Mental load guide for men

[OngiKoik]

Hi, I was wondering do any of you know any good article-guide-book for men about mental load at home? I'm trying to find something that helps him to really understand what the mental load is and to get sort of lightbulb moment.

And to be more precise, I'm looking for something from men to men or something neutral. All the articles I found were more like from women to women or so and I do not think giving him those articles are a good idea, because it would sound to him like "women nagging" or so.

Do you mean articles on parenting or home life in general

I sent mine a link to you only has to ask cartoon and I resend it to him every so often. It’s seems to have done the trick

@purpleberry11 I guess both? We are struggling at the moment with him not being very communicative regarding "tasks assigned to him", resulting in me always asking about the tasks and reminding him and him saying how he forgets, and him generally not noticing things that needs to be done around the house. We do not have children yet and I tried to explain to him how life will be 100 times more complicated when we have children and this is why I need him to step up more. He struggles to understand my point.

The cartoon is pretty good.

I guess podcasts would be good too, he prefers listening stuff instead of reading.

We do not have children yet and I tried to explain to him how life will be 100 times more complicated when we have children and this is why I need him to step up more. He struggles to understand my point.

Life will be 100 times harder for you because he will keep being lazy and you will keep treating him like he doesn’t understand, whereas he does but just can’t be asked.

Don’t have a child with a child.

Yeah because god forbid he actually listen to/read something written by a woman about women.

Do NOT procreate with an adult who doesn't behave like one voluntarily, the way a fucking adult should. Unless you accept he is basically a glorified sperm donor who will make your life miserable. This type of person does not change, instead, they find people who enable them.

Sounds familiar about tasks. My dh takes a zillion years to do anything around the house. Okay fair enough he works hard. But it took him like 6 months to replace a few lightbulbs in our kitchen (we were down to our last few and it was very dark when he finally changed them). I couldn’t change them as pregnant and don’t want to be climbing on chairs, balancing and trying to change them. He finally did change them though!!

Of course he understands what you're saying OP. He just doesn't care. I would love a cleaner, cook, PA, date, lover. He's hit the jackpot. Why on earth would he want to change?

And when you have children, he'll let you get on with that too. He'll take up cycling so he doesn't have to spend time with you either. He'll come home to a clean home, food in the oven, children bathed and in bed. With all that free time and everything taken care off, he'll probably take a lover. You'll be too knackered and resentful to want sex with him and well, why not? He deserves it.

I don't have a link but there was an amazing comic about it once that was really sad but true. I immediately sent it to my bf just to ensure he never behaved like that

This might have been it www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I love this cartoon (seriously, if he can't understand pictures...) but agree with PP that heaven forbid that he read something about women by women. Why can't he just listen to you?

There's another article about how men who do the dishes have more sex (I'm paraphrasing and just the idea of incentivising is outrageous) : www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3595744/Real-men-wash-dishes.html

My favourite was a listicle entitled 5 reasons men should do housework:

1. You fucking live here.
2. You fucking live here.
3. You fucking live here.
4. You fucking live here.
5. You fucking live here.

If he's not that enlightened though, here's an article by a MAN : arizonasports.com/story/223155/5-reasons-you-should-be-helping-your-wife-clean-house/

You'd assume he'd manage to do his own research, if he was motivated.

From a man to other men.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

If he's not helping then he's not going to read anything about helping.

Best way is to stop doing things, let it get disgusting, let him go hungry, let his clothes go unwashed, let the fridge be empty. Then decide on jobs and how to split them.

One thing that worked for us is dividing responsibility by rooms rather than tasks.
So DH has living room and our bedroom. I have kitchen, kids rooms and bathroom.
If you have responsibility for a room then you need to notice when things need doing, organise yourself and clean it.
It seems much more effective to give someone a defined responsibility rather than asking them to take more notice of things in general.
We also group related task together so DH does shopping, meal planning and cooking as they depend on each other.

You can also get housework checklists and apps.
It might be worth sitting down with something like that- deciding what tasks you consider important and dividing them up.

What 1234 said.

The thing about going on strike or leaving things disgusting is that a) it still doesn't work b) you're punishing yourself, he still won't care. What a way to live.

See when you all met these hopeless men, were they emaciated from lack of food, walking round in filthy crumpled clothing and living an a house carpeted in crud?

I ask because I don't think that kind of man would get a date, far less find a life partner. Yet somehow they have, which suggests they know fine well how to run a home, feed themselves and manage laundry. They just don't have to any more because you do it for them.

Get him to do his own fucking research

You are taking responsibility again for educating him about how to be a decent human being

You are his partner, not his mother

The only "wisdom" I would be imparting to him is shape up or get the fuck out

Most people would say the same as you until they find themselves divorced and alone, you have no idea how you’d feel until you’ve been in that position.

Oh, you'd be amazed at how many women take up with menchildren living at home with 'Mum' doing everything and then blame his mum for his not behaving like an adult.

Or the guy lives in a total shit tip on takeaways and ready meals but these women tell themselves he'll change for them, grow up, try to train him like a puppy, give him articles from other men to read and then are shocked when he continues to be the same lazy dirty bastard he's always been.

You're bending over backwards to find the one magic thing that'll 'help' him understand. Stop. He already does understand, or if he doesn't it's because he doesn't want to (presumably he's a grown man, presumably he can hold down a job, presumably he is not living in a bunker somewhere he can't Google 'daily housework tasks' or 'how often to clean a fridge' or whatever).

You think you're trying to help him understand, but the way you set it out here it sounds more like you're trying to gently coax him into giving a fuck, and you're onto a loser there. Maybe try the 'She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink' link someone gave earlier but don't expect a sudden lightbulb moment.

It's always amazing, too, that none of these menchildren behave the same way at work, of course not, because they'd be sacked. So why do you put up with it? 'But I love him/he works hard/no one's perfect/it's all perfect except for . . . ' Love is respect. If you don't love adn respect yourself first, no one else truly will, either.

He understands, he doesn't care. He likes the way things are now.

Thanks for the links and ideas and thoughts.