Verbal abuse and (my) affair

[Iaminsuchamess]

I am going to get horrendously judged for this but desperately need some advice.

I have been married for 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids (DS 4 and DD 2). I have only really realised in the last few months that my husband is verbally abusive to me and has been for years. I guess I have been minimising this behaviour for years. He calls me disgusting things when we argue, whore, cunt, bitch, swears at me, you fucking bitch etc. A few weeks ago he called me a selfish fucking bitch and threw something at my face which hit me. First time he has ever threw something. Calls me a bad mother despite the fact that I do pretty much all the childcare. He has changed DD nappy maybe 5 times since she was born. Won't get up during the night to see to them despite if I'm sick tired etc. Despite this he can be a good father, but things haven't been well for a while. We haven't had sex in about 6 months and I have completely emotionally disconnected a long time before that from him, about a year. I am so unhappy and miserable, always walking on eggshells.

Now for other bit, which I'm not proud of. I recently started working with a man in work and to cut a long story short, we have been having an emotional affair for about 4 months. He is also married with a DS, but is living a separate life from his wife. Separate beds for 2 years, which I do believe. He told his wife as they are on amicable terms, that he had met someone and had feelings for them, which upset her as she said that although she knows he doesn't love her she still loves him and was hoping he would eventually come back to her. However a few weeks ago (after throwing incident) one thing led to another and we got physical. We didn't have full sex but spent the night together. The week before I had told my husband I was leaving (after the throwing incident) and I have now left him. This man has also now moved out of the house he was sharing with his wife completely. He says he loves me but feels like I was only using him to get out of my marriage as an emotional crutch or to get the strength to leave my husband. I am so confused right now. I also have 2 beautiful kids to protect in all this.

My husband is begging me to come back to him saying he will change and this other man is saying that he loves me and will wait for me. I love this other man, as I said my marriage has been dead for me for a long time and I have only been hanging in in the hope that my husband will change but then he shouts/swears etc at me again, in front of our kids.

The throwing incident was a line crossed for me and to be honest it was after that the emotional affair became physical. I don't know what to do, maybe he is right and I don't love this guy and was just using him for emotional support?

Also, please do pay attention to how this OM treated his ex-wife. To me that's also a bit of a red flag. Based on what you have told us, he withdrew from her emotionally and physically but kept her dangling for 2 years (2 years in separate beds) and only cut the thread when he felt romantic about someone else. That does seem like rather cruel behaviour to me. Now there may be a whole backstory which puts a different complexion on it – he may genuinely have thought the relationship could be saved and was actively working at saving the relationship over those 2 years. Sometimes an emotional affair can be the catalyst for realizing that a relationship is irretrievably over and sometimes the second relationship does mature into something long-term and committed. But coupled with statements like he's never felt like this about anyone before and it scares him, it does make me wonder whether the OM is someone who does romance and drama better than real life and if and when you become someone who is regularly available to him, you may ultimately find yourself in the same position as his ex-wife. I'm not saying that's how it will be but I think it's yet another reason to proceed with caution especially since your priorities right now must be your DC and working on yourself to ensure you don't end up in another abusive relationship.

Be careful with OM, his behaviour towards his wife was awful staying in separate rooms for two years (if thats true of course) when she was hoping they would get back together. Thats cruel, when someone tells you who they are...listen.
Oh and the 'scared of feelings for you' is a trotted out massive red flag. Be on your own with your DC for the near future, concentrate on them, not on some bloke, after all its their lives that have been turned upside down by the breakdown of their parents marriage.
They need all your time and attention now, they must be your priority not your love life.

That's if he was telling the truth. We all know the OM and OWs tend to tell their affair partners what they want to hear at the time. That their other halves are terrible and they're on the brink of leaving them blah blah. All part of the act. Things could be just fine with them and she could be completely blind sided by his affair and didn't see it coming because she thought they were happy. We see it so often on here.

Unless the OP lives with them I don't see how she would know the truth about their sleeping arrangements, or any thing else that goes on under their roof. Only what she's been told, which is unlikely to be the truth.