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Original poster

What would you think if...

28 replies

Sunshinesusie23 · 19/11/2019 08:08

  • your sex life with dp of 3 years was irregular (once a month) because he claims to have low libido.
  • he takes viagra before we sleep together.
  • but you suspect he might be wanking while I'm not around.
  • and he has a niche fetish that isn't awful but is a bit odd.

I bought the low libido thing for a long time as I'm 36 and he's 51 so thought he was maybe just going off the boil a bit. I'm not highly sexed myself but once a fortnight would be my preference. It's not the lack of frequency that bothers me but more the possibility that he actually struggles to have a sexual relationship with me because his kink is what truly does it for him :( that hurts.
Our relationship is otherwise great and I love him and don't want to leave over this but I do find it upsetting. I've asked him the question before but he's never going to admit to finding me less alluring than his kink is he? Before anyone suggests porn addiction I don't think it's 'addiction' as such - more just preference. Really don't know how to feel....

OP posts:
WestSideSnorey · 19/11/2019 09:42

I'm 36 and he's 51
he takes viagra before we sleep together.

This isn't going to get any better OP. And to be honest I'd think by the ages of 36 and 51 you'd be able to discuss this with each other, that's the only way this is getting resolved and by resolved and by resolved, in this case I think I mean you accepting the situation.

It sounds like neither of you is satisfied with your sex life and from the small amount you've written it doesn't sound like that will change. If that's the case you need to decide if this is the relationship you expected it to be and want it to be. There's more to a relationship than Sex and once a fortnight vs once a month isn't a huge disparity but how will you feel in 10 years when it could potentially decrease further?

Decision time I reckon, accept this as your life or do something about it.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 19/11/2019 09:51

@WestSideSnorey Yes you're right. As far as his kink goes I rationalise that we've only been together 3 years and this is probably something he's been into for a long time so I can't realistically expect him to change the way his brain works. But if the low libido thing is just an excuse then it feels like I'm being short changed a bit.

I do love him dearly and the rest of the relationship is good. We do find it hard to talk about this though, even at our ages lol

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 19/11/2019 16:04

I assume you can’t get involved in this kink?

BlastEndedSkrewt · 19/11/2019 16:06

what is the kink? can you give it a try?

nocluewhattodoo · 19/11/2019 16:10

There is zero happiness to be found in a sexual relationship when one party has a kink the other isn't into. My ex insisted on bringing his cuckhold obsession into our sex life and it was the death knell for the relationship as I was not willing to either shag someone else in front of him or do the frankly racist dirty talk he wanted me to do to get off.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 19/11/2019 16:58

@nocluewhattodoo it's nothing like that! It's harmless really. Doesn't involve other people, violence or anything untoward. It's just a bit weird. I'm not totally against trying it but he doesn't seem to want me to. Perhaps a fantasy meeting reality thing that he isn't ready for :/

I just don't know how much of it is genuine low libido and how much is him actually being quite sexually keen but only when it comes to his private kink.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 20/11/2019 22:22

I would assume his sexuality and libido are tied exclusively to this link, and that his first relationship is between him and it. I'd assume he just wanted a partner for everything else other than sex. I'd give up trying.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 21/11/2019 14:14

@MiniTheMinx sadly I'm starting to feel that this is probably correct. It's a tough one to deal with because I don't want to be playing second fiddle to his private sexual kink but I can hardly demand that he changes his ways. As a pp said i either accept it or end it. On the whole our relationship is really good and I'm very happy. It's just this one aspect that causes me pain. It's not even because I'm feeling particularly frustrated or hard done to by the irregular sex because I'm not that bothered myself, it's just the thought of him preferring something else if that makes sense :/

OP posts:
category12 · 21/11/2019 14:25

This is something that's unlikely to change - fetishes are deeply ingrained. If you find it harmful to your happiness in the relationship now, imagine 5 years down the line...

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 21/11/2019 14:45

I would like to think that his kink and his love and desire for me are two separate things. Both valuable to him in different ways. I really don't want to end the relationship over this but it would be nice to have a bit more clarity over how he feels, he doesn't really talk about it to me and even if he did he's not exactly likely to say 'yes susie I love you a lot but it's my kink that really does it for me sorry'

So maybe because of lack of communication I'm thinking the worst.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/11/2019 14:46

I'm early 50's. I can imagine in a couple of years being with a 70 YO!
Each to their own, but this isn't working for you.
And it won't improve - EVER!
Do you have DC? Do want DC?

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 21/11/2019 14:49

I have dc from another relationship. I don't want anymore so that's not an issue. I have to say when we finally get around to dtd it's always really good. It just seems like he's not interested in doing it that often. He puts it down to low libido...

I should also add that I don't think the secret wanking (god that sounds terrible) is something that happens often purely because our circumstances don't allow for much alone time lol. But it does hurt to think he's prefer to knock one off over his kink than be intimate with me.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/11/2019 14:50

Doesn’t sound like a good relationship for you: sexually. That, his fetish and use of viagra and the age gap (risk of him becoming unwell etc) are good reasons to end it IMO. Even if you don’t want DC. If you do want DC, defo don’t waste time with him.

Mintjulia · 21/11/2019 14:51

Have you checked all the basics for low libido like obesity, high blood pressure, stress? Is he taking beta blockers or certain statins?

There may be a simple medical reason. Maybe he’s just embarrassed and a bit depressed about it too.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 21/11/2019 15:04

No obvious health issues. He's certainly not obese or unwell. He says he has always had low libido. Testosterone tests all normal. So maybe it's just a case or standard vanilla sex not being enough for him.

I know peoples immediate response on these threads is it you're not happy ltb but even though we've only been together 3 years we have bought a home and have commitments. Can't just cut and run and don't want to

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2019 15:06

Yes he's highly unlikely to tell you that he loves you but his kink is really what does it for him...... you'd leave. That would be a silly move on his part. He has everything he wants probably, a lovely much younger devoted partner and his kink. At the moment he's not being asked to sacrifice one for the other. But you are not happy, you feel that his kink is what does it for him, and you are sacrificing your needs. In a sense it doesn't matter what he says, the fact is that you feel your needs are sacrificed and second to his kink. And I think you are right to feel this way.

You are denied a sex life and to feel desired whilst he has both you and his kink and can choose either. To me it would be tantamount to him having an affair. Why? Because you are locked into a monogamous relationship where your loyalty and sexual exclusivity is to him, but he has 2 options. Nah .. I'd be spitting bullets and packing my stuff.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 21/11/2019 15:14

@MiniTheMinx I do see your point. It's just hard to decipher how much is how you describe and how much is paranoia on my part. If it were just low libido I could handle that. It wouldn't be for everyone but he's spoken to me about it and I've accepted it. It's not a sexless relationship - once a month is a lot to people who have gone years without it in truly sexless relationships. And he is affectionate and loving in other ways.

But yes because I know he has this kink the doubt is there. How much is genuine low libido and how much is him just being sexually focused around his kink? Is there an element or both? I really don't know and I find it very hard to ask him because it feels like I'm quizzing him

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2019 15:35

Do you ask questions at interview, or read the small print before you sign a document, or ask lots of questions and consider the pitfalls before taking out a mortgage? I bet you don't sign your life awaySmile you have a right to know, try asking. It's not quizzing for the sake of being nosy, this issue effects you too and your happiness and wellbeing.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/11/2019 15:45

What a mistype...
I CAN'T imagine being with a 70 year old in a couple of years.
WOW! Sorry.

Loopytiles · 21/11/2019 16:09

3 years is a long time. The problems seem significant and unlikely to be resolveable!

category12 · 21/11/2019 16:13

You jumped in rather fast to something unsatisfactory. Don't let the sunk costs fallacy prevail - the answer to pouring 3 years into something that makes you feel "not enough" isn't pouring more years into it.

HollowTalk · 21/11/2019 16:18

That's a hell of an age difference. I'd make a decision on the basis that this is as good as it's going to get.

firewalkeruk · 21/11/2019 16:51

OP I'm a 54 year old male and I do have issues with ED. Before this became an issue my wife and I had a very active sex life and after some advice on mumsnet and seeing my GP we are working through things.
I can tell you most men do like little kink and any man who denies using porn is lying or dead.
My DW and I have tried some light BDSM, Role Play, Dress up etc. Our only red lines are not involving others or no infidelity. It works for us.
However over the last year I was having problems and we haven't been properly intimate in all that time. She was worried I'd stopped fancying her and I was scared to admit that I had a problem.
If your OH's kink is mild why does he not want you to indulge it? I know that you will find that he would rather use porn to sate his kink as insulting but maybe it is something that he likes the idea of but doesn't want to go the whole way.
I find the idea of ejaculating into my DE and then preforming oral on her a great turn on but she said she thought it was a bit 'gay' and as she isn't keen on oral it became a bit of a hang up. Now after a year's drought she is will to consider this and maybe it will happen and maybe it won't, if it does it will have to be something we are both comfortable with and she is reassured that I am still as manly as I ever was.
Please talk to your OH and go with his feeling on it.
As for using porn it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, men tend to separate sex and love.

Mermaidsinthesand · 21/11/2019 18:05

What is the kink?

Your issue seems to be the porn not the kink.

Original poster
Sunshinesusie23 · 22/11/2019 12:09

I don't really want to go into great detail regarding the kink but think messy stuff - food and slime and so on. Rather impractical in daily life I suppose.

OP posts:
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