DP misses his DC terribly and it is ruining our relationship

[Sunraise]

Please please please wise Mumsnetters, help me see this situation clearly because I don't know how to handle this anymore!

I have been in a happy, loving and caring relationship for nearly a year. DP is divorced with two DC, amicable split, gets along well with XW. We are in love and in a stable, committed relationship. They split 18 months ago and share DC 50/50.

The issue is, he massively struggles with adapting to post-divorce life in relation to his DC. He gets really anxious about them (for no particular reason) or extremely sad when they go to their mum's. When he has these moments, he retreats in himself, doesn't want to leave his flat, doesn't want to go anywhere. He stops sleeping, and engages in OCD-type of behaviors to calm himself down. He essentially swallows in his sadness and anxiety until he feels better and is ready to face the world again.

While I am sympathetic about how hard it must be for a parent to share his DC and adapt to this new life, his struggles are having a massive impact on the relationship. Our time together is already limited because of his DC 50/50 custody, but it gets further limited when he has these moments and essentially hides in his cave. At the beginning I used to go and spend time with him at his during these moments, but I realized it is actually worse as he is so down that we end up having a terrible time as a couple. So instead of seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week, we end up seeing each other every other week for example.

We can never plan anything in advance because I am never sure whether he will be in a "good mood" or "sad mood". I feel like his struggles don't allow the relationship to progress and flourish, in spite of his strong feelings for me and his commitment. I try not to take this stuff personally, but it is really becoming a problem for me because it means being in a relationship that is not meeting my needs.

I am really in love with him and him with me, so I find the idea to end the relationship very difficult. At the same time I am on my wits' end with the current circumstances.

What do you think I should do? Supporting him through this hard moment of his life? Or tell him I don't think he is in the right place for a relationship at the moment?

Please help

Hi OP. My sister went through similar. It ended. Reality hits home. This is a fundamental, something you can’t change.

He needs support to process the end of his marriage and home he held his babies in.

Whether you do that as a friend is up to you, but I don’t think the relationship will be a happy or healthy one if it were to continue.

He is definitely not a bad man, he is just struggling. He has good moments, when he is optimistic and upbeat and funny and full of excitement. Then he has bad moments when he can't cope and he feels overwhelmed by the responsibilities of his life as a single parent.

I understand that the general consensus is to walk away, and I think I will do that once I find the resolve.

What nice thing did you and he do last week-end? Or the last week-end he was child free?

To me it sounds like he needs professional help. If he can commit to getting that and persevering with it then it might be ok.

But would he do this? And would you want to hang around while he did?

He's not ready for another relationship yet, because he doesn't have the emotional resources to cope with another adult relationship.

From your point of view, what are you getting out of the relationship? It doesn't sound as though it's much fun for you, yet this early period should be the best possible time in a relationship. It sounds as though he is using you as an emotional crutch during a difficult time.

How did the timeline work for him, did his Ex find a new partner, then immediately after, he met you? However it was, it was too soon for him. I can't see there being a rapid change in his behaviour, he will continue to focus on the loss of his children, it's how he proves to himself that he is valid as a parent.

You will have to leave him for the sake of your own sanity and happiness.

You can not fix him, he needs professional support for his issues and no amount being patient is going to change things.

@thedancingbear, @M3lon and @Thoughtlessinengland

claps

There is NO way that a woman grieving for losing time with her children for whom she was the primary carer, would be spoken about like this. We say that we want men to be more compassionate and caring and more involved with their children and when they are, we call them 'whineyarsed losers'.

Going from being a primary carer to 50/50 is bloody hard to come to terms with. It probably took me 3 years to feel really at peace with it - and even then there were moments where it felt raw again. Like birthdays and sharing Christmas.
I never expected to be spending 50% of my time without my child and you're not just 'free to do whatever the fuck you want' with half of your life. I didn't WANT that free time...it was just what life dealt me.

He cares about his kids, unlike the countless feckless dads who do just move on and leave an emotional shitstorm behind them.

I met my partner (now DH) very shortly after the separation from my ex and it wasn't a rebound thing. We took it slowly, he helped me get my head around being a 'part time' mum. He soothed me through this depression, he gave me hope and nurtured me. He never, ever second guessed his committment to me.

Being in a relationship with someone dealing with this kind of thing is not easy, and if you feel like it's too much hard work for you then ending it is the best thing. For both of you. Because if you resent the depression and you resent his situation interfering with your relationship then this relationship has a very unstable future.

What does he say when you raise this with him? Is he happy with his life as it is?

I'm going to go the opposite way on this to most other posters. I wouldn't walk away, not if you truly love either other.

He doesn't sound like a bad person just that he's struggling, so maybe there's somewhere he could go to get help? Counselling? Is he depressed maybe?

It's such a big life change - I know, both me and DP have gone through it and even 18 months later, I still cry over missing my children when I haven't seen them for a day or two.

I wouldn't write it off, and I echo other posters who say that if the roles were reversed, and it was you grieving for the loss of time in your relationship with children and your DP wanted to walk away....the advice would be so different.

Yes, what does he say when you tell him this leaves you feeling unhappy? Have you made that clear?

He sounds depressed to me. Has he been to his GP and talked about how he's feeling? It's possible to have situational depression after a big life event like divorce, even if he's never suffered with it before. If he hasn't sought help, then OP I would encourage him to do so.

As for you being in a serious, committed relationship with a man who has only been separated for 18 months, I think you should be prepared for it to be too much, too soon. I'm always a bit at people who say they're in a serious, committed relationship after such a short time and when you're clearly not living together (or even seeing much of each other at times). This man's life has been turned upside down in the past 2 years. I dare say that he's not ready to be committed to you or anyone else right now.

And, FWIW, it doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a relationship. But that is no kind of excuse for such vile crap.

@sunraise Have you met his dc? How do you know for sure it's strictly 50/50 custody/contact?

I’m glad there’s people like you in the world @thedancingbear

He needs to be alone to learn how to live as a single dad.

You will be doing him a massive favour by letting him go to get on with it.

You are blocking him recovering to his new normal. Let him go get on with it.

@sunraise your bff sounds very similar to my ex. If he is, or anything like him, trust me he's an abusive loser who claims MH problems/everything else to excuse his shitty self-absorbed behaviour.

BF, not bff