Is this narrative about me real?

[user63212]

First post so please be kind! I dont know all the lingo yet!

Basically i am a 34 year old woman and i feel SO stressed around my family. ive never really thought about my childhood much before but as i have got older i have started to wonder why i feel different around them compared to other people.

i have a younger sister (5 years younger). the narrative has always been that i was insanely jealous of my sister because she was brilliant at singing and entered into A LOT of competitions and won, was on tv loads and part of high end choirs around the world. pretty much all my parents time was spent trying to orchestrate (pardon the pun!) her success with singing. anyway fast forward 12 years and shes in a totally different career and i have a highly regarded professional job, which has been a sticking point as my sister will often get upset and say that my paretns done take her job seriously like they do with mine. this is just some background.

whenever ive made plans with my family, a dinner, a lunch, coffee, going to their house or vice versa, i find it extremely stressful. i dont know why? i dont feel this way with anyone else in my life. they tend to cancel last minute or they are late...then if i get annoyed they will say things like "oh youre just jealous of your sister again" (im really, really not), or "her you go again, youve always been a drama queen," or "oh you get s dramatic, youve always been i like that."

this narrative is not something i am familiar with in my life outside my family. i can be dramatic and i probably lose my temper sometimes like anyone else, but i dont think i am unusually weird or jealous. however when i am around them i do feel on edge and stressed so maybe i am a different person around them and that is the problem?

sometimes i stand up for myself if theyve been really late (again) or made plans without me (this was a common theme when i was single and my sibling was with someone...theyd go out with my sibling and not tell me because they didnt think i could afford it and they didnt want to have to pay. they also went on trips together and would tell me the day before they left so i couldnt even have a choice as to whether i could afford it). when i do that they say oh well youre not perfect becauase of.....and list all sorts of things that happened when i was a child.

i often feel confused after interacting with them. they can be great and i obviously love them but i dont understand why my default setting around them is one of stress and anxiety.

So you are the family scapegoat and your sister is the golden child?

I used to have panic attacks when my parents were on they way to visit, oddly I didn't connect the two at the time. My family had a similar narrative, my elder brother was the intelligent one.

Its not an uncommon dynamic sadly.

i dont know though because as a child i probably was in the wrong...id act out a lot and get upset and feel left out. so i can see that in comparison my sister was the good one!

im not sure now when they hark back to this jealousy thing...i cant recall feeling jealous of my sister at all actually, i only recall feeling left out and lonely, not really jealous if that makes sense?

Yeah, this is a common sort of situation in families sadly.

Its unlikely to have much to do with you.

In my experience, this is the background dynamic:
Two children, one is steady and accomplished (A) and the other one is needier and more volatile (B).
The parents worry about B more, and feel more needed by B.
The parents get an ego boost from helping B, it makes them feel important and special.
They also dont trust B that much and feel they need to give her lots of attention or she will strop etc.
Parents also are on the lazy side and dont like delaying gratification. They like the quick "hit" of pleasure they get from their volatile B. They know A will.always be fine no matter what, as well.
So they make up a story about A being awful, so that they can redirect all attention to B and get lots of addictive highs from pleasing B.
They're also lazy and emotionally immature so will use the same story to explain to themselves why it's ok not to care how they make A feel with their dismissive and rude behaviour.
They are invested in shutting A up so they can concentrate on B.

These same parents will also come to A in later years for practical support/ money, because B "couldn't possibly be asked to help, she has so much on her plate", and A, as part of the narrative, "owes" the family time and attention, because A has always been the "awful" one.

It's all a handy way for parents to feel needed and wanted by one child, while blackmailing support from the other child.

Ask me how I know...!

Sorry this is happening OP. It's shit.

Well, no, that narrative clearly isn’t true, That sounds an awful family set up. Given what you’ve described, I’m not at all surprised that you feel stressed and anxious around them. As PP said, they have cast you as the family scapegoat.
You could look at the Stately Homes thread. And this article may ring a few bells: blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2018/02/the-lasting-pain-of-the-scapegoated-child/

id act out a lot and get upset and feel left out
yeah you were being a child. Do you have children yourself? I suspect not? because if you did you'd know that this is normal, you did nothing wrong.

Your parents probably had/have limited emotional resources and are aware they get more out of engaging with your sister, ego wise. So they've set up this story about you, to justify their own behaviour.

Unfortunately their behaviour was designed to.meet their needs, not yours. Which is really shit x

thank you so much for the replies!

i dont have children but i know i was difficult. i went through a phase for about a year of never wanting to go to bed and crying until 11pm. i can remember that now while my parents were watching tv i would be literally screaming for them to come upstairs, all night, non stop.

i can see why they thought i was difficult. it is just hard now as an adult as i have so many lovely friends and colleagues that i just dont see myself how my family seem to see me?!

i dont have children but i know i was difficult. i went through a phase for about a year of never wanting to go to bed and crying until 11pm. i can remember that now while my parents were watching tv i would be literally screaming for them to come upstairs, all night, non stop.

Sweetheart.
You didn't do that for fun.
You weren't "being difficult". You were experiencing pain and trying to get comfort.
Try to imagine having a child who cried for you at night.
Would you go to them? What would you think of that child?

If you need to believe that your parents were and are right to treat you as they did, that is ok. You are wrong, but if you need to believe it for now, that is understandable.

You describe in your op that you feel awful when around your parents. Do you want to change that? Is that your goal?

my mum would come upstairs sometimes but they would be angry and there was this pressure for me to be in be before their tv show started (i forget what it was but it was on the same time each night). theyd get angry and my mum would be shouting the entire time, usually eventually my dad would come up and smack me and throw me into my room...then i would just do it all over again.

if i had a child i would like to think i would try and talk to them and ask them what was wrong...or maybe try and deal with that situation as best as i could but THEN try and find out, ( the following day or in a moment where things were calm), what was going on and why they were upset. i think thats what i would do. but it is easy to say when its not happening isnt it? im not sure.

i want to not feel like two different people with my family and my friends/the rest of the world

Gosh op.
They were really horrible to you. That was hard to read, you didnt deserve that.

Do you want to spend time with them these days? Is that something that you feel adds to your life?

i dont want to not see them, they are nice people. i think they just got it wrong sometimes maybe? they are kind to me and have supported me in order ways (financially for instance) and ive never gone without anything.

i think if i summed it up i just feel completely misunderstood by them and often interpret their behaviour as mocking me. but i dont have these feelings about anyone else.

It can be really hard to break out of this sort of situation. My mother decided very early that I was clever, but essentially useless. My sister was good at everything apparently, and good, kind, generous etc. I was described as selfish, spiteful, greedy, promiscuous and a whole list of other negative things.
It took me until my mid 30's to realise that all these things were made up in my mother's head. You aren't two people, you are one person who your parents don't see clearly.
Seeing or even speaking to my parents makes me very anxious, so I don't do it. I am a little afraid of them still, but the chances of me ever having to see them again are slim so I sleep much better now.

Have a read of some of the recommended books and articles from the Stately Homes threads here.

I'm sorry, I was typing when you posted the last time. I wonder how much of how you see them is based on what they have told you? That they are kind, that they only want the best for you, that most people would be grateful to have such generous parents, perhaps?

giving you money isn't necessarily a supportive thing, it can be a way of avoiding giving emotional or other practical support.

I doubt it's real.

My family has a narrative about me too. I'm sensitive, ie, object when they tell me what I think, feel hurt that they doubt every word I say, that I'm dramatic, ie, I don't always take their advice, that I'm disobedient, that I'm a spendthrift.....

Also, with giving you money, they get to confuse obedience with gratitude! My parents certainly did this after they gave me money. I was grateful. I am grateful. But they wanted obedience it turned out, not gratitude. When I pointed that out I was ''abusive''.

I don't regret taking the money because I did something extremely sensible with it that benefitted my children, but...........the price was higher than THEY will ever realise.

@user63212 I completely get it. My parents are like this. They do not want me to experience any pain, setbacks or hardships. HOWEVER, due to their own limitations they don't realise that what they think is best for me is not necessarily what is best for me. The kind of tell me what I think which was sort of headwrecking when I was younger, until I saw it. I really doubted all of my own thoughts, feelings, opinions.

They didn't set out to bully me though. It's like they don't trust me to make a good decision. So they tell me what to think. It is exasperating and I don't know why they think that I, the child of two of the most fearful, cautious, sensible, practical people on this planet would ever do anything as crazy as step out of my comfort zone, I don't know. It has actually taken me therapy to feel brave enough to take risks and get out of my comfort zone and stop being a people pleaser, tune in to myself and identify what I think and feel.

They left me a blank canvas because they feared my free will and my autonomy. And that is not out of ''badness'.

I have read books like running on empty, nice girl syndrome. They helped, and my parents did behave in these ways so the effect was the same.

I think part of the solution is to resist the urge to correct their perception of you. Really really hard, but disconnect from any emotional attachment to their perception of you. Let their perception of you shrink. I type that like it's easy.

I dont have children but i know i was difficult. i went through a phase for about a year of never wanting to go to bed and crying until 11pm. i can remember that now while my parents were watching tv i would be literally screaming for them to come upstairs, all night, non stop.

My DS was like this until he was 8 or so. Hated going to bed whilst we were still up, he said he felt lonely and missed us. Do you know what I did OP? I read to him for an hour each evening, Then I sat beside his bed until he fell asleep, then I would try to sneak off downstairs, if he woke I would sit in the hall outside his room and reassure him for another hour or so. He eventually grew out of it and is a very happy secure 22 year old now.

I knew I wouldn’t be sitting outside his door when he was a teenager, but that is what he needed as a young boy. So it is what I did, to be a good parent to my young son (as much as it would drive me insane at the time).

Your parents were/are basically a bit shit OP. It is not you!

Tinty were you angry with him for behaving that way? Did he do it every night? I was about 8 when this happened.

Once I asked my parents why they didn’t try and comfort me and they said they did, but did I expect their attention all night? I do think if I had had focused attention for a small amount of time that would have calmed me quicker than lots of shouting back at me.

I think part of the solution is to resist the urge to correct their perception of you. Really really hard, but disconnect from any emotional attachment to their perception of you. Let their perception of you shrink. I type that like it's easy.

This ^

And no, it's not easy.

If you want to keep seeing them, you'll have to accept that they have their perceptions, and that those perceptions arent yours to correct. This is a very hard thing to manage to do, but it's what has to be done, really.

They are likely to always tell themselves the same story about you. The key is in how you respond to it, both internally and externally.

My mum’s narrative bears little resemblance to the person I actually am. I think it is her subconscious way of justifying her behaviour. Just as your parents do when they are late. Don’t believe the family narrative, it is for their benefit not yours. Someone on another thread suggested just saying “nevertheless....” as a response to people who said ridiculous/unrealistic things. Apparently it shuts people down politely. I’m waiting for the opportunity to try it out!

You are not their priority.

The lateness and cancelling tells you this - it is v disrespectful. What would you do if a friend continually did this to you?

Treat them the same to get the balance. Don’t prioritise them. Detach emotionally. See them less. Don’t expose yourself to their nonsense. Put them into a box where they can’t emotionally hurt you anymore. Step back so you can see the dynamic (read up on toxic families).

Sounds like your confusion and anxiety in their presence is FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
Listen to those feelings - that is your safety alarm system telling you that they are not safe. You are on high alert because they will emotionally attack you. They continue to do this and they abandoned, criticised and emotionally neglected you as a child to feed their own egos in favour of your sister.

Glad to hear you have good boundaries around friendships.

How are your romantic / intimate relationships?

TreeGreenSpade

I wasn’t angry with DS, I did mutter under my breath to myself, things like go to sleep you little ratbag, But I just used to cuddle and reassure DS, to be fair he had been a terrible sleeper since he was born, so sleep deprivation was normal for me, he just needed lots of love and reassurance.

I think it would have gone on a lot longer and he would be quite insecure now if I hadn’t done what I did at that time when he was 8.

Your family was and is awful to you. You are excusing them and minimising their cruelty and doubting your reality. Typical reaction of someone emotionally abused and neglected.

I get cross with them quickly these days, i have a constant feeling that they are mocking me. neither parent has a call without the phone on hands free...and they will pretend that it's not but you can tell and hear them talking as you are speaking. it is all quite odd and unsettling.

if you pull them up on anything their default is to say im not perfect and list things ive done wrong, or to say they dont have time for my drama or im too sensitive.

i hate it and feel so so small around them, even when they are being pleasant i feel patronised and i dont know why? there never seems to be a genuine conversation, unless it is about another person and we happen to agree.

If they were friends OP, would you still be friends with them?