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Funny/disastrous date thread

43 replies

Monsoonx · 20/11/2019 18:03

Apologies if this has already been done, I know a lot of us have been on bad dates which have left us disheartened, but I thought it may be nice to make a light-hearted thread about some of the funny experiences we have had.

I think mine was someone I met on a night out. Early in the date he announced, "oh by the way, I'm moving to Australia next month." and then halfway through told me that he had 'forgotten' to pay for a belt the previous day and could we go pay for it, so we had to get the bus to some shop so he could do. On the way, he seemed to know EVERYONE so we had to keep stopping every minute.
Decided I didn't fancy seeing him again, and after 2 weeks of no news he randomly texted me : "Do you prefer classical or hip hop?"

Would love to hear other people's stories !

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 20/11/2019 18:31

I once met a guy through online dating and he seemed really nice at first. Until he told me he had a daughter (not an issue in itself) who he only saw once every 6-8 weeks! This was by his own choosing. I believe he liked his party lifestyle too much.

He went on to say that he had been on a few dates with ‘fat lasses’ and proceeded to tell them this is how he viewed them after making fun of their menu choices during the date and admitted he had ditched a few girls when they went to the toilet.

I thought what a total scum bag.

He went to the toilet, I left. Karma!

SpideySenses99 · 20/11/2019 18:39

Oh. There are so many.
Turned up to an OLD 1st date and realised the photos of the man in question (We will call him BC for Brown Cardigan) was a lot different irl to his very flattering / filtered / from a distance photos. Not initially an issue but i knew straight away by how he walked (I know.... so judgy, but you have to believe me) and how he was staring at me i didnt fancy him.
We go to a thai restaurant BC had chosen.
Bc orders 3 main courses for himself and sides and starts to get drunk on beer (Im driving... so he is Hmm) whilst i pick over my pad thai and sip on my water.
The meal takes an agonising 2.5hrs whilst he whined on about his love of sanding wood.
The £95 bill comes and he says "we should split it" .... and in desperation to get out of there i agree.

We then said goodnight and went our seperate ways... or so i thought. He followed me back to my car, and as i pulled off started banging on the window. I swear i wheel span away. He then started calling me relentlessly. By the time i got home he was blocked on everything... freak!

Monsoonx · 20/11/2019 18:51

Oh wow, those are awful 😂😂 @Heartburn888 good on you for leaving, sounds like a douche !
@spideysenses that is hilarious, i'm not surprised you sped off ! "love of sanding wood"

I also had one once who turned up 45 minutes late (why on earth did I wait !!) then sat incredibly close to me, wouldn't tell me his age when I asked and started talking about 'objectivity and subjectivity'.
I had an 'émergency' and left.

Another one who would burst into fits of laughter when I said anything that was sad. Not like nervous laughter but full-on laughter. Laughed his head off when I told him I taught English to people who had been made redundant ?

Then said my parents were 'tight' because unlike his they didn't pay my phone bill etc. In my 20s 😂

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 20/11/2019 18:56

There was a guy that tactfully asked who was looking after my children that night. 'Their dad' I replied. 'Oh...so...are they all at the same place?' Mate, if you wanna ask if my kids have the same dad, just ask. (They're twins btw! Hmm)

Then there was the guy that I'd seen a few times and seemed nice. Then went into a completely abusive rage because the football team I support was playing in a major international game and I didn't respond to his texts for 90 minutes. As well as calling me a bitch and other vile things, he text with: 'Stop fucking ignoring me, it's only a game!' BLOCKED!

But I think the one that took the biscuit was the bloke that told me after 5 minutes of meeting that he couldn't spend the night because he had community service the next morning at 7am. I should have seen the assumption that I'd be inviting him to stay as a red flag, but stupidly I went on to ask what misdemeanour had resulted in said community service. He proceeded to tell me in great detail how he had violently assaulted his mothers next door neighbour and vandalized his car due to a dispute over a fence. Whilst.Laughing.Hysterically.

SpideySenses99 · 20/11/2019 18:58

Gosh. You've reminded me of 1 date that i made an 'emergency' exit from OP.
This VERY good looking guy turned up for an OLD 1st date. I realised within about 20 minutes he was so thick he could barely string a full sentence together. Didnt understand words over about 7 letters long. It was hard work. So i had an 'emergency' and left.

I shit you not he turned up to fix a scratch on a friend / colleagues car the week after. Just a major co-incidence. I hid until he had leftBlush

Menora · 20/11/2019 19:01

I have way way too many

-Ferret in car
-Homeless
-Gave me a psychological assessment

  • Obviously bored on date but too drunk to leave
Dommina · 20/11/2019 19:03

Internet date. I showed up, to a part of town he was familiar with but I wasn't. We wandered around for 30 minutes before he decided on a restaurant that was 'good enough' for first date. A bland, chain restaurant. He stuffed his face with wings, loudly slurping on each one. It was like talking to rock. Every question was met with a one word answer or grunt. No questions about myself.
He then said I reminded him of his mum... and winked. Envy (not envy)

He finally had a massive strop about splitting the bill. He wanted to do half. He had had a starter, massive main, pudding, sides and a whole bottle of expensive wine. I had a small main, child sized pudding, and one vodka soda.

I just flounced. Laugh now when I think about it!

WaningGibbous · 20/11/2019 19:05

I went on a blind date once where the bloke didn't actually talk to me at all, all evening. Luckily we were there with his mate and my mate who had set us up and even they said it was awful and that he wasn't usually like that. In front of him, as I recall.

RoseOfSharyn · 20/11/2019 19:10

@Menora You're going to have to elaborate on these. I'm chuckling already without any context.

Monsoonx · 20/11/2019 19:17

Oh good lord, cannot believe these. What do we get into 😂 at the same time it makes you realise how dangerous some people on OLD can be, and how you can't always know if they have convictions etc.

The Australia guy was French, and we were giving examples of grammar differences in English and French, and every one of his examples was about sex 🙄
He also talked about himself literally the whole time then said, "oh, i've just talked about myself haven't I ?"

OP posts:
sweepandsooty · 20/11/2019 19:25

The worst was was when I was left in a trendy bar whilst my date "went to the toilet" and never came back. He looked nothing like his pictures and I think he could tell that I didn't like him.

It was one of those noisy, crowded bars that a Z list celebrity liked to go to. I much prefer quiet pubs.

Meanwhile at the table on my own I was chatted up by someone else I wasn't interested in and made polite excuses to leave.

I thought he could have at least made a polite excuse and left and I did text and tell him off.

One of the worst text messaging experiences was when I chatted to someone who claimed he had a masters in hairdressing LMFAO Smile. I wouldn't discuss sexual stuff before even meeting him and he implied I was like a nun.

Just for the record I am not like a nun but I do like to meet someone first before sexting 😊

Interestedwoman · 20/11/2019 19:32

The main one- I was 20, the internet was only just starting to be a thing then (1997.) Unbeknownst to me I have ASD traits, which maybe made it harder for me to meet people in a conventional 20-year-old manner for the time- clubs, friends, etc- and so I chose to put an advert in Guardian Soulmates.

All these guys were in their mid 30s or so.

The main one- about 5 ft tall with ginger hair and glasses (not that there's anything wrong with any of these, but together they were bad, and when combined with his personality, worse) he had to have his trousers made bespoke for his approx size 6-8 frame, and they were in stripes of orange, brown and beige.

At one point in the 'date' I was having a cigarette and said 'I should give up, really,' He said something like 'just do this,' with a really nasty face and voice, grabbed my 1/4 smoked cigarette and bent and stubbed it out in the ashtray (I was a student who was even more crap at budgeting than the average student, so even more broke, so that really stung.)

At the end of the date with this hideous and obnoxious guy, I stepped onto the train as he stood on the platform. He was Catholic and I was in a Catholic phase that lasted a couple of months, so that explains his subsequent comment so early in the relationship. He said something like 'I'm just trying to make this work,'' as the doors of the train closed between us and I sped away!

#2 Fat, grey, short guy. Something about him suggested alcoholism. We went to a cafe where there was a through draught. My hair was blowing into my mouth, turned out he had a phobia of hair and this freaked him out. I said this wouldn't work (as I wasn't attracted to him- not that I said that) and he claimed to agree. He said something like 'the irony is that you look just like my ex girlfriend.' I'm honestly not vain but I found myself thinking that was highly unlikely!

#3 Bloke was into Neuro-Linguistic Programming in a cult like way- spent hundreds/thousands on courses etc. As we were talking he did a strange Agadoo-like movement with his hands constantly. At the end of the date I said I don't think this would work, and he agreed. He was the least worst, (though he wasn't attractive) we were interested in similar things, and if it wasn't for the Agadoo, I might've seen him again, but sadly it was a real turn-off. When he agreed it wouldn't work (which most of them probably do, for their ego) I felt like mentioning the Agadoo thing to bring it to his awareness, but I didn't.

So those were the worst. Another, more recent one, earlier this year, from PoF, was particularly bad sexually- I was attracted to him, so he left me really wound up. He had erectile problems, so I had to masturbate him for him to come at all, and he was incapable of penetrative sex (there were no real health reasons for this, though he was obese.)

So, I was really, really wound up, and he wasn't doing anything about it. I picked up my toy from the side of the bed, and said 'this is my magic wand toy, you can use it on me if you like.' He said 'Oh is that what it is- I thought it was a microphone,' and dropped it back down the side of the bed!!!? I felt like saying 'when I said "you can use it on me if you like," that wasn't really a suggestion, it was a request,' but I didn't lol. I finished with him by txt the next day, just saying I didn't think we were compatible. He didn't reply.

The moral of many of these stories is if you think something, say it.:) Hope this helps xxx

Interestedwoman · 20/11/2019 19:32

Excuse the long post lol xx

Hresdyu · 20/11/2019 19:43

Interestedwoman, I now have tears of laughter rolling down my face! Thank you.

Hresdyu · 20/11/2019 19:44

Menora please elaborate on your stories!

madcatladyforever · 20/11/2019 19:50

A dick pic before the date. He was 75, put me right off my food for days.

sweepandsooty · 20/11/2019 20:09

Interestedwoman - that really made me laugh especially as I googled agadoo and saw the hand movements Smile

Tillyscoutsmum · 20/11/2019 20:15

Oh god! Soo many. I could write a book. The joys of OLD on and off for ages.

So.

Mr foot fetish
Mr completely different person to his photo
Mr still obsessed with ex wife
Mr stalker
Mr wannabe Christian Grey
Mr micro Penis Envy

SpideySenses99 · 20/11/2019 20:24

@Tillyscoutsmum oh no, you had a micro penis experience too. I laughed, i hope you did better Grin

Tillyscoutsmum · 20/11/2019 20:32

@SpideySenses99 I managed to style it out at the time (whilst gasping inwardly!). I finished it after and felt awful. He wanted to know why because "we'd slept together and everything" Confused I'm normally really honest but I couldn't bring myself to tell him and was gobsmacked he seemed completely unaware! I mean I swear to god it was no bigger than my thumb fully erect. And I don't have especially big thumbs Shock

Peanutbuttermouth · 20/11/2019 20:36

I've had a micro penis experience too! I was so shocked I just numbly went through with it (I mean really, how can you get out of it at that late stage of the game 😲) Even worse than the poor micro penis was his phrase "could I just borrow your mouth for a minute" 🤢

Monsoonx · 20/11/2019 20:42

@peanutbuttermouth 'could I just borrow your mouth' 🤢🤢😂😂

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 20/11/2019 20:43

@SpideySenses99
'oh no, you had a micro penis experience too. I laughed, '

Nooooo, really? Grin Grin Grin How much had you had to drink lol? What happened next? :) Did he cover himself up and hurriedly leave the building?

Interestedwoman · 20/11/2019 20:46

@Peanutbuttermouth lol!

Yes, have had some very disappointing micropenis sex. Wasn't able to tell whether it was in or not- thought it better not to ask Grin

To be fair, at least that guy knew he had a small one, apologised for it etc, bless him.

SpideySenses99 · 20/11/2019 20:51

@Interestedwoman i am not proud of myself to be honest over the whole thing. It killed the moment.

It was so disappointing, i was only about 17 and he was dreamy looking and a lovely lad...i really wasnt expecting it, and my lack of maturity shone through!
Dont worry... i have looked him up a few years ago on social media, he had a gf (Who clearly didnt mind!) So i didnt destroy his confidence forever, thankfully.

And, similar to @Tillyscoutsmum it was about the length and width of my very small thumb. Really rather disasterious and he seemed to have no idea either.

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