DP ignoring me when I need his support

[Blueshoess]

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I guess I’m just feeling really let down and hurt right now and needed a place to vent.

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years, we’re both in our 30s. I have a child from a previous relationship, he doesn’t have any and has been on his own about 7 years before meeting me. We don’t live together due to me wanting to take it slow as my son is my first priority, but we’ve been talking about us moving in with him and marriage etc.

The relationship has some issues, but I thought things were getting better recently. The main issue has been his lack of emotional awareness, he doesn’t seem to know how to offer support if I need some. I’m not needy, I don’t text or hound him, I would say I’m pretty laid back about most things - it’s just little things like hearing me out if I’ve had a crappy day, checking in on me on important events or asking about them afterwards eg: job interviews, things that are important to me like speaking at work events etc. It’s like I’m out of sight out of mind most of the time.

There’s been occasions when I’ve been upset and I’ve seeked emotional comfort from him and he’ll just ignore my text and then call me 2 days later and make a joke to ask if I’ve come on my period yet or whatever. We’ve talked about how much this upsets me, I’m quite isolated where I live as this isn’t my home town - I moved here so I could coparent with my ex.
So he understands that maybe I need a little more emotional support than the norm, he has many times acknowledged this and together we’ve talked about what helps and what doesn’t. The main one being - please don’t ignore me, I would rather you say “I don’t know what to say right now but I hear you” or something rather than blank silence for days.

So recently - this week I’ve had to take emergency leave to fly to America to visit my Mum who is very unwell, with what we believe is early onset dementia. It’s a really stressful time for me as I’m so worried about her and the family are relying on me and my healthcare background to convince her to go for a scan which she is so far refusing. I flew at the weekend, he knew I was going and he didn’t call me or text me all weekend to check in or catch up before I left. I playfully messaged him:
“Safe flight X”
“Aww thanks”
“See you when you’re back in 2 weeks?”
“of course”

In hindsight it probably came across passive aggressive, but it was honestly supposed to be a playful gentle nudge to remind him that i was leaving that day.
He text back saying I needed to calm myself down/ stop sending abuse to him/ I’m hard work. There was a bit of back and forth bickering where I admit I got angry and said I didn’t need this bickering when I was on my way to see my Mum/told him to not bother contacting me unless it is an apology for blowing up like that.

Well he replied saying that I shouldn’t hold my breath and that not to contact him again.
We’ve been together 4 years and he’s just ended it so impulsively?!
I thought today (3 days later) he may have calmed and reflected on it all, so I sent a message saying if he’s okay and he’s just ignored me completely.

I’m not apologising because I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. How can someone say they want to marry you one week and the next just bin you off via text when you’re about to board a flight?!

Sorry this is so long, I’m happy to be told I’m a pain in the arse - I probably am, but I don’t think I’ve ever been too needy or asked for things which are too much?

I don't understand his reaction. That short text conversation you posted seems completely normal!

Sorry, just to clarify - the short text conversation wasn’t a conversation - I sent the messages to him as he hadn’t been in touch as I was leaving. So I was playfully saying
oh have a safe flight
Aww thanks
See you in 2 weeks?
Yes of course.

I sent them all at once as I was in the airport and feeling a bit miffed that he had not been in touch to wish me safe travels. It was about midday so wasn’t an unreasonable time and he wasn’t working.

You identified the problem a while ago; he wasn't providing the companionship that is reasonably expected in a relationship. You asked him to improve and he didn't.

Honestly it's sad, but that should be the end of the relationship. There isn't much more you can or should do.

Sorry you're going through this, and sorry to read about your mother.

Oh, I see what you mean now. I guess that's a little passive-aggressive, but it's also a completely normal level of passive-aggressiveness from a person who has told her partner that he lacks in providing emotional support when she's about to board a plane to deal with an emotional thing. If he's using this as an excuse to break up with you instead of recognizing that perhaps this is a time when that support is needed, you're not the one who has a problem. Your message might have been "hard work," but only because he pushed you to that point.

You can't make someone care. You might be better off without him. I'm so sorry. He sucks and so does what you're going through.

I'd say you've dodged a bullet. He'd already shown that he wasn't emotionally available to you. You'd been putting up with it for the most part and he's been paying you lip service when you've complained. And then he's continued to ignore your need for support.

But your mum's illness is a HUGE thing, unlike a job interview or a 'bad day'. Even the most emotionally dense person would realize the magnitude of that. Your messages showed him that you seriously DO expect him to give you emotional support when you really need it. Yes, it was a bit PA, but it also finally got your point across to him. And what was his response? He dumped you. It goes to show you that he had no intention of getting so emotionally involved in your relationship as to necessitate him actually having to put forth the effort to 'be there' for you, even in a small way.

You are so so so much better off without him. And I think you'll begin to feel it soon. It's amazing how 'light' one feels when one is able to dump the mental load of wondering constantly "Why doesn't he ever.....?" about some worthless jack-wad.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through with your mum. My mum has severe dementia and it is truly a bitch. Sending you positive thoughts and strength.

Thank you all for being kind, I really appreciate it right now.
I’m really worried about my mum as she doesn’t yet have a diagnosis but things are really bad with her memory and it’s been a very difficult couple of days (with her living in the states I don’t see her much so coming over I’ve noticed how much she has deteriorated) she’s been so confused and today she mentioned a few times that my little sister (14) is adopted because she doesn’t have a mam. It’s breaking my heart and then I thought my boyfriend of 4 years, who last week was talking about marriage and children of our own, is acting as if I don’t exist.

I expect that once I’m back in the UK he will be back in touch to ask if we can talk about it. I feel so vulnerable to needing comfort right now that I’ll need to be tough and lean on others rather than him. Your kind words have given me confidence that I need to stop expecting from someone who is unable to offer that to me. Thank you.

What a waste of space. Please get rid OP. He is taking the piss.

Well your message was a bit passive aggressive but it certainly wasn’t abusive. The fact it felt like hard work to him says a lot. He wants the relationship on his terms. No emotional investment. That’s pretty crap. I’d say not to contact him again. Find somebody who can support you. It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship to be honest. A really important time for you when you needed support and again he’s just not there for you. What’s the point in this relationship?

You saw him for what he is from the beginning. Why did you think he would change?

So sorry about your mum OP.

To be fair to him, he has always been uninterested in supporting you emotionally. His behaviour is pretty true to form and it was a bit unreasonable for you to expect him to change?

Since he is someone who doesn't like feelings, it also makes sense that he's broken it off via text. Again very true to form.

It is a bullet dodged although I appreciate that's probably not very comforting at present. He has very obviously not ever been the man for you. It is good that it has now ended, this means at least you have a chance to.meet someone who actually meets your needs x

Sorry about your mum. You are well rid of the boyfriend, he’s training you to accept whatever crumbs of relationship he can be bothered with. I think you will feel less lonely on your own. I wouldn’t bother to contact him again.

You identified the problem a while ago; he wasn't providing the companionship that is reasonably expected in a relationship. You asked him to improve and he didn't.

It’s been 4 years!!! There isn’t a more empathetic version of him waiting around the corner. This is who he is, accept it (not recommended) or move on.

He sounds like an arse OP. Lots of men (and indeed women) struggle to give emotional support to their partner in the most empathetic way, but honestly this guy is another level. Dumping you by text after four years because of some silly trying-to-be-funny text messages? That’s not just unsupportive - it’s actively cruel.

Yeah your message was passive aggressive (don't pretend it was lighthearted) but it was completely justified and he's a selfish knob.

Respect his wishes and don't contact him again. You've dodged a bullet there.

If he can't even be arsed to contact you to ask how a job interview went he's never going to be the man you need to support you through a dementia diagnosis for your DM.

I hope she's ok x

Someone you don't speak to for a whole weekend and then doesn't even mention you going to America (!) isn't a DP. He sounds horrible and you sound lovely, you deserve far more. Sorry to hear about your mum.

He's been single for 7 years before you got together, maybe there's a reason for that.

The message sound like the sort of thing I'd have done to be fair, you were annoyed and it could have been much worse!
He's not going to change and it doesn't sound like he really wants to tbh. A word of warning though, he's likely to reappear once things with your mum are on an even keel and try to charm his way back in..... don't let that happen!
I hope you get some answers and some help for your mum soon

Don't contact him and when he does get back in touch make him sweat. I would be seriously considering this relationship, he does not sound worth it or you.

I mean you are worth more

He sounds awful I honestly can't believe that he didn't even text or ring to wish you luck for the trip, my jaw practically hit the floor reading that he sounds like an emotionally arrested nasty idiot. And yes, there's a good reason for him being single for 7 years before.

A friend of mine would say "stop going to the butchers expecting to buy vegetables"..... you know he can't offer you empathy and support so stop expecting it. You need to decide if you can live with his lack of support or not ... good luck and big hug about your mum.

Sorry about your mum that's really tough

Your man just isn't that into you I'm afraid

He's an ass who won't change, you are better without him! I'm sorry about your DM

It sounds as if you didn’t cross his mind when you went away so he didn’t bother/think to send a text. If he’s not thinking of you or considering your feelings after four years, I think it’s best it is ended.

I’m sorry about your mum.

This man simply can’t give you want you need from a relationship and he doesn’t want to learn. He is who he is. Time to find someone more suitable.