Never been so miserable in my life

[Casander]

10 days ago I gave birth to what feels like the most miserable grumpy screaming baby on the planet. She screams constantly, she screams if I hold her, if I don't hold her, just generally the entire time she's awake. Which is most of the time as not only is she miserable, I'm pretty sure she's also a baby vampire that doesn't need to sleep. Ever.
She's on gavisgon for reflux, which in turn has made her constipated which makes it worse.

DH, who before now was a pretty useful functioning human has turned out to be a useless fucking lump. He's back at work already, which isn't his fault but it means I'm doing all day, all night as well as all the general house stuff. Unless I specifically ask him to do a task, he doesn't do it. He's never been like this before I had her, we always shared housework and he just did it without me asking nagging, like a normal functioning adult so I don't know where this has come from. I snapped at him at 5am this morning and asked if he could actually be a fucking parent because I'd been up with her screaming since 3 whilst he lay with his back to me sleeping.

I've had a section and picked up an infection, I feel poorly, exhausted and utterly miserable and depressed. I just sit sobbing by myself, and then I feel guilty because she hates me and don't think I can love her

Can your mum come round and cook you dinner / clean the bathroom / hold the baby while you have a shower?

Just offering some sympathy from afar and (maybe) some hope!
DD was very similar - no reflux and was BF but still a screaming anti-sleep activist and mother hating demon none the less. I can remember those early days and I truly hated them, I just remember thinking I wish I'd never had her 😔
However, it DOES get better. No real useful advice as I know nothing about reflux etc but just to reiterate what others have said, you're not alone and it will improve. I can't even remember when it got better, just slowly and gradually I got an extra hour here and there. I got into a routine. And then things fell into place. Can any friends/ family help you out so you can get an hours peace?
My DD is 9 years old now and, while she still has a massive attitude problem, I do love her very very much. She's an amazingly funny, intelligent and opinionated little girl who I wouldn't swap for the world. And she sleeps 😁

Many many years ago I gave birth to a screeching gremlin who never shut the fuck up. They grew into the nicest, loving child and now they are an adult that I am so proud to call mine.

Newborns are no joke. Especially the ones the scream and won’t sleep. You’ve just spent 9 months growing a human whilst parenting two other children; you’ve had a csec and now you’ve got an infection. Throw in zero sleep and yeah it’s miserable. Defo discuss pnd with HV but I often think we jump straight to diagnosing (then possibly medicating) pnd when actually it’s the effect of the things I mentioned above. Who wouldn’t be miserable? You’ve done this twice before. You know it’ll change over time, slowly but surely.

In the meantime do whatever is necessary to make life easy. Come here to offload. Sometimes that is all you need.

Can you afford a cleaner (saved my marriage for a while 😏) or could you mum/sister help out with laundry/meals? Or just watching baby whilst you get your head down for a few hours..?

Is there a cranial osteopath in your area? They can work wonders for colicky babies.

Definitely discuss it with your HV. They have heard it all before and should have some good advice.

My eldest had reflux, but used to swallow a lot of it. I was told it was quite acidic when they did this which was painful for them. Does baby wind well? I get trapped wind sometimes and it's absolute agony so I always feel for babies.

Awww I’m sending a massive massive hug your way! ❤️ You will start to feel better over the next couple of weeks honey I promise you will xxx

Oh god you poor thing. I remember feeling like I'd made an awful mistake when my first was born. And then feeling guilty for having such awful thoughts about my child. In reality I was really ill and depressed. I'd say this:

1. Lean on your mum and sister for support and for breaks and practical help.
2. Tell your husband you're really struggling and you need him now. He has to step up.
3. Do minimum of housework. The least you can possibly get away with.
4. Does your baby calm down in the car? Mine did. Strap him in and go for a long drive. Put some music on. Try and relax your body.

Sending you all the unMumsnetty hugs and moral support over the ether that I can. I know how hard it can be.

It's so hard being a mum for the first time, it turns your life upside down. You have also had a major operation which in itself is exhausting never mind the constant needs of your baby. You just need to have faith in yourself, keep calm because your little one will pick up if your stressed seek advice from your health visitor. I had to much much advice off people when I had my little one and I found it over whelming. He also had colic which was awful but everything you go through just makes you a stronger person. You are doing great.

@Casander
I was just seeing how you are doing ? X

Cranial osteopathy if you have anyone near you.
My niece had been tucked under her Mum's ribs and one session resulted in a different baby.

I brought everyone of mine on the back of seeing my niece.

Please allow the house to take a back seat.

So sorry to hear your husband is being so unhelpful. Unforgivable.
💐

OP talking to your HV is definitely the right step. You're under a lot of stress right now.

You should talk to your partner about taking some compassionate sick leave, this way he will be able to take the pressure off for a little while.

A baby massage class is also something I would recommend for you. It's soothing for your baby and it will also help you to bond with her. It's in a structured environment with other mums feeling the same stresses and strains as you are.

You're not alone. You're not the only one who ever has or ever will feel like this. It will get better

Hi! Thank you for thinking of me! She's now 11 weeks today and although things got worse before they got better everyone is a lot happier. I ended up with PND (well I still have really) I only saw my health visitor twice, and had no support from her. She was supposed to refer me to groups but I never heard anything.

Baby was diagnosed with CMPA and is now on prescription milk which has helped massively, I'm also going back to work as although I've tried to do the baby groups etc for my own mental health I need the 'break' from her, it came to a head when I ended up driving off in my car on my own one night for hours and scaring everyone to death.

After I wrote the first post I sat down with DH and told him how I was feeling and in fairness he's been brilliant ever since, the sleep deprivation at the time wasn't helping either of us but she's sleeping through now so we're not permanently exhausted which helps. I remember sobbing to him to ring the midwife to "come and take her back" and him trying to gently suggest that wasn't a 'thing' and we couldn't just return her

I really admire your honesty. I'm sure all of us at some point can relate to a certain part of what your saying if not all. Being a mum is hard work but you sound like you are doing brilliant and finding a happy medium of balance that works for you. X

Well done, you're a real inspiration to others who are struggling. I went back to work part time after PND and it really helped.

My third had undiagnosed silent reflux, it was like the HV just didn't hear/believe when I said she was awake and crying/screaming ALL day bar the 6 hours she slept passed out overnight.

It was utter hell, she may well be full lactose intolerant or need stronger than gaviscon.

My phone was playing up and didn't see your update. Glad things have improved!