Mental load guide for men

[OngiKoik]

Hi, I was wondering do any of you know any good article-guide-book for men about mental load at home? I'm trying to find something that helps him to really understand what the mental load is and to get sort of lightbulb moment.

It's not about a man "helping" it's about being an equal partner.

A man only "helps" because he sees it as outside his area of responsibility, he sees it as your job always, 'I'll give her a hand with this' He doesn't accept he is responsible for that job 100% at 50% of the time. You need to change his mindset to 'I have a 50% stake in this and 50% responsibility to do it properly'

What they all said.

Does he hold down a job? Travel to work on his own? Use the internet ? If yes, then he can learn to do all these tasks.

He is telling you what he’s like - a selfish entitled man who doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

Please listen and have a very hard think about your future. If he loved you, he wouldn’t treat you like this.

Yeah don't have children with this man. Really don't. Because once you are picking up after kids and wiping arses you will start to actually hate him.

'Yeah don't have children with this man.'

But they always do. Then wind up on the Relationship board about how 'DP' does nothing with the family. But go on to have a second child with him, because it's easier than ditching him. He does the cycling thing or 'works away'/works hard.

It's depressing AF.

I know

More from a female perspective, but: The gender wars of household chores: a feminist comic

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

So DH has living room and our bedroom. I have kitchen, kids rooms and bathroom

Why have you got all the hardest, dirtiest rooms?

Yeah, that division of rooms seems heavily weighted....

I thought your OP said "mental load", cleaning rooms isn't mental load.

I doubt he'll listen. OP. It just gets worse with kids. I sent DH a couple of these once his response was to ask why I was trying to stress him out when he was already so busy at work. It didn't become obvious just has little DH did till I was pregnant with our third, and overwhelmed. You need to be very clear on what you need from him and if he won't step up walk away.

So DH has living room and our bedroom. I have kitchen, kids rooms and bathroom
Why have you got all the hardest, dirtiest rooms?

The Living Room is usually fairly bad with kids toys, cups and paperwork by the end of the day. Also it gets done every day whereas I only do the kids rooms and bathroom once a week.

So it works out that we each do a downstairs room everyday. Then once a week I do the upstairs rooms (except our bedroom) So I am doing more cleaning.
But DH does all the shopping, meal planning and cooking
I do laundry and paying bills
DH looks after the houseplants

Its probably not exactly equal but its the arrangement we've reached and we both know what's expected.
We don't have any arguments about mental load and "noticing things" that need doing. We both know what bits fall to us.

I do laundry and paying bills DH looks after the houseplants

Um... sorry? How many houseplants do you have??? Unless you have a fucking forest of the things, this is absolutely ridiculous!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

This is probably not as neutral as you’re hoping for, but it’s the first one that sprung to mind, I think it illustrates mental load pretty well.

Good luck getting him to read it - does he WANT to understand mental load?

Well, it seems reasonably well-balanced to me:
she does laundry / he does all the cooking, meal-planning, shopping
She does bills (if you mostly have direct debits and stuff set up) then it's probably not much more work than remembering the house-plants.

If you do n’t have children how much work is there ?

Far better to get into good habits before children than to try to reset things after.

He's not going to change
It isn't that he doesn't understand, it's that he likes being lazy.

Put him in charge of buying food and cooking it each night and weekend and washing up afterwards.
He can hardly forget to do that.

I'd find it rather worrying tho, OP, that you think he won't listen to women generally or you, and anything needs to come from a man. That doesn't really say much for him as a man living with a woman.

Yes, but the OP doesn't want to 'nag'. Men don't 'nag' you see. The OP doesn't see the red flags.

Love the "you fucking live here" listicle. I'd send him that and the links on this thread and tell him he's on his last chance.

If he slips back I would be out the door without a backwards glance.

You are so lucky to have this chance to address this pre children. Stay firm!

Before you have children it's just "noticing" what housework needs doing and "remembering" to renew insurance etc.

Once you have kids it's all that plus you being responsible for remembering and organising all child appointments, presents and thank you cards, birthday parties, school trips/£1 for Children in Need/arranging someone to collect after lego club, the whole Christmas shebang, every holiday and weekend away, making sure the kids have clothes that fit and are weather appropriate and getting rid of everything that's grown out of, noticing when their nails and hair needs cutting, getting their feet measured. Plus all the invites and presents and cards and thank yous for his family too...

And then he won't notice any of that stuff either but of course is happy to help you out if you tell him exactly what to do and remind him at the right time (but don't nag, ok?).

This is also good below, it is written by a woman but isn't men bashing so might also help. Good luck.

www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/