Is this narrative about me real?

[user63212]

First post so please be kind! I dont know all the lingo yet!

Basically i am a 34 year old woman and i feel SO stressed around my family. ive never really thought about my childhood much before but as i have got older i have started to wonder why i feel different around them compared to other people.

i have a younger sister (5 years younger). the narrative has always been that i was insanely jealous of my sister because she was brilliant at singing and entered into A LOT of competitions and won, was on tv loads and part of high end choirs around the world. pretty much all my parents time was spent trying to orchestrate (pardon the pun!) her success with singing. anyway fast forward 12 years and shes in a totally different career and i have a highly regarded professional job, which has been a sticking point as my sister will often get upset and say that my paretns done take her job seriously like they do with mine. this is just some background.

whenever ive made plans with my family, a dinner, a lunch, coffee, going to their house or vice versa, i find it extremely stressful. i dont know why? i dont feel this way with anyone else in my life. they tend to cancel last minute or they are late...then if i get annoyed they will say things like "oh youre just jealous of your sister again" (im really, really not), or "her you go again, youve always been a drama queen," or "oh you get s dramatic, youve always been i like that."

this narrative is not something i am familiar with in my life outside my family. i can be dramatic and i probably lose my temper sometimes like anyone else, but i dont think i am unusually weird or jealous. however when i am around them i do feel on edge and stressed so maybe i am a different person around them and that is the problem?

sometimes i stand up for myself if theyve been really late (again) or made plans without me (this was a common theme when i was single and my sibling was with someone...theyd go out with my sibling and not tell me because they didnt think i could afford it and they didnt want to have to pay. they also went on trips together and would tell me the day before they left so i couldnt even have a choice as to whether i could afford it). when i do that they say oh well youre not perfect becauase of.....and list all sorts of things that happened when i was a child.

i often feel confused after interacting with them. they can be great and i obviously love them but i dont understand why my default setting around them is one of stress and anxiety.

Having a talent and sought after sibling is really hard for a child. You felt left out because you were.
Not your parents fault that she was talented obvs , but it sounds like it could have been handled better by them. My kids are polar opposites of each other, and I make a pot of effort to make sure neither of themfeel ignored/ left out when the spot light is on the other.
Your parents need to drop the “ you’re jealous” narrative, its out dated if it was ever true.
Have you read about toxic parents/ dysfunctional families?

But it sounds like you got a raw deal in your family, and I’m sorry about that.

I get on with my parents well now, but whenever my sister is there as well it's as if we all snap back to the way we were 35 years ago when my sister and I were teenagers. I've broken the pattern when she's not there, but my stress levels rise whenever she is.

Just coming out of a rather difficult conversation with my parents about Christmas. I wanted them to come but not my sister (she'd ruin it for me). She's agreed to spend the day with a friend who would otherwise be on her own and we will all go out together on Boxing Day.

Recognising that the patterns of my teenage years and earlier repeat when my original family of four are together has helped me manage this. I accept that I'm part of the problem because I fall into those teenage patterns as much as my sister does and my parents perform their age-old roles. Confrontation is not available, so keeping away from an intense grouping saves my sanity.

Hi OP

They sound like they -
Mess you around (eg being late)
Blame you for their bad behaviour (well you were a difficult child!)
Make things up about you to deflect from their shit behaviour when you pull them up on it (you're jealous again!)
Enjoy pitting you and your sister against each other eg arranging stuff without each other (also the fact she thinks they think you have a proper career malea me think they may be doing similar to her)

Most people get annoyed at being constantly cancelled at the last minute or being kept waiting - its completely normal and they are refusing to acknowledge that and trying to blame you for being completely reasonably pissed off by calling you a drama queen (assuming you just say 'I'm pissed off you cancelled again' rather than throwing yourself to the ground sobbing).

I'm sorry OP they dont sound normal.

I really think that this realisation is going to be the start of a long road where you realise the relationship with them is unhealthy and want to distance yourself from it. I think its going to take a lot of time and therapy to unpick it all though as with parents its engrained and almost part of who you are, it's very difficult to work it all out by yourself. Is this an option?

They don't sound very nice :( Ok you say they've helped you financially and stuff, but that doesn't make up for them almost constantly having a go at you.

Of course you feel stressed if you're around them- it's either a minefield where you're trying to avoid things blowing up into personal attacks on you, or waiting for the attacks to come. Every time you see them is like having to go out of the trenches at the Somme.

I think many people who have abusive parents feel the same need to still see them etc.

I agree with posters who've said to see a therapist- not just for the effect your childhood and their more recent treatment has no doubt had on you, but to help you work out how to handle them in future.

When they come out with the list of childhood sins, do you say anything in response? It might be something to consider- you might feel better if you tell them it's not ok for them to do that, that you were just a child, or whatever. But I'm not a professional. Hugs xxxxx

There is a perception in my family that I am argumentative which isn't something that other people generally observe in me. It's hard to disprove it when other family members often spoil for a fight and even if you don't give them ammunition (I'm a 'grey rock" master these days) will keep the narrative going that I'm winding them up or whatever. It all goes back to how we all were as children. It's hard to reset that family dynamic.

One thing I would advise you to do is to try and form a united front with your sister, Sounds as though your parents like to pit you against each other. I've had a bit of that with my siblings/parents. Reassure her that regardless of their view on her or you, your bond with her is good and you think she is great. Both of you agree only ever to allow negative statements to be said about the other from now on without comment like 'no, you've got it wrong, sister was only like that when young, not these days'...

Next, work out how you can minimise the impact your parents have when you meet or communicate. It might be little things, like if they are always late or likely to be, give them a different start time that is 15 mins later.

It sounds as though they weren't model parents when you were younger, I wouldn't leave a child in distress over a TV programme, but hey, none of us are perfect. Try to forgive them if you can but recognise that they have flaws and if you want to keep seeing them work out how to reduce the level of anxiety they give you.

Good luck.

Sorry - re your sister, obvs it's that neither of you allow negative statements to be said about the other by your parents!

i have a highly regarded professional job, which has been a sticking point as my sister will often get upset and say that my paretns done take her job seriously like they do with mine

It seems like they may be playing you off each other OP. What is your relationship like with your sister, do you meet up without your parents, enjoy each others company at all, because being close with your sister might add a layer of protection to both of your lives and make the game of divide and conquer that they are playing much less effective.

As for all that "difficult child" nonsense, if they start that up again ask them why two adults could not comfort and parent just one child between them? They were the adults in the relationship OP, you were a small child trying to find your way in the world, needing reassurance and comfort that they had your back, instead they played favourites with your sister, and they are still doing it now.

candative, I really don’t think OP should be encouraged to try to “forgive” the frankly abusive behaviour she describes from her parents as a child. Accepting that it was not in any way ‘good enough’ parenting and understanding the effect it has had on her, yes. Forgiveness may or may not follow from that. Or may not even feel relevant.

My mother had a narrative about me. I was, apparently, disorganised and chaotic, incapable of sorting myself out, with no common sense.

Then, as a single mum to five kids, who were NEVER late for school or in dirty uniform or unfed, I realised that this was HER inner narrative based on flaws she saw in herself and reflected on to me (she was very controlled and controlling). It wasn't me, it couldn't be, I couldn't be disorganised and chaotic and bring up five kids.

I started smiling and nodding and ignoring her tutting. It was all her. There was no NEED for me to know every single day what was for dinner and where my bag was and what time we were going into town. That was how she regulated HER life.

I can see it now, but at the time it felt very wrong. Can you smile, ignore and be very superfical with your parents? Know it's their problem, not yours?

To some extent, I think there is always a gap between the family narrative about a member and the individual themselves. This can be a lot bigger in some families, and based on your description, it sounds like the case here.

The fact that you have already called it a "narrative" means that you can already see this. You don't have to let them define you.

The thing is OP you can separate off from them without having to say you are going to do so. You can drift away and do it slowly. Anything else will create drama and give them another stick to beat you with.

Gradually fade them out from your life. I have a family member I am NC with. If I had announced it it would have caused a shit storm. I gradually stopped seeing them, attending where they would be and I stopped answering their calls. About two years after I started this her DH rang (caught me on the hop) and asked me if my actions had been deliberate or if I was thoughtless. I said deliberate for my own preservation. He understood exactly why I had done it and other family members see what I see anyway and a new norm has been created. Do it at your own pace. Create your own new reality at your own pace but you must do this for your own MH.