is it ok

[taliyah]

For a man to tell you they want you to look sexy and buy sexy lingerie and basically be someone you aren't.
I feel like he is pressurising me into this and has been the last year or so. Now ive known this man for nearly 20 years - we aren't in a relationship but always seem to never lose that connection.

he knows my history and knows that I find it very hard to be romantic and show affection etc. yet he is now expecting me to be dressed up when he next sees me. basically saying he is taking me out for my birthday and then hes expecting a thrilling end to the night. Apparently me dressing sexy would make his "dreams come true". When In fact the whole time he was saying this I just felt so vulnerable.

Thoughts ?

Where do I start ?
Sounds like a creep and no respect for boundaries.
Have alternative birthday plans and seriously distance yourself.

It sounds very creepy and disturbing. Like he's dressing you up as a doll to fulfil a fantasy. Lots of men get lost in porn and don't realise that real life isn't like that and women aren't there to dress up and please them.

He's making you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and that's enough. Tell him a firm 'No!' and keep your distance.

It is ok for a sexual partner to say what turns them on. In fact it is what makes a good sexual relationship. If the thought isn’t reciprocated then it’s up to you to refuse the date and the offer of sex. To explain why it is not a turn on.

Of course, if there is more to the story the answer may be different. In which case just explain the context.

No it’s not okay. Do you want to go out with him for your birthday? You don’t have to. He sounds creepy and domineering and unpleasant.

Cancel the date, he has made demands that he knows make you feel uncomfortable. He feels this is his reward for a year of hard work putting you under pressure, and if it starts off this badly it isn't going to end well.

So he's taking you out for your birthday but expects payment at the end in the form of you dolling up like a pornstar.

Nice.

This sort of pressurising shit gets tedious really quickly. I'd bail.

You’re not in a relationship? Why does he think this is ok?

Thanks all it just upsets me tbh

Then don't do it! Why do something that upsets you? Have confidence in your own feelings and self worth and tell him to fuck off, or at the very least no to his demeaning "requests".

You aren't in a relationship with him so he has absolutely no business commenting about your underwear let alone making you feel pressured.

You need to assert some boundaries here and make sure you are clear with him about your relationship.

I need to be able to say no and yes be assertive. How dare he want me to wear underwear that I know I won't feel confident in. This is controlling behaviour. The other thing he said is why don't I go to the docs so that I can sort out getting my periods to stop. Basically I ain't with noone so why should I do this. He said so he can "feel" me I mean gosh why can't we just go for a nice meal and drinks and just chill

Ooohhhh.... ICK!!!
WTF does he want you to mess with your body and stop your periods.
He sounds disturbed.
I'm getting a big fat porn addict vibe here.
He's a mysoginist and you should run a mile!!
FAST - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
See your friends on your birthday and tell him to fuck off.
Just yeuk!

Do yourself a service and tell him to fuck off. Then block him.

He sounds revolting! Just NO.

It's all about his and his 'needs' - what about you and your desires and feelings?

How dare he suggest you get your periods to stop!

Sounds like a right tosser. Tell him to fuck right off.

Yuk!!!

What is your relationship with this man ?
Are you FWB ?
Are you/ does he see other people ??
Does sound like he's been watching or at least looking at sexy sites and getting a few ideas on what he likes ... but if you're not comfortable then laugh it off and call him a perv !! If he doesn't want you for how you are then tell him to FO ;-)

Known him about 20 years now. We have history. Only reconnected in the last year but now I'm understanding why he was never a partner or boyfriend

Stop seeing him/speaking to him. He makes you uncomfortable so that's the end of it. Turn down his invitation and say goodbye.

Buy a pair of ' sexy ' pants, perhaps very lacy thongs or some other uncomfortable thing . Tell him you have ( maybe send a photo of them to him ) When you meet up give them to him and tell him you hope he feels sexy in them.

Why can’t you tell him you don’t want to see him and have no intention of dressing up?

You’re not in a relationship and you don’t owe him anything.

Horrid

Cut to the chase here; if you don't want a sexual relationship just tell him out straight, that's not the route you want to go. But if you think might want that then dressing to float his boat is no big deal.

Your decision at the end of the day but it sounds like the 'type of relationship' you've had with him is over the last 20 years is now over, so its either cock or walk it; sorry I was brought up on a farm we don't beat about the bush like townies.

What a nasty little shit. Tell him to go the docs and get his porn addiction fixed.

we aren't in a relationship

Stop shagging him then. It’s really not that hard.