Do you and your partner have ‘serious conversations’?

[Fentyplenty]

By which I probably mean personal conversations where you share thoughts and feelings, dreams for the future, worries and concerns etc. Possibly about your relationship, but equally about other issues in your life?

I’m asking because I’ve just returned from a week away with DP (of 5 years) and am left feeling that once again, there is something missing from our relationship because this seems to be something he doesn’t feel the need for. Otherwise we have a great time together, I have no doubts re his commitment etc. We’re both mid 50s so it’s not as if there is a time pressure re settling down and having kids etc.

I just feel the lack of ‘depth’ sometimes. By comparison, my former husband was too far the other way and would happily spend hours overthinking everything. This was nice in the early days, but it became a problem as our relationship went downhill.

So I guess I’m somewhere in the middle of the spectrum re my need for this, but it is becoming an issue. To me, these conversations, that you couldn’t have with anyone else, build closeness and intimacy. My DP is very caring, very tactile and loves time spent just being together, but his conversations focus more on looking back on past events that we’ve enjoyed, and being in the here and now. There have been occasions where I have talked to him about things that bother me, and I feel he really struggles to fully engage. He also seems to find this level of interaction extremely draining - a bit like I might feel after a good cry!

Is it me? He is an intelligent bloke and can converse very happily on other serious topics - current affairs etc- but it’s the more personal stuff between us that is the issue.

Look up Daily Temperature Reading op. It’s a communication tool that is really useful in any sort of relationship.

I’ve just made it back to this thread and wanted to say thank you all for your comments, it’s really helped me understand that I’m not the only one with this issue.

@rvby - what you say about a difference in the early days sounds unbelievably like my experience. We’ve both had difficult experiences in relationships in the past and early spent a fair bit of time talking this through. I thought this was a really good sign, but it was almost as if once that was out in the open and ‘settled’, then he moved into the space of not wanting to talk about serious things in case it is upsetting.

I don't have these with my DH. He hates anything like that and will really cack-handedly change the subject. Like saying, "Oh! A bird is in the tree over there!" or something totally random. - yes, I get that too!

You are not alone. I don't think that this sort of ability to talk about deep meaning of life stuff is fundamental to marriage if you both arent into it.

If one of you is, and the other isn't, that is where problems arise IME. I have been in relationships with deep n meaningful men, but my longest was with someone who had no interest in this sort of thing. In the end it was one of the things that did for us. I felt like he didn't have any deep feelings about anything, or curiosity about the world and his place in it. I didn't like that at all. I found it intellectually boring and emotionally ... hollow, I suppose.

Yes. We have check ins and call them our adulting meetings!

Another vote for Gottman and Chapman here.