Do you and your partner have ‘serious conversations’?

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By which I probably mean personal conversations where you share thoughts and feelings, dreams for the future, worries and concerns etc. Possibly about your relationship, but equally about other issues in your life?

I’m asking because I’ve just returned from a week away with DP (of 5 years) and am left feeling that once again, there is something missing from our relationship because this seems to be something he doesn’t feel the need for. Otherwise we have a great time together, I have no doubts re his commitment etc. We’re both mid 50s so it’s not as if there is a time pressure re settling down and having kids etc.

I just feel the lack of ‘depth’ sometimes. By comparison, my former husband was too far the other way and would happily spend hours overthinking everything. This was nice in the early days, but it became a problem as our relationship went downhill.

So I guess I’m somewhere in the middle of the spectrum re my need for this, but it is becoming an issue. To me, these conversations, that you couldn’t have with anyone else, build closeness and intimacy. My DP is very caring, very tactile and loves time spent just being together, but his conversations focus more on looking back on past events that we’ve enjoyed, and being in the here and now. There have been occasions where I have talked to him about things that bother me, and I feel he really struggles to fully engage. He also seems to find this level of interaction extremely draining - a bit like I might feel after a good cry!

Is it me? He is an intelligent bloke and can converse very happily on other serious topics - current affairs etc- but it’s the more personal stuff between us that is the issue.

We do have deep and meaningfuls but I think they just develop from normal conversations. So I'll say, for example, I wish we had a bigger garden and that'll develop into how we can pay the mortgage of quicker and get decent savings to upsize, when we plan on having another DC and how we'd make space for them in the current set up etc.

Does he just switch off when you start thinking out loud? Has he ever discussed the future or is he more of a do-er than a thinker?

We do. DH and I been together 10 years, married for 3. Two kids 3 and 6. We jokingly call them "meetings" and usually have them once or twice a month on a Friday where we'll sit down after the kids have gone to bed and purposefully not put the tv on. Start chatting about our week etc then go on from there maybe asking "is anything on your mind?" Or sometimes we even have a list of things we need to discuss! Sounds bonkers written down but it does work esp in the madness of full time jobs, running a house and two young kids.

We've been in situations before when we haven't talked properly for weeks and things just seem all out of alignment and we have misunderstandings and resentment so it's easier this way if not a bit anal

@GiveHerHellFromUs - yes, he’s definitely more of a doer. I fact I think he sometimes panics if I start on something serious as he think he needs to come up with a solution. I’ve explained that this isn’t the case, I just need him to listen sometimes. Even then, I almost feel like he’s listening whilst wondering about how quickly he can change the subject!

@Drogonssmile - I know what you mean about the out of alignment. We don’t live together (no issues, it works for us at the moment) so I sometimes feel that things I may have wanted to share with him, I just don’t Goethe’s in the end which seems a shame.

Two way conversations??? Nope. Dh just doesn't get it. He's practical reality all the way. Lol.

We've compromised with me occasionally talking about feelings and dreams and he 'mmmmms' along. I've had to 'train' him that when I want to purge stresses or worries I don't want practical logical solutions unless I ask for them. I want 'God that's awful' or 'I totally get why you're pissed off'.

He's a doer, rather than an emotional talker. If I'm upset, he'll go to the shop for snacks. Etc. I process verbally, but I understand that's not him. He processes by skipping past the talking and goes straight to action.

Deep and meaningful for me is waffle and meaningless for him. But he loves me enough to pretend to be interested now and again. And I love him enough to pretend he's not pretending. Lol

Simple answer is no. I talk at him about how I'm feeling and he changes the subject or doesn't respond. I then get annoyed as it is all so pointless. Yet when he is on his quest of "communication is key" he ambushes me and I can't remember what I want to say and so nothing ever gets resolved it just gets forgotten

I would love to communicate how @Drogonssmile does, sounds ideal!

If this element is bothering you, I doubt it will get better. From my experience it is a case of accepting he won't change and become a deep and meaningful talker any time soon. Otherwise though he sounds like a nice enough guy (well to me anyway!).

Oh God, it sounds like I’m not alone! I was expecting to hear about all those men out there who are in touch with their emotional side. I’ve always valued the actions over words approach, having seen the other side when I was married, however I just sometimes enjoy the closeness that a deeper conversation can create.

Been there more than once, OP (here's where I put in my habitual plug for reading Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages).

The Gottman Institute talks about "love maps", where you talk enough to build up a picture of what makes the other person tick and what shapes them. Comes in very handy when the relationship comes under pressure because you have a better chance of knowing why they're acting or feeling the way they are.

Sort of but the timing is key with mine. He is emotionally illiterate but would like to get a better handle on things. He comes from a family of such repressed emotion, I wonder of their bumholes sealed over with the effort.
He actually needs an issue mapped out for him but down the years he has learned but some habits cant be changed. His dad is terminally ill but the whole situation is being dealt with in an almost paranoid state of; say nothing. Or at least the very minimum. No one ask how the other is doing....I want to fucking scream but that's their dynamic. Not mine but I find it almost distressing to watch him walk round with all that inside and not able to put it down without fear of something awful happening. Breaks my heart but I camt leap on him or he retreats further.

No but neither of us are particularly keen on deep and meaningful conversations or at least I don't think we have ever had one.

@nearlynermal, I’ve thought about the Love Languages in relation to this. My two joint preferences are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I suspect my DPs are physical touch, and possibly Acts of Service too. Hmm!

We have conversation. This can vary widely in topic. I look forward to them, but I don't go in for the after work chat about the day unless it's meaningful to how one of us is doing. I.e. if it was a fine day that's all I want to know really, I don't want the play by play!

No, my husband has what I call 'shut up tactics'. He might quickly change the subject if he thinks it's going to get a bit heavy, or if he can't think of anything to say fast enough, then he'll just make noises (the sort of noises some people make when there's an awkward silence) in the hope that I, I don't know, forget? A heavy topic can be anything really where there might be the smallest chance of a disagreement, who we could employ as a childminder, whether or not to make tomorrows dinner in a slow cooker... if the first tactics don't work, then he'll try to end the conversation by giving non committal answers "yeah, maybe" while looking at his phone, or he'll pick something up to read to put a physical barrier between me and him, or he'll just walk out if the room. If I continue to insist that we need to talk about it, he'll give short grumpy answers, if I then disagree with what he says then he rants about "this is why I don't discuss things with you, cos you do whatever you want anyway", to which I reply that we need to come to a conclusion and this is my view. On hearing my opposing view, he then shouts either "this is what's happening and that's that" or "oh do what you want then" and leaves the room. Our marriage only survives on us both mutually ignoring each other.

OP, I think I'm a Quality Time person, mostly in the form of verbal connection. I've had a couple of relationships where no matter what I do the conversation just feels like polite small talk and there's this emotional void that's just not getting filled.

I have bad news for you, OP. I know only one man who is capable of having these sorts of conversations. And it's not my DH. He is crap at them! Hence we are close to splitting up.

Actually I know quite a few emotionally intelligent men but apart from the chap I am thinking of (an acquaintance only, but I've been really impressed by his insight into e.g. what's going on with his teenagers), they are all gay. Sorry to stereotype, but that's my experience.

I don't think most men are socialised to think like this. I don't think it's that they're incapable of doing it.

The Gottman institute got a mention up thread - we are liking their book 8 Dates as a series of ‘proper’ conversations for people who aren’t spontaneously v good at doing that sort of talking

I hadn’t heard of the Gottman Institute but I’ll have a look.

The thing for me is that this issue could be viewed as similar to sex in terms of gluing a relationship together. There are frequent threads on this site about marriages where one partner doesn’t have the same need for sex as the other, and the responses often focus on what this does to intimacy, and how the relationship feels different to just a friendship.

I actually said to my DP that I’d like him to talk to me about stuff that he wouldn’t share with say his mum, or a work colleagues. He actually looked at me, astounded and said he doesn’t discuss anything he does with me with those people! I assume these conversations are confirmed to the weather!!

I like to start by making him laugh. That kind of softens the edges a bit then just take a few steps and see how far u get.
Come at it sideways. A bit like a horse. Sidle up and have a carrot too. Hide the stick, then WHAM...crack him on the arse! LOL

We do have deep conversations but I'm more able to have them, and for longer, than him.

He can have a long detailed conversation about facts, history, and practical possibilities, but if it comes to talking about personal, sad things, or vulnerable love emotions, or worries, fears, etc. He really struggles. He also comes from a horrendously unemotional family where gift giving and guilt tripping are the only forms of affection that are allowed.

When we were first dating and he wasn't in love with me he'd talk about anything and listen to any of my worries, I used to think he was an amazing listener and conversationalist!

Then he started to love me, and almost instantly became totally unable to listen to me talk about anything that he even slightly expected might upset me. Because in his family, love means keeping it light and cordial, including changing the subject to something lighter when someone you love is down. They consider it unkind or self indulgent to "pry" or "upset" a loved one. In practice it means someone can literally die in front of them, and they pretend they are fine with it.

I noticed this, whenever I'd talk about something really hard, he would make an awkward joke, but his whole.demeanour would change to that of a scared little boy. I told him it was horrible and dismissive to do that when someone was sad. He was shocked. We talked about it at length and worked out the family habit that was underlying etc. Took a few hurt feelings and a few returns to the same situation.

That was a good three years ago. He now has worked to the point where he notices he is about to change the subject or make an awkward joke, etc and is able to stop himself. He is working on just being ok with not saying anything, or a stock phrase like, "that sounds hard" or "I'm sorry". Its been a huge slog for him.

I still have to check in and sort of say hey, are you feeling up to a chat about emotions, because if hes tired or feeling down, he won't be able to sustain the conversation. The fact based chats are fine, but feelings, it's just a lot of anxiety and hard work and concentrating for him.

"Deep" conversations are definitely hard work for many folk, and I completely accept that many people just dont want to have them. I need to be with someone who is able to have a significant kind of conversation though, not just about facts or events but also about feelings, so it's about compatibility really.

I don't have these with my DH. He hates anything like that and will really cack-handedly change the subject. Like saying, "Oh! A bird is in the tree over there!" or something totally random.

It's a bit annoying, but it's his only fault. He'd do anything for me, if it involves "doing". The talking I can get from my female friends, and family.

We used to have more in the past, but they were about the big things which we've mostly done all of now... do you want marriage, do you want kids, what about a second one, should we apply for a mortgage. In between, we just shoot the breeze I guess

@Drogonssmile That sounds incredibly evolved and healthy.

Hmm well we have conversations where I talk at DH for hours and he says very little and I say “so say something” and he says “what do you want me to say?”

I think it’s partly because I think about the future a lot more than he does, he’s all about the next 5 days whereas I think ahead (possibly too much).

His family never, ever have emotional or deep conversations either. God forbid anything disturb the peace.

When I rread the thread title I thought you were referring to philosophical debates, e.g."does a tree in woods make a sound if there's nobody to hear it"
(Well obviously not so bloody stupid as that, but you get the gist)
The only partner Ive ever had conversations with about relationships etc was my late husband.

We have talks quite frequently. I was not used to it at all and I found it a bit strange at first but now I am happy to discuss things. I now think it is a wise thing to do so that we each know the other's expectation and hopes.

Thanks for the positive comments . Sorry OP for the slight derailment! It's taken a lot of work and tears to get where we are with our "meetings". Both of us suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm awaiting assessment for autism. We've both had a fair amount of therapy as well so we've learnt separately how important it is to talk to each other or the relationship simply wouldn't survive.
Hopefully we are on the right track and we try and teach the kids to talk about their feelings too, particularly being boys and worried that they'll have their own MH issues stemming from ours. It's by no means perfect and we don't always get it right though. Bloody hard work sometimes!!