MIL Problem.............. Do I need to get perspective???? (This may be long!!)

[ArghInLaws]

I have namechanged for this as my DH knows my other nick name!!!!

I dont know if I need to get perspective on this or not, so I turn to the wonderfull world that is MN for adice and help.

MIL and I have a relatively (sp?) good relationship, we have had our ups and downs (as have most) but for the most part we do tend to get on, generally!!!!
MIL does however complain very loudly that we (Meaning Me) do not involve her in anything in our lives.
Although she came with me and my mum (DH is an only child so she would never have gotten to do it) to choose my wedding dress, she had a (albeit small) say in the wedding. I also invited her on my hen night, and she came. She never once thanked me

MIL is signed off work indefinatley at the moment due to an operation she had about 8 weeks ago. She is ok to do most things just not walk.

DH and I have booked a 4D scan and I am really excited, I have asked my mum and dad if they would like to come and both have said yes. I asked DH if MIL would also like to come (So that we are involving her), and DH has said he would ask her.

I've just got a text off DH to say that she is thinking of going back to work so probably wont be able to make it
She has said she will let us know!!!!

I rang DH and said that I am a little shocked as I thought seeing a 4D scan of her first grandchild would be more important to her than going back to work, especially since she doesn't have to go back!!!!

TBH is has really upset me and pi**ed me off (more than I have expected it to) I can tell DH is upset and that makes me with her.

I suppose my question is, am I right to be angry with her, and should I say something, not something argumentitve but just to let her know how much she has upset DH and how angry I am.

Or should I just get a grip and some perspective????

Sorry it is so long!!!!

you need some serious perspective.
she might be about to get her life back after a significant operation and 8 weeks of being an invalide.

Tbh, I think you need to gain persective here.

Maybe she doesn't see it as 'important' & wants to wait for the real thing.

I don't think you can be that annoyed at her, sorry!

yabu. sorry, but if she can make it great, at least she hasnt let you down at the last minute. she will see the baby when its born, as great as seeing a scan wud be, maybe she really has to get back to work.

cx

It sounds like she annoys you greatly.
In which case, it would be best if she wasn't at the scan.
So not sure why you're so angry - you've kind of got what you want, haven't you?

yabu

Get over yourself!

You complain that she moans that you don't involve her and then you complain when she doesn't want to be involved.

Why on earth would you invite other people to a scan anyway? it's not a circus show.

YABU.

I think you need a bit of perspective here. First, scans are scans not get togethers to welcome new member of the family. Fine if you want to make of this a special ocassion but that doesn't mean evey one should drop everything to be with you there. More so if the woman can't even walk at the moment!

YABU - your grandchild may well become the centre of her universe but it really isn't on for you to think your pregnancy should be more important to her than getting her life back after an op! Jees, the vanity! Don't worry, she'll adore your baby.

She probably made the decision to go back to work before your DH invited her to the scan.
She was jsut being honest - if she had agreed and then backed out due to commitment to return to work, you'd probably be more pee-ed off.
Besides, if she has complained in the past that you do not involve her much, then she's probably trying not to get involved too much as well, so as not to set herself up for dissapointment in the future, IFSWIM.

Thank you, I wasn't sure if I was being reasonable to be so angry/upset. I think I am more angry/upset on behalf of DH as he sounded so upset when I called him.

I do want her to be there, but tbh more for DH than myself.

I will just put it to the back of my mind now and not think about it.

Thank you for making me see sense and getting some perspective on this.

She moans that you don't involve her.
But then you try to involve her in something so obviously special to you, and she says no...

Tbh I can see your point. Especially if you can tell dh is upset by it.

She may have good reasons, want to get back to work etc... which is fine. Perhaps just don't feel guilty anymore if you decide not to include her.

I can totally see why you are upset, why moan that you're not being involved then choose not to be involved? This is exactly the sort of thing my MIL does. However I would just think that you did the right thing by inviting her and not worry about it (wouldn't say anything either personally - not worth it)

I'm sure you'll all have a great time at the scan.
DH can always get a scan print-out for MIL.

I see what you mean greenday, but we do involve her in everything, family wise. I have to remind DH alot of the time as MIL is out of sight out of mind with DH.

Actually, I meant to ask too - why have you invited your parents for the scan? It seems a bit odd, even more so when its the first scan of your first DC.
Most people would prefer this special occassion to be shared intimately with their DP/DH.

I really don't understand why you are so cross. If she is going back to work then good luck to her!

hey if you can recognise that you were being unreasonable fair play.

Yes HC, I am really looking forward to it, and was planning on getting all the grandparents a copy of the DVD, so hopefully she will enjoy that.

In-laws .. tricky bunch, aren't they? damned if you do, damed if you don't. Can't win either way!!

greenday i'm 28 weeks and I have had all my normal scans DH and I have paid for a 4D scan. My parents didn't come to the other scans only to this one.

Actually... what is a 4D scan? I have seen the 3D ones but, so far, I have found the 4th Dimension quite elussive...

So so true greenday, I never know what to do for the best, as I dont want to upset them or leave them out.

I think it is the same as 3D scan Isababel but for some reason they call it a 4D scan!!

I don't necessarily think YABU to be upset but I don't think I would say anything unless she moans again about not being included in things and then point out that you have tried and were rebuffed.

My MIL does thoughtless things too and annoys DH as well as me but we keep quiet for the sake of peaceful relations. For example she claims always to keep the school hols free so the grandchildren can go and visit her. We had planned to go and spend a week with them at the beginning of the school hols but when suggested some date we found she had already booked holiday for herself and FIL so DC won't be able to see them at all now. We could moan but it won't make any difference. They have their life to lead I suppose but it is annoying and I can understand why you angry with MIL. Apart from anything it is not nice to see DH upset is it?

Thank you