cleaner / support?

My first born had reflux. I had to basically hold her upright all the time and move around, dance around, carry her in a carrier. I could not even walk her in the stroller, as she would cry the entire time. It was difficult. But it does get better. Make sure to speak to someone, there are support groups, breastfeeding groups etc. Ask your midwife or health visitor to direct you.

Christ this takes me right back to DS1, dark times. That kid did nothing but cry for months. I ended up moving in with my Mum for almost three months. It does get better but right now, this instant, you need support. It might take really losing your shit with DH, handing him the baby and sodding off for an hour just to get through to him you need support. H should be able to take parental leave to give you the help you need at the moment, and be really clear spelling out to him your expectations and what you need. Hang on in there (I was on the verge of leaving DS in the supermarket several times). Also, and this might not be popular with some people, I had a revelation one day when nothing I did stopped DS crying. I lay him in the middle of the double bed and left the room, closing the door. I went downstairs and made a cuppa. I was not gone for long but it gave me a breather before I lost control of myself, I was then able to gain some perspective and return to the baby. Thinking of you.

Also, support available from this charity: www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Sending hugs. My first was like this. It gets easier and better, I promise. Hang on in there.

Practicalities first, is baby on formula (or mixed fed), or breastfed? If using formula that kind of extreme crying could be Cows Milk Protien intolerance. A change of formula could be necessary.

Stop the infant gaviscon. It does nothing but constipate. My daughter’s paediatrician was very clear it’s useless for reflux but offered to mothers as a placebo so it feels like something is being done.

Now on to you, you’ve had a major operation, an infection, a screaming baby and no sleep. Tell your GP how you are feeling, then tell your DP you are heading for PND if you don’t get some rest and he has to help out in the night AND pull his weight at home.

Please tell friends and family how you feel and ASK for help. It’s totally natural to feel like you do right now but you need to be able to rest and care for yourself too. Love for your baby will come, but right now you are exhausted and in shock it’ll get better.

Thank you everyone, I'm crying again now just knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not being dramatic! I've got two older boys, but they're 14 and 10, the 14 year old was in SCBU so by the tine he came out he slept through and the youngest was the size of a Shetland pony and only woke up to have his 3 pints of milk and go back to sleep! With such a big age gap I feel like it's my first and I'm totally out of my depth, it's funny you think it would be easier at 32 than 22!

I'm ff, and she's definitely better since she's been on gavisgon. I see the HV for the first time tomorrow, I will mention how I'm feeling but it's difficult because I've not seen the same midwife yet and I don't know the HV at all so I've got no relationship with either of them, I feel a bit alone there, and unable to say "Hi, I know I've never met you before but I think my baby needs an exorcism"

My mum and my sister both only live down the road and have been fab, I actually feel a bit better just writing out how I'm feeling on here and knowing I'm not alone, guess I've got to take a deep breath and muddle through, mainly because it's too early for alcohol and putting her in the bin is frowned upon lol

Sorry xposted, yeah she's ff, that's interesting re gavisgon, she's definitely not being sick but probably is more uncomfortable if I really think about it. I've judged it on the projectile vomiting really, not on her overall.

Hi casander your post took me straight back 22 years . Yes it is fucking hard but the fact that you are able to joke about it is an excellent sign!
Keep taking all the help you can get and ask your 'D' H how he plans to spend his eow with the screaming baby once you are divorced.

Oh the first few weeks of a newborn are a living hell, aren't they?

Don't do housework. Give the baby to dh when he comes in and go to your mum's and hide for an hour.

I had my little boy 2 years ago and my other son is 13 so completely get the whole feeling like a new mum again, so much has changed! I also had a c-section with the 2yo and it is hard work, I didn't realise it would be so hard with the discomfort of that! Babies are shit lol they scream, shit, sleep, repeat and it feels like a complete vicious circle especially when you have useless other halves! Just remember, we have all done it, all been there, and now I get to deal with the terrible twos, wait for that to hit you square in the face.......... :) x

You poor thing. I have four children, and was a nursery nurse, a foster carer and a childminder. I had PND with my second baby, so I understand the utter misery of that. I childminded a 7 month old boy who cried ALL the time, and was so bad that when I took the children into town one day, I took them into ELC, so at least the other little ones could play for a while whilst I tried to calm him. The shop assistants ended up taking it in turns to carry him around. His mother told me that when her Mum offered to have him for a couple of hours, she got back to find her Mum standing on the front door step holding him. her Mum didn't invite her in, just thrust the baby at her and said "Take him, just take him!" I also fostered a baby from one day old until she was 5 months. She, like your little girl, screamed night and day. When she was 15 months old she was diagnosed with multiple allergies, including milk and eggs. She had obviously been in pain. It was hard enough for me to cope with, and I hadn't just given birth. The best advice you have been given is to speak to the health visitor. A good HV is your best friend in these circumstances. She will have experience of this, and will get you the help you need. If offered medication, please take it. It helps. Sending you a hug.

This was me two years ago. DS2 has CMPA and had silent reflux as well so a dairy free diet/formula and ranitidine saved him. He was a lovely baby after that.

Your joke about putting her in the bin made me both guffaw and want to hug you as that is exactly how I felt then. And I had a useful DH and no infection.

Go back to the GP and demand more help re. the screaming. You're doing brilliantly even though you feel like you're drowning 💐

First off,dear,you are not alone at all. Nineteen years ago I had abdominal surgery then a c section a few days later. The first incision got infected and it was just awful. My kid came out of NICU screaming and continued for eight months. He had reflux and was on Rx for it. He went on soy based formula which helped. I honestly thought I was going to have a screener until he went to University! Oh he hated his car seat with a passion! Stay strong you are amazing to have three children! Best of luck

Hello lovely, I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.
I don't know if it'll be any help but one of my babies (20+yrs ago though) had terrible reflux/colic snd screamed and cried what seemed constantly. There was a gaviscon type product that didn't work at all, including the constipation however my lovely midwife recommended changing to gripe water, and a baby soya milk product.
It work brilliantly so maybe it's worth asking your HV about it.
I was also advised to give boiled water to help ease the constipation and that did help too.
Hope you get through it, honestly it does usually get easier at some point.
Big unmumsnetty hugs though

Buy a swing chair. My baby had terrible reflux and screamed day and night for about 7 months. The swing was the only thing that helped. And get your baby onto loser/omeprazole it’s stronger and far better. Gaviscon will only make your baby constipated as you say.

and putting her in the bin is frowned upon lol
That made me LOL.
So you've not lost your sense of humour OP!
You will muddle through.
You know you will.
But you have a vent on here when ever you want to.
And lean on your family and friends as much as you need to.