I don't want my fucking hair cut!

[PhilomenaButterfly]

My aunt texted me yesterday asking if there's a hairdresser's in our Sainsbury's (no), then where the nearest one is (no idea). I think she's going to bully me into getting my hair cut. It's very short and thick, and if I have any more off it'll just stick up.

I'm autistic, so I either let her bully me into it or it'll turn into a blazing row. I'm getting really stressed out.

What do I say?

Hello? Im growing my hair, thanks, all the answer thats needed.

Or you could say ‘what the fuck has my hair got to do with you?’ and when she gets affronted you can say well now you know how I feel.

Tell her that your hair is your business so she can fuck off, but possibly say that in a nicer manner. You like your hair the way it is, no you have no issues with it. End of!!

If she bullies you, maybe you should stop seeing her.

You just tell her no, repeatedly, if needed. If necessary, tell her ‘I don’t want my hair cut and that is final and not your decision’. She’s being very rude to try to pressure you, so it’s ok to be forceful when speaking to her.

There is a middle ground between being bullied and a blazing row. It is the world of ignoring and slightly irrelevant one word answers.

Whatever she says you either totally ignore it or say "No thanks". Under no circumstances do you engage in back and forth arguments.

Want rules to make it easier? Do not JADE.

Do not justify your position.
Do not argue with her.
Do not defend yourself.
Do not explain your reasoning.

All of these make it into a negotiation. They open you to being pressured. So don't go there. It isn't a negotiation. You have decided.

What kinds of things will she say to bully you? We can help you with suitable responses (mine will mainly involve making non-commital noises then changing the subject or walking away).

bath!

Like PP have said, a firm no needs to happen. You’ll get your hair cut as and when you need/want it!

You know how you sometimes have to say 'no' to your child? When they want to eat nothng but Frosties or have a new magazine every time you go to the shop?

That. That frame of mind. Unreasonable suggestions should be met with a firm rebuttal. Channel your inner mum and say no, firmly, clearly and brooking no 'awwwwww, but.....'

"I am an adult
I don't wish to get my haircut for another month at least
Please respect my decision"

Do not enter into any further discussion keep repeating
"I feel disrespected when you refuse to accept my decision "
And if she can't accept that then ask her to leave.

My autism has a bearing on my reaction. I'll either give in or it'll start a row. I'm supposed to do what she tells me, apparently. Family still expect me to look how I'm "supposed to look".

Ignoring and slightly irrelevant one word answers lead to a blazing row, unfortunately. I once ignored a series of texts about what my DD has for breakfast, she didn't stop and ended up ringing me non stop until I had to say something, which then caused a row.

How are you supposed to look?

It takes at least 2 people for a blazing row to happen. If you don't engage a row can't happen.

Is your aunt staying with you when she visits? If she regularly tries to bully or control you then this isn't a good arrangement.

Your autism may make it harder to know how to react in certain situations but you can practice and learn an appropriate response to an expected situation. Repeat the lines "No thank you. I'm happy with how my hair is at the moment and I'm not getting it cut".

If I don't engage she won't leave me alone until I do.

She doesn't stay, she comes for a few hours.

It is OK to have a row. The main thing is that you win no matter what. You are being bullied by them. You have described browbeating and tantrums. Do not ever give in again. Have a row if you have to. Eventually they will learn that the old tactics don't work. They will bitch and moan behind your back about you. They will also leave you alone because "You know what Philomena is like". This is a good result.

Battle through the storm to get to the safe harbour.

If I said that, that would start a row.

Also, if I wanted to go to a hairdresser's (I don't), we can easily afford it now, for the first time since I left home.

What happens if you say directly "I won't be having my hair cut - I'm an adult, it's my hair, let's talk about something else"?

Just have the row then! Seriously, it’s very out of order to try to force a haircut on an adult. (In most cases, it’s also out of order with a lot of children too).

If you just say “Aunt, I don’t want a haircut. Please stop asking.” what do you worry will happen?

You are allowed to have a row OP, the ore you stick up for yourself the less you will get bullied. Show your DS you dont have to do what others tell you.

She can't force you to have your hair cut, if you agree then that's down to you,no good blaming your aunt.

'I don't want my hair cut thank you' is fine to say.

You seem to be blaming your reaction on your autism. I suspect you are mistaken. I have read many a thread by a woman being bullied by family members that describes behaviours and reactions like yours.

You have a bully in your life who pushes you until you snap.

"I'm growing it" & repeat

if I wanted to go to a hairdresser's (I don't), we can easily afford it now, for the first time since I left home.

Does she know that? Does she think you can’t afford it and she’s helping you?

Be direct, and tell her.

If your aunt were a boyfriend I'd be telling you to call the police about her harrassment and a solicitor about some kind of non-molestation order. The non stop calls and visits are totally unacceptable. Criminally so.

The haircut is not the issue. If she has previously relentlessly harassed you about your DDs breakfast, then she clearly feels entitled to bully you about anything and everything. What a horrible person. Who else in your family thinks her behaviour is acceptable?