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Original poster

Something my mum told me has angered me, I know I'm being irrational but it's wound me up

30 replies

saltire · 20/08/2007 11:02

A couple of weeks I was talking to my mum, and she told me wasn't going to go the funeral of her neighbour as it was at a crematorium, and she didn't like crematoriums. (He has been her negihbour for 35 years)For the same reaosn she refused to go to my aunt or uncles cremations or that of my cousin, who was her godaughter

She then went on to say that my granny (her mum) had been cremated, which I knew, because that was what my granny had wanted. She said that if it had been up to her she would have been buried, and that my grandad had wanted cremated and his ashes scattered where my granny's were. My mum had Grandad buried though, "because I don't like crematoriums". I had often thought it odd that Grandad was buried on his own, and had wondered why he wasn't cremated, but assumed he had wanted that.
Then, she said that my dad had wanted cramated as well, and a memorial added to the plot where his mum and dad are buried. The plot had room for one more coffin, but room on the headstone for more names.
Again mum had made the decision to have him buried. I admit I like the fact that there is a headstone I can visit and leave flowers (no one else in my family goes, not even my mum)

The reason I'm so worked up about this is that she ignored the wishes of two people, who admittedly were dead, so couldn't argue, but I'm wondering what she would do regarding my wishes if something happened to me, Dh and the Dses.
It's been really playing on my mind recently, and I get a bit annoyed when I think about it - irrational I know

OP posts:

nailpolish · 20/08/2007 11:05

oh saltire
you should talk to someone else in your family abuot this, tell them your wishes and let them know that your mum would object to it
do you have a will? i dont know if it can make a difference but you could put it in the will

Baffy · 20/08/2007 11:08

what an awful situation

I think perhaps a will is the best thing if you are worried that she (or anyone else) may not respect your wishes.

The aftermath of a death is such and awful and stressful time - a will which clearly states your wishes is the best way to go.

sandyballs · 20/08/2007 11:08

Not irrational at all. I can't believe she's ignored their wishes .

harleyd · 20/08/2007 11:11

its not irrational at all. i feel very strongly about doing things the way people want. you should tell several people in your family what you would want to happen so theres no way anybody can do it differently

evenhope · 20/08/2007 11:13

Perhaps I'm missing the point here but these people are dead and don't know what has happened to their remains. Does it matter?

(My dad and grandparents were cremated and they have headstones in a special area of the cemetery BTW)

I've had a similar discussion with my family but from the opposite viewpoint. I can't bear the idea of being cremated (again you're dead.. ) but none of my lot like attending burials so it's likely if I went first they would arrange a cremation..

Funerals are for the benefit of the living though...

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 11:14

This is the first time it's ever come up in conversation. My dad died when I was 16 and I never had much input into his funeral, I just assumed that he got buried becasue thats what he wanted. Same with Grandad, although I did often think it odd that he was buried on his own.

OP posts:

harleyd · 20/08/2007 11:15

it bloody matters! if anybody dares bury me instead of cremating me i swear i will come back to haunt them!

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 11:28

It matters ot me. I have myself, DH and the Dses on the donor register, what if my mum and MIL get together and decide, "oh well saltire and her DH are adults so we will donate their organs but no the DSes".
Or what if we decide we want cremated, so DH's mum gets him cremated, but my mum gets me buried?
It wouldn't be what I wanted to happen

OP posts:

Baffy · 20/08/2007 11:37

It matters to me too!

You're not being irrational at all.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 11:40

Put it in your will.

It matters immensely, even, because what you want done with your body after your demise is the last choice you'll ever make, and it should be respected, as all reasonable last requests.

I would see a solicitor and have it put in your will, your H's will, and ask the solicitor what will happen in the even of all your deaths - you should be able to decide for your minor children, not her.

donnie · 20/08/2007 11:45

agree - it matters a great deal and I have to say I feel your mother has acted incredibly selfishly. I would incorporate these instructions into a will. Sounds like it is high time she got over her dislike of crematoria - nobody actively looks forward to funerals but we go to them out of respect.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 11:52

Another reason why I think the organ donation system should be overhauled.

Family should never be allowed to go against the instructions an adult made whilst of sound mind and body regarding what is done with his/her own body at death.

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 11:58

I trust her with the organ donation with regards to me (not entirely sure about MIL and DH's wishes though), as my dad had a kidney transplant so she knows its important to me, I just think that if it was a situation which involved all of us, then she would say no for the DSes organs.
Although, its an odd situation, if something happened to me, DH and the DSes at the same time, who would make the decision? My mum, MIl, PIL?

I am going to have a chat with my brother the next time I see him, and my cousin Karen, who will definately respect our wishes and make sure every one else does as well

OP posts:

Baffy · 20/08/2007 12:00

Surely the only way to be certain is to have a Will??

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 12:03

By having the will, and telling my brother, I'm covered - what if the will isn't read out until after I've been buried/cremated? I have heard of it happen

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 12:06

Speak to a solicitor and advise him/her of the situation, salty. There must be something that can be done.

I would not leave it to trusting other family members, because if she's willing to go against the will of her own father and husband out of pure immature selfishness, there's no doubt she'd do the same to you and your children were she next of kin.

Baffy · 20/08/2007 12:06

Not sure...

How about giving copies of the will to trusted family members?

Or having the will somewhere safe and secure but telling trusted family members where it is... as long as they're aware that it exists surely then there is (hopefully) no chance of it being ignored or found too late...

whiskeyandbeer · 20/08/2007 12:37

completely unreasonable of your mum. can't actually believe she'd be so selfish to do that.
the simple answer is if you are making a will put in a provision that your will shall only be executed if you have been laid to rest in the manner you wished where feasible. if not everything to the local animal shelter.

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 12:51

I think you are totally justified in thinking your mother's been thoughtless. It is possible also that she's committed some kind of crime in that she may have gone against even verbal agreements with people. I'm not a solicitor though but I used to be a legal secretary and deal with Wills all day. They all stipulated details about methods of burial and sometimes went into great detail about the ceremony.

The Will is a legal bound document. Also, make sure you have an executor named, who will make sure things are carried out according to plan.

As for your mother, I sense that she may have a nasty streak of controlling behaviour, that's driving her negative decisions about her loved ones after their death.

NineUnlikelyTales · 20/08/2007 13:02

It sounds like your mum might be one of those people who is frightened of cremation. It is surprisingly common. I can see why you are so upset about her going against the last wishes of family members, but it isn't likely she had her own father and husband buried rather than cremated on a whim. She probably couldn't bear the idea of them being cremated and she was dealing with their deaths at the time. And as someone said, funerals etc are for the living, not for the dead.

Your own wishes are a separate matter and you must make provision to ensure that they would be carried out in the event of your death.

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 13:11

I do think that there are legal issues about going against what is written in someone's Will.

If funerals are for the living, going against your loved one's funeral wishes is showing the living that you really have very little respect for the departed!

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 13:15

AFAIK there was no will in my dad or Grandads case - it was a verbal thing they had talked about. My dad was very ill when I was a child, and the possibilty of him dying was something very real on several occasions. So they had spoken about it a length. With regards to my Grandad, she knew he wanted cremated, as apparently he had told her several times. My grannys ashes were scattered at a place nearby that was special to her and grandad, and thats hwat he wanted.
I just feel very angry that she went against his wishes, and don't want her going against mine!

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 20/08/2007 13:18

Does anyone have the answer to this issue about verbal agreements? I know in Scottish law verbal agreements are more binding.

Original poster

saltire · 20/08/2007 13:20

I'd also like to know who is classed as next of kin if both parents and the children die. For example, would my mum take responsibilty for my funeral, MIL for DH's and who would for the DSes?

Or would one person take responsibilty for them all

OP posts:

aloha · 20/08/2007 13:20

Unless you dh dies at exactly the same time as you, this isn't going to arise.

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