Verbal abuse and (my) affair

[Iaminsuchamess]

I am going to get horrendously judged for this but desperately need some advice.

I have been married for 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids (DS 4 and DD 2). I have only really realised in the last few months that my husband is verbally abusive to me and has been for years. I guess I have been minimising this behaviour for years. He calls me disgusting things when we argue, whore, cunt, bitch, swears at me, you fucking bitch etc. A few weeks ago he called me a selfish fucking bitch and threw something at my face which hit me. First time he has ever threw something. Calls me a bad mother despite the fact that I do pretty much all the childcare. He has changed DD nappy maybe 5 times since she was born. Won't get up during the night to see to them despite if I'm sick tired etc. Despite this he can be a good father, but things haven't been well for a while. We haven't had sex in about 6 months and I have completely emotionally disconnected a long time before that from him, about a year. I am so unhappy and miserable, always walking on eggshells.

Now for other bit, which I'm not proud of. I recently started working with a man in work and to cut a long story short, we have been having an emotional affair for about 4 months. He is also married with a DS, but is living a separate life from his wife. Separate beds for 2 years, which I do believe. He told his wife as they are on amicable terms, that he had met someone and had feelings for them, which upset her as she said that although she knows he doesn't love her she still loves him and was hoping he would eventually come back to her. However a few weeks ago (after throwing incident) one thing led to another and we got physical. We didn't have full sex but spent the night together. The week before I had told my husband I was leaving (after the throwing incident) and I have now left him. This man has also now moved out of the house he was sharing with his wife completely. He says he loves me but feels like I was only using him to get out of my marriage as an emotional crutch or to get the strength to leave my husband. I am so confused right now. I also have 2 beautiful kids to protect in all this.

My husband is begging me to come back to him saying he will change and this other man is saying that he loves me and will wait for me. I love this other man, as I said my marriage has been dead for me for a long time and I have only been hanging in in the hope that my husband will change but then he shouts/swears etc at me again, in front of our kids.

The throwing incident was a line crossed for me and to be honest it was after that the emotional affair became physical. I don't know what to do, maybe he is right and I don't love this guy and was just using him for emotional support?

Leave your abusive husband. Get help, eg Freedom Programme. Set aside what happened with the other man, wasn’t ideal to have an emotional then physical affair but that’s done, don’t beat yourself up, and stop contact with him - he’s not single and any relationship with him is unlikely to be a good thing.

I think you need to end it with both men, live independently for a while, decide what sort of future you want and your DC deserve. Take several months at least about that.

And only then decide what sort of person shares it.

Your H won’t change.

OM is unfair to put pressure on you. Best have a full break from him.

Your priorities now should be the DC and sorting housing, finance, work etc.

And recovering from your abusive marriage.

Where are the children?

I have already left my husband, the thing that really woke me up was the throwing incident. Before I had excused all, told myself he was stressed tired etc. It's only reading other threads here that I realised what was going on and what he was doing. He always calls me crazy and too sensitive when I tell him not to swear at me and DCs.

This OM is separated, now completely, from his wife. I don't know what to do, I feel like I do love this man and he says he loves me and wants to give me space to 'sort my head'. He says he will wait however long it takes and if I don't want him after that "he will survive". He says that he has never felt like this about someone before, and that it actually scares him. I also appreciate that my head is probably not in a good place.

My kids are with me timetobegood and I will not be leaving them unsupervised with my husband

Take time for yourself. You have far more to process than just your marriage and far more than you probably realise as well.

You need to be alone to do that. Properly not just physically.

Focus on how you want to be now and building that not building a new relationship.

It'll hurt but the reality is you've known OM for a very short time.

Well, if he’ll wait he can do that with no contact, you have other stuff to focus on.

You will need legal advice with respect to your H and DC.

The OM has said the right thing. He's identified that your choice of being with him needs to be through genuine love and not as any reaction to the abuse you've been surviving from your husband. And he's offered you space. With no strings. And tried to make sure you don't feel pressurised into choosing him. He's done very well, I think.

Under no circs get back with the husband. You've had a lucky escape. It would only have got worse. His behaviour is a standard pattern. Be so glad you're out. Be polite but firm. Ignore all his begging and bargaining. Give it no oxygen. Yes he's genuine, but he won't change. He can't.

My arc would probably be to live on my own with the kids for now, and see the OM, and see how that goes.

this man and he says he loves me and wants to give me space to 'sort my head'. He says he will wait however long it takes and if I don't want him after that "he will survive".

Sounds perfectly fair and reasonable, and this is what you must do. FOCUS ON YOURSELF not being pulled and pushed on men. Work out who YOU are, and what YOU want, and what YOU will not tolerate. This is a growth opportunity!

As for your H, tell him that the throwing thing crossed a line. He is to go to counselling, address what made him think he could just dump on you and treat you like shit, where his entitlement comes from and he has to commit to change.

Whatever happens will happen, but it will make him a better person anyway and that is what counts. He has to do it for him.

If he is not prepared to put in this work? There is your answer.
Actions always speak louder than words. For both of them and for you.

I think I needed to be told that. I think I am probably quite vulnerable emotionally eight now (not that I think OM is playing on that) I did ask him to go to therapy, he said he would but so far hasn't or even tried to organise anything. Says it all doesn't it. Sorry I have got to the stage of anger now. I now staying at mum and dad's and will be for the foreseeable future until I can organise a house closer to work. I will see OM through work fairly regularly. This morning he texted me and asked would it be ok to meet up for coffee this week at lunch and take things very slowly i.e. essentially go on dates and see how we go from there.

I am tempted to do that and see how it goes, even though you are (nearly) all telling me not to. I have no intention of introducing him to my kids anytime soon, nor he with his son with me. I think now we are testing the waters to see if things can work stage. Don't know if I am wise or not. At the same time, I feel that after all this with H that if things don't work out with OM I am still ok. I can handle "slow" and find out if I am genuinely in love. (I think I might be, which is kinda scary to be honest).

God, don't go to therapy with your DH. He assaulted you (and should have been prosecuted for that). Leave him. Also, dont just hop into bed with the OM - do a bit of reflecting and figure out what it is YOU want. This process takes time, it really does. If the OM is "the one", he wont go far and he'll still be there when you've sorted your head out.

IMO this new man is an 'exit affair' - consciously or not, you have fallen for him to get you away from your abusive husband.

Your husband is not going to change.

This man is not the answer, but it's a good thing that he has, in part, contributed to your decision to move out and away from your abusive husband.

I'd be wary of getting involved with him though - you are in a vulnerable position, he slept with you at an extremely vulnerable point, and he's coming out with the 'my feelings are so strong they scare me' claptrap.

Proceed very cautiously with him, if you must proceed at all.

I know you're right funnylittlefloozie. Should I get on record that he threw something at me? I am speaking to a lawyer this week.

ChristmassFluff maybe I am very naive but what do you mean by "my feeling are so strong they scare me claptrap"? Genuinely asking. Is this a big red flag?

I know I am emotionally vulnerable here and don't want to set myself up for a fall. Big style. Do need to sort my own head.

Leave your husband but I wouldn’t rush into anything with this new bloke. You need some time on your own to adjust to your new life as a single mum and absolutely your children should be put first.

If you get back with your ex then I seriously doubt his behaviour will change, he may not throw stuff at you or be physical but the verbal will definitely continue and you’ll be back to square one wishing you left this time

Be careful. You have been with an abuser and you need to do some work on healing and learning about yourself or you'll end up with another one.

I second what @Loopytiles said.

I think you and OM need to concentrate on getting divorced first.

Sorting out work, finances and living arrangements and working through your own emotions. Maybe some counselling on your own and the Freedom programme.

Only when this is all over can you and OM truly look at how you feel about the other person.

I wouldn’t dismiss the OM as just an exit affair but both of you have to clear things in your lives before you are free to move on.

Therapy as a couple isn’t recommended where there is abuse. The physical violence was a line for you, but there was verbal and emotional abuse which in itself was damaging.

Lundy Bancroft writes about abusive men seeking help - your ex can do that if he so wishes. Most don’t, or don’t change.

Don’t text, meet up with or date OM. Just not sensible. It’s a bad thing that you’ll run across him at work. If he’s that into you and respects HIS ex he’ll wait a good while.

I honestly think that you should report the throwing incident to the police, on the non-emergency line. Why should violent individuals like this keep getting away with it? I work with aggressive, violent men, and i have zero tolerance for such behaviour. They always start small and keep escalating, to see what they can get away with. If you make it clear that they cant get away with any sort of violence, you're sending a very strong message.

he says he loves me and wants to give me space to 'sort my head'. He says he will wait however long it takes and if I don't want him after that "he will survive"

This morning he texted me and asked would it be ok to meet up for coffee this week at lunch and take things very slowly i.e. essentially go on dates and see how we go from there. He's already contradicted himself. He's telling you what you want to hear (I'll wait as long as it takes etc) but at the same time already trying to push those boundaries and get you to meet up with him.

He says that he has never felt like this about someone before, and that it actually scares him 99% of the time that's a red flag. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is be alone, concentrate on getting your new life together with your children and figure out who you are and what you want.

As others have said: saying that the strength of his feelings for you scares him is a red flag. It sounds ‘unrealworld’ and could be a precursor to extreme behaviour, whether it be suggestions that he can’t, after all, live without you and/or that he needs to control who you see/where you go etc to be sure you’re not about to break his heart. You’ve just escaped an abusive relationship (and have no doubt, it was abusive of you and your children) and you have 2 DC. Their and your needs are paramount right now but this man is making it about him. He has also just left a marriage (and his treatment of his wife sounds a bit callous to me). As other posters have said - focus on yourself and massively raising the bar on the treatment you expect in a relationship otherwise you could end up with another abuser. OM has also just left a marriage and shouldn’t be rushing into something else either.

Leave your husband, get back on your feet, then worry about the next relationship.

Your story is still no excuse for an affair and don't worry about lining up the next bed to jump into. What's the rush? Have some you time and work shit out then jump in the first bed that presents if you need to be attached.