DP misses his DC terribly and it is ruining our relationship

[Sunraise]

Please please please wise Mumsnetters, help me see this situation clearly because I don't know how to handle this anymore!

I have been in a happy, loving and caring relationship for nearly a year. DP is divorced with two DC, amicable split, gets along well with XW. We are in love and in a stable, committed relationship. They split 18 months ago and share DC 50/50.

The issue is, he massively struggles with adapting to post-divorce life in relation to his DC. He gets really anxious about them (for no particular reason) or extremely sad when they go to their mum's. When he has these moments, he retreats in himself, doesn't want to leave his flat, doesn't want to go anywhere. He stops sleeping, and engages in OCD-type of behaviors to calm himself down. He essentially swallows in his sadness and anxiety until he feels better and is ready to face the world again.

While I am sympathetic about how hard it must be for a parent to share his DC and adapt to this new life, his struggles are having a massive impact on the relationship. Our time together is already limited because of his DC 50/50 custody, but it gets further limited when he has these moments and essentially hides in his cave. At the beginning I used to go and spend time with him at his during these moments, but I realized it is actually worse as he is so down that we end up having a terrible time as a couple. So instead of seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week, we end up seeing each other every other week for example.

We can never plan anything in advance because I am never sure whether he will be in a "good mood" or "sad mood". I feel like his struggles don't allow the relationship to progress and flourish, in spite of his strong feelings for me and his commitment. I try not to take this stuff personally, but it is really becoming a problem for me because it means being in a relationship that is not meeting my needs.

I am really in love with him and him with me, so I find the idea to end the relationship very difficult. At the same time I am on my wits' end with the current circumstances.

What do you think I should do? Supporting him through this hard moment of his life? Or tell him I don't think he is in the right place for a relationship at the moment?

Please help

I would cool things down, he needs to come to terms with what he has lost (his wife and children, his old life) he rushed into a new relationship with you, and he is not ready at all.

I would be doing the kind thing and stepping back, he can not give you what you are looking for right now. Maybe at some point in the future, but not now. He needs to heal, to cry, to allow the pain to pass.

If you care for him as much as you say you do, you will let him recover in peace and stop expecting too much (or anything) He sounds broken to me, and far from an amicable split, the behaviours you describe sound very difficult and painful for him. I would suggest counselling for him, and a friendship. Poor chap, it is an awful place to be.

hmm well either he's just a wineyarsed loser, or he is struggling with his mental health and retreating from social interaction in the classic way people with depression do....

I mean, its not your job to try fix him, op, on the other hand if you think he might benefit from an attempt to improve his mental health you could always point out that feeling sad so much of time and retreating from social interaction are classic depression signs and he might want to deal with that before it gets any worse...

but I wonder if there must be a limit to how much I am willing to put up with?
Let's hope so OP otherwise you will be walked all over and treated like a doormat your whole life!!!
Figure out your boundaries and stick to them.
THIS isn't working for you.
It really is that simple.

It sounds like he was in denial about what a separation would mean re seeing his children.

His reaction seems very extreme. Would he consider counselling as that may help, otherwise I agree with others and would be leaving. He has to want to help himself. If he doesn't there is no hope here at all. I'm sorry.

Oh FFS bin him and move on. There is no shortage of men out there - why waste any more time on this whinyarsed loser?

And this kind of poisonous shit is why male suicide rates are what they are.

OP,

He's grieving.
You need to leave him to it.
He's not ready to move on.

You need to accept that and end things.

It is NOT your job to fix him.

The dynamic of this relationship is all wrong.

You are in the background waiting for him to be in form to be with you.

Focus on why you have so low expectations of a relationship.

Work on you.

Let him grieve and sort himself out.

You really need to work on you.

💐

I think he's not ready for a relationship. Very sad for you, but he does need to get over his wife and the life he's lost.

And this kind of poisonous shit is why male suicide rates are what they are.

I don't think that's fair. It is like claiming that male deaths from testicular cancer are due to women not escorting their men to regular check-ups. Men need to take responsibility for dealing with their own MH.

gal I think it IS fair. No fucking way a mother grieving for the break down of her family and seeing her kids 50% less of the time would be spoken about like this.

When it is societal prejudice that drives these comments, then it IS a part of what is leading to increased male suicide rates.

I think you need to leave him to it and move on yourself.

He could still be like this in ten years’ time. Whether what he’s doing/experiencing is his fault or not, this “relationship”, what there is of it, isn’t right for you.

I don't think that's fair. It is like claiming that male deaths from testicular cancer are due to women not escorting their men to regular check-ups. Men need to take responsibility for dealing with their own MH.

Jesus wept. Listen to yourself. We raise our boys in toxic cultures of hegemonic masculinity where they grow into men who are neither able to speak about these things nor able to find acceptance for being visibly emotional or struggling with MH. Hundreds of studies on male mental health has documented evidence of structural shit like this above. The testicular cancer example is spectacularly off. Calling a depressed parent who has lost 50% custody of children a whineyarsed so and so is part of that very structural problem. A woman in the same position would meet empathy and it would be all sorts of ok for her to openly and visibly grieve. But this parent is male and is thus whineyarsed. Yes he is not ready for a relationship but that can be articulated and believed at the same time as understanding his pain and not saying spectacularly crap things like this above. This is the culture our men and boys operate within where masculine stoicism, steadfastness and protector role is revered and emotional fragility or vulnerability is whineyarsed. And you think that’s not fair?

I don't imagine she gives a shit, Thoughtlesinengland

Well said, though.

He's either not ready for a new relationship or using the kids to treat you not very well, or his behaviour and mood the real reason why they split up.

You've not been with him long and it isn't super job to save him and be his emotional punching board

Your not super

The exact reasons for his moody behaviour you can't know, but I would definitely dump him, personally. He seems to have met you on the rebound and it is shit of him to string you along like this

The truth is he isn’t meeting your needs. A relationship isn’t just about him. It’s about you too. I’d say he needs to get himself support and come back to you in a year when he’s more stable.

I think with all the talk about "moving on "and not staying in a bad relationship, it is still incredibly hard .Men in particular ,seem to have this expectation that they will have a "great time "with a new partner, and be seen as a source of envy by other married men.In reality as you have found out ,this is just not the case and he is missing about 50% of his childrens life .only half the time he had before .18 months is very short time ,and he is probably still adjusting TBH.Maybe tell him how you are feeling and think about what you want for the future together .Its entirely possible you may have a baby of your own and that may help him .However I think it is too soon ATM really

I would hope I would say the same to a woman who was feeling this way after a split. This is to him, not the OP

• you need to take responsibility for yourself and get well and stable for your own sake and that of your DC. Many of us have been main carers and given up careers to do so, and have managed to adjust our lives to the new normal, even when it’s been tough and horrible. Hiding away from your MH problems is going to make this worse, you have rushed into a new RS way before you are ready. You probably haven’t managed to reconcile the reasons why things broke down. The mistakes you made. And possibly your MH was a factor you didn’t address. Now is the time, and you need to stop your RS with this woman because it is making her unhappy and confused. Whether she is a crutch as you don’t want to be alone - it’s just not fair on her. There is life after divorce and your children will grow up one day and leave home, it is unhealthy to place all of your self worth and purpose onto your kids, or a partner

A visit to the doctor may be the best way for him to get some support as he’s obviously suffering. Anti depressants can really help any chemical imbalance and help him regulate his emotions. Counselling too would help. Can he speak to his kids if an evening when they aren’t with him? Or Skype them? That may help so it doesn’t feel like they are miles away. He could offer the ew the same privilege when he has them so she can phone them. Or perhaps they have their own phones and already do this!

I think he needs to get his head sorted out before you can move forward with your relationship.

My guess is that he's just not that into you. I think you have been a crutch for him during a difficult period in his life. This relationship has rebound all over it. Move on or except it for what it is but I doubt there is a future with this man.

I think with all the talk about "moving on "and not staying in a bad relationship, it is still incredibly hard .Men in particular ,seem to have this expectation that they will have a "great time "with a new partner, and be seen as a source of envy by other marriedmen.Inreality as you have found out ,this is just not the case

Yes, lots of this on here too, where posters are encouraged to move on, get over it and look forward to a bright future, kids are resilient, all that. So then if that doesn't all fall into place nice and neatly, poster might well think they're a rare failure. Real life is more messy.

I think this is how I'd feel in his position, tbh.

The difference is, HollowTalk, you would be allowed to feel like this. You would be told that your children were the most important thing and encouraged to put them first.

The OP's partner clearly isn't allowed those feelings. If the OP isn't the centre of his world, she's told she can do better and to walk away.

No, OP is clinging on to the idea of a wonderful RS and trying to save this man. It isn’t wonderful and telling her to walk away is because she’s unhappy and it’s not her place to involve herself and try to fix anything

Going from being the main carer to 50-50 would be hard for anyone. I know I would find that difficult. I would be straight with him that you’re finding it hard and are worried about him. Counselling might help if he is depressed. He doesn’t sound like a bad man, just very sad. Given it’s early days you aren’t bound to stay with him, but if you do, definitely encourage him to access support.