DP ignoring me when I need his support

[Blueshoess]

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I guess I’m just feeling really let down and hurt right now and needed a place to vent.

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years, we’re both in our 30s. I have a child from a previous relationship, he doesn’t have any and has been on his own about 7 years before meeting me. We don’t live together due to me wanting to take it slow as my son is my first priority, but we’ve been talking about us moving in with him and marriage etc.

The relationship has some issues, but I thought things were getting better recently. The main issue has been his lack of emotional awareness, he doesn’t seem to know how to offer support if I need some. I’m not needy, I don’t text or hound him, I would say I’m pretty laid back about most things - it’s just little things like hearing me out if I’ve had a crappy day, checking in on me on important events or asking about them afterwards eg: job interviews, things that are important to me like speaking at work events etc. It’s like I’m out of sight out of mind most of the time.

There’s been occasions when I’ve been upset and I’ve seeked emotional comfort from him and he’ll just ignore my text and then call me 2 days later and make a joke to ask if I’ve come on my period yet or whatever. We’ve talked about how much this upsets me, I’m quite isolated where I live as this isn’t my home town - I moved here so I could coparent with my ex.
So he understands that maybe I need a little more emotional support than the norm, he has many times acknowledged this and together we’ve talked about what helps and what doesn’t. The main one being - please don’t ignore me, I would rather you say “I don’t know what to say right now but I hear you” or something rather than blank silence for days.

So recently - this week I’ve had to take emergency leave to fly to America to visit my Mum who is very unwell, with what we believe is early onset dementia. It’s a really stressful time for me as I’m so worried about her and the family are relying on me and my healthcare background to convince her to go for a scan which she is so far refusing. I flew at the weekend, he knew I was going and he didn’t call me or text me all weekend to check in or catch up before I left. I playfully messaged him:
“Safe flight X”
“Aww thanks”
“See you when you’re back in 2 weeks?”
“of course”

In hindsight it probably came across passive aggressive, but it was honestly supposed to be a playful gentle nudge to remind him that i was leaving that day.
He text back saying I needed to calm myself down/ stop sending abuse to him/ I’m hard work. There was a bit of back and forth bickering where I admit I got angry and said I didn’t need this bickering when I was on my way to see my Mum/told him to not bother contacting me unless it is an apology for blowing up like that.

Well he replied saying that I shouldn’t hold my breath and that not to contact him again.
We’ve been together 4 years and he’s just ended it so impulsively?!
I thought today (3 days later) he may have calmed and reflected on it all, so I sent a message saying if he’s okay and he’s just ignored me completely.

I’m not apologising because I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. How can someone say they want to marry you one week and the next just bin you off via text when you’re about to board a flight?!

Sorry this is so long, I’m happy to be told I’m a pain in the arse - I probably am, but I don’t think I’ve ever been too needy or asked for things which are too much?

Sorry about your mum op.

I think he isn't capable of holding you in mind and has no emotional intelligence. This was never going to be an emotionally fulfilling relationship and you are better off looking for a new partner who can speak to your heart.

How is your sister coping?

OP, it does not sound as though your DP is bringing you much and there is a consensus here that he's not what you need and he's not going to change.

Honestly OP, he sounds like a bit of an arse. Not a malicious, hurtful arse, more the unthinking and take-you-for-granted, minimum-effort, garden variety of arse. You can so better and deserve better.

Please take a minute to pat yourself on the back: you are a great mum who has put her son first (in going slow with relationships), you are clearly intelligent and have a good profession, and your family trusts you and your training to intervene on your mum's behalf. You are doing your best in a terrible situation, you were ready to drop everything to help your mum. Take a deep breath and tell yourself how super you are.

Finally, having a partner who thinks of you, who meets you half way, who listens to your bad days and celebrates your work acheivements and who generally looks out for you IS NOT A HIGH BAR and you totally deserve someone on your level. If "D"P does get back in touch just because you're back in country so therefore "available" just send a text to say "I'm looking for someone more on my wavelength. Our relationship is over. Take care of yourself."

Big hugs and for you. xx

I've just split up from a man like this.

He could only sympathise and empathise if it was a situation that he had direct experience of. He literally could not imagine how he would feel in a situation, so he couldn't offer any empathy or comfort. Things just weren't mentioned (he never once asked me how I felt about anything, from my mum dying to my dog being put to sleep, to a drastic job change). It was a bit like dating a robot, who had been told about feelings, but had no idea what they were supposed to do with them.

I think you should stay split up OP. He is never going to suddenly turn into a warm, caring person, he doesn't know how.

He's emotionally unavailable.
He's unsupportive.
He doesn't give a shit about you.
Be glad he has ended it.
Now block him.
Concentrate on your DM and look after yourself.
He's sounds utterly pointless.
Stop flogging this dead horse and move on!

OP. If I was going through this, my DP would be taking me to the airport himself ! Not because I asked but because that's the kind of person he is. And if he couldn't do that he would definitely be texting nice supportive stuff and trying to cheer me up to take my mind off things. You may have been PA but honestly that's a minor slip considering all you're going through. I'm not one for LTB Usually but is it honestly worth having someone you can't rely on for supper and comfort?

This relationship is over OP. He just doesn't care about you and he's made that perfectly clear. He doesn't love you and he only cares about you meeting his needs. Please just block him and move on. I wouldn't bother with an explanation. He should have gone with you to the airport and seen you off, he knew you were upset and he should have comforted you. You have spoken to him about this and made your feelings clear and he hasn't stepped up. We step up for those we love and cherish. You are accepting crumbs.

Bloke's a wanker. End of. xxx

Best wishes for you and your family xxxxx

Sorry he's a dick. Your small passive aggressive act does not equal his years of emotional neglect. Him having a tantrum while your mum is poorly is the height of selfishness. Don't waste any more time on him.

Sorry OP, your partner is so selfish when your mum is potentially going through something so horrible.

To not even text is disgusting, my partner isn't the most emotionally open person in the world but he would absolutely message me and be there in this situation. I dont understand how someone who supposedly loves you wouldn't even message?

Sounds like he's been this way for a while OP and you need to cut loose and find a man you deserve.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, OP

I'd take full advantage of this opportunity to cut all contact with him. Try to begin moving on in your mind, and physically block him on your phone and other places if you can.

You've tried to get across how things are for you and the emotional support you need in life. It's a normal level of support, you're not asking for anything over the top or extraordinary. He will not give you this support. It's time for you to move on and find someone who wants to love and support you.