I don't want my fucking hair cut!

[PhilomenaButterfly]

My aunt texted me yesterday asking if there's a hairdresser's in our Sainsbury's (no), then where the nearest one is (no idea). I think she's going to bully me into getting my hair cut. It's very short and thick, and if I have any more off it'll just stick up.

I'm autistic, so I either let her bully me into it or it'll turn into a blazing row. I'm getting really stressed out.

What do I say?

Could you have a friend with you at the time, so you're not alone with her?

Ignoring and slightly irrelevant one word answers lead to a blazing row, unfortunately. I once ignored a series of texts about what my DD has for breakfast, she didn't stop and ended up ringing me non stop until I had to say something, which then caused a row.

OP, it sounds to me as though you are not the only one with autism in your family. This is an incredibly inappropriate response of your aunt to not knowing what your DD had for breakfast.
In our we have a rule (invented by me) that whoever brushes the hair gets to decide how long it is. And that's final. It came out of my DH wanting DD to have lovely long locks when he never, ever brushed it and she screamed and yelled whenever a hairbrush came near. Could this work for you, since you have DCs? It might be something to tell your aunt to get her to leave you alone.

“Please don’t try to make me cut my hair, I’m growing it a bit, and I’m getting stressed thinking you’re going to make me do it. Let’s talk about something else”

Or come down with a stomach bug when she visits, text to say you can’t see her and are turning your phone off to poo/puke/recover

Your aunt doesn't sound very nice.

Don't allow her to bully you into a haircut or anything else that you don't want.
You are an adult and she needs to respect your decisions.

If this means a row then it is right to have a row. Do this by repeating your position
"I don't want to have my hair cut"
"I need you to respect my decision"
And just keep on repeating this, don't get distracted into discussing any of her points.

Your aunt is not the boss of you unless you give her your permission (and that would be an unhealthy decision).

Your Aunt sounds really quite abusive....can you talk to others in the family about how to set boundaries with her?

Did she just invite herself to yours?

You don't have to let her visit if you don't want to.
You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to.

If she starts texting and ringing you repeatedly like a nut, block her.

I don't want a row. I want people to let me be.

She wants to take us to Winter Wonderland the weekend after next, the only advantage of that is that DD can go ice skating, as apparently my aunt's bringing her 16yo foster daughter who can go on with her (Winter Wonderland rules). Neither my aunt nor I can skate.

Your reaction is proportional to the bullying OP. It's nothing to do with your autism.

I really would recommend an assertiveness course, I think you may find it useful.

Tell her no, have the row and tell her to stay away from you until she stops being a twat.

If your aunt is trying to use the skating trip as leverage to bully another adult into getting her hair cut against her will, that's just not on, OP. I have a son with autism and I hate the thought of anyone ever treating him this way.

Is it unreasonable of me to think that this thread title would be a perfectly good response to your aunt if she keeps on about haircuts?

I don't understand your family setup? Why is your aunt so involved with decisions in your life? Your an adult and a mother ffs. Having autism isn't an excuse to just say no.

She's not. Winter Wonderland would have happened with or without her, she offered to take us, which actually put my nose out of joint a bit, but I'm mature enough to let her do something nice for us. She just dropped this text on me out of the blue, and I can't see why else she'd be asking.

I don't think having a meltdown would be proportional to the bullying. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Fetchez that would definitely cause the blazing row!

Will she definitely pursue it even if you address it beforehand and tell her straight you're not doing it and don't want to hear about it during the visit?

If you let her do something nice for you, won't she then feel that she can behave anyway she likes, with no comeback? She is interfering with your life on a very regular basis, but if she throws in a nice gesture once in a while amongst the bullying, she is being very crafty and manipulative. It sounds like she enjoys undermining you and your ability to make decisions about you and your DD.

Op I don't understand. How has this situation developed? Did your aunt raise you? Do other people treat you like this?

OP if you are not willing to stand up for yourself then this is gonna be your life, other people will make what should be your decisions.

You need to have boundaries and stand firm on them. It doesn't have to be a row just hold your own position. No need to raise your voice or throw insults. If the other person starts to behave like this then walk away and don't engage, say you will talk again once they feel calmer.

If I don't engage she won't leave me alone until I do
So she's bullying you and harassing you.
Why are you so afraid of falling out with people who bully you?

You're a mother - and the whole family still bully you to the point of EXPECTING you to obey them and cut your hair so you look like a fucking joke?

I think you need to speak to your GP about getting help from professionals with regards building your confidence and being assertive.

Why is she bothered about your hair? That's weird.
Tell her you're happy with your hair and don't need a change. People who have nothing to do like to bother other people.

Don't let her come to you if she's going to cause trouble.

I had an aunt like this (she's RIP now). She was harrassing me to do something for a family wedding & she'd run me into the ground by pointlessly vetoing everything I came up with, so I emailed & told her I was taking time out for a couple of days & asked her not to contact me about it till I got back in touch.

The next day she rang me EIGHT TIMES. I didn't pick up, so she then emailed me. I ignored her until I was ready.

I'm not autistic. The issue for you & for me lies squarely with interfering older women who won't give up & don't think we have any right to say no & to lead our lives how WE want to, not how THEY think we should.

You are entitled to cancel your invitation to her. You do not have to see her. If she turns up on the doorstep, you do NOT have to let her in.

Good grief, WTF has YOUR hair got to do with ANY OTHER PERSON?

You're an adult, not a 10 year old. Put your foot down NOW OP. This aunt of yours is bloody abusive.

And she fosters? God help that 16 year old....

It's really quite alarming that this woman is responsible for vulnerable children.

I'd be considering going no contact with her, and if she persists in harassing you, contacting the police. Let her see how that goes down with social services.

@PhilomenaButterfly - you don't need to get angry or defensive.
I've got a very blunt DS who simply says 'No, I'm not doing that.'
But why...?
'No. I'm not doing that".
"I think... Ill just.. I'll ring..."
"No"
But..
"I said no".

No means no. As they tell all teenagers at school these days!
Your life. Your hair. Your decision. No-one else's choice.

Hi @PhilomenaButterfly, I have an autistic DS and some family members still have some strange ideas!
Maybe just suggest that your autism means you are super sensitive about who touches your head, that your trying to grow your hair, and recently had light trim.
If that doesn't work play to your strengths and a simple blunt no!

I wouldn't do winter wonderland with her. It is being used to gain access to bully you. Shut it down.